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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to support DD TTC?

999 replies

checkyourpops · 09/06/2021 21:23

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space Hmm and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and usSad

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/06/2021 21:01

Oh OP,

I am so sorry.
Her determination is clear.
Her single mindedness is very clear.

I would stay the course.
She needs to move out and you will help her with a deposit.

She is not the only one that can be single minded.

I think that if she is pregnant you will have to tell her that you obviously respect her choices and wish her well but that she too will have to respect YOUR choices and that she needs to move out and live independently.

She is attempting to hold you hostage to her choices.

You can't change her choices but you do not have to live by them.

You can be supportive of her living in her own home.

She is going to have some very hard life lessons in the near future despite your best efforts.

Flowers
JewelGarden · 11/06/2021 21:10

'but tried hugging me and saying this baby could be the making of her I said it isn't really that clear a positive so might not stick anyway'

Blimey Confused

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 11/06/2021 21:12

I'm so sorry, OP. Wishing you the best as you try to make sense of things Flowers.

Imo, the best thing you can do for your DD now is make her move out and support her (including financially if necessary) to live independently. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet as an independent adult before the baby comes or you'll end up proxy parenting your grandchild. She'll need help at the start of course but long-term it's better for her that she has to take on her responsibilities because there's no one around to offload them onto and no mum to step in if she doesn't want to do night feeds or get up with the baby.

SofiaMichelle · 11/06/2021 21:21

She started yelling 'Please mum, let us stay!'

Tell her to stop with this bullshit.

I'd be fucking livid if she was mine. Absolutely fucking livid!

Angry
Reearry · 11/06/2021 21:28

I am sorry OP, I know it's not the outcome you were hoping for. The best thing under the circumstances is to set her up in a place of her own and help with the finances initially. It's best she learns to be independent from the get go and you are able to provide and help with other stuff. Don't worry about the grandkid being in a flat...many people ( including myself) were raised in flats and we turned no worse for wear. It's going to be a long road ahead...Hang in there and stay strong

MumInBrussels · 11/06/2021 21:31

Says she is absolutely thrilled, she knows I'm not but tried hugging me and saying this baby could be the making of her hmm I said it isn't really that clear a positive so might not stick anyway

You told your daughter, who recently lost her baby and who is clearly still grieving that loss, that she might lose this baby too? Wow.

moochews · 11/06/2021 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deathbypostitnote · 11/06/2021 21:34

I wouldn't make it about the flat and her not being able to live with you. She needs to live with the person who is parenting the child, since it's planned.

checkyourpops · 11/06/2021 21:36

@deathbypostitnote

I wouldn't make it about the flat and her not being able to live with you. She needs to live with the person who is parenting the child, since it's planned.

During all of this, it's as if he really isn't a consideration to her at all. He's just an afterthought, a sperm donor if we're being harsh

OP posts:
DeltaEpsilon · 11/06/2021 21:40

I have to admit I'd find it hard to be very sympathetic during the very tired first trimester and so on, and would be a bit slow with offers of cups of tea.

You don't have to buy into her fairyland by any means. But it will probably all work out eventually.

There's lots of advice on how to bring up babies frugally - almost none of the kit is necessary - there are books and so on. A small flat is fine for a small baby - it's parents who need space and to be close to coffee shops and amenities - she can think about school catchment areas as the baby comes up to 4.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/06/2021 21:50

I’m so sorry OP, pls do make her stand on her own two feet, I’m so sorry for all she’s been through but she wants to play at being a grown up she does it fully.

LateAtTate · 11/06/2021 21:52

Tell her she needs to find her own flat - of course if things get rough and she has no choice you’ll allow her back but she can’t know that!
So sorry OP but on the bright side - once she sees how hard it is supporting a child she might get her act together , get some qualifications, find a better job?
It’s worth you offering support as and when necessary to make her long term independent 😂

LateAtTate · 11/06/2021 21:53

Also to add - what does the BF a think... having unprotected sex with her? Whoever’s idea this was he can’t legally wash his hands, it’s his baby too and surely he has to contribute financially as well

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 21:55

@LateAtTate

Also to add - what does the BF a think... having unprotected sex with her? Whoever’s idea this was he can’t legally wash his hands, it’s his baby too and surely he has to contribute financially as well
She’s probably told him parents will support her so he doesn’t need to.
VodselForDinner · 11/06/2021 22:04

I’m sorry, OP.

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 22:05

@SofiaMichelle

She started yelling 'Please mum, let us stay!'

Tell her to stop with this bullshit.

I'd be fucking livid if she was mine. Absolutely fucking livid!

Angry

Me too.

I would be fit to be tied.

She sounds so immature and so spoilt.

The stakes are so high I would be incandescent.

Obviously I just too old for this shit but I would be absolutely beside myself with the idea that this completely avoidable drama was being brought into my home and life.

Husband would be worse than me so at least we would be united in that.

LateAtTate · 11/06/2021 22:06

@stackemhigh that makes sense..but won’t stop her from chasing him once parents put their foot down, won’t it?
He’s as much to blame for this...

Blossomtoes · 11/06/2021 22:07

@deathbypostitnote

I wouldn't make it about the flat and her not being able to live with you. She needs to live with the person who is parenting the child, since it's planned.
Why? There are thousands of women bringing up children on their own. And she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to live with him. We got past shotgun weddings a long time ago, thank God.
Crispynoodle · 11/06/2021 22:08

She sounds exactly like me at 18. I got pregnant and at 5 months the baby died and I had to give birth. Of course, the pregnancy was a mistake. My mum sounded exactly like you and I have never forgot that. This incident drove the hugest wedge between us that lasted until she died in old age. I got pregnant again! At 19! I wanted a baby to heal my pain too. A day before my 20th birthday I had my DD. Because I had to do the best for my child my ambition ramped up. Several degrees later and a great career/house near the sea/car/hubby etc my DD has just made me a grandma for the 2nd time. She rebelled against my way of doing things and did everything the 'proper' way uni/marriage/house buying/then children etc. I'm not suggesting she TTC ASAP I'm just saying please see her point of view.

georgarina · 11/06/2021 22:08

Remind her that (I'm assuming) neither you nor her older mum friends lived/live in their parents' home when they had their children.

Time for a major reality check. It'll be difficult at first but so worth it in the end.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 22:09

[quote LateAtTate]@stackemhigh that makes sense..but won’t stop her from chasing him once parents put their foot down, won’t it?
He’s as much to blame for this...[/quote]
Agreed. Let’s hope she’s bluffing.

Gloschick · 11/06/2021 22:15

I'm going against the general opinion here. I think you were absolutely right to tell her to get her own flat if wants to ttc. However, now that it looks like there is a baby on the way, if it were me, then I would let her stay for the first year. The fact that she doesn't want to go off and play happy families in her own place suggests that:
a) her relationship with b'friend isn't up to much
b) she needs your support
It is incredibly frustrating that she has done this, but you guys are all that she has got. Her head isn't in a good place. In a few months she is going to have a baby to look after which is incredibly hard work at the best of times. She needs to feel supported. If b'friend isn't going to do it, then it needs to be you and dh.
You need to set boundaries. Maybe allocate a couple of rooms at the far end of the house for her to live in. She gets up at night with the baby. Maybe offer to babysit once a week to give her a break. After a year she has to find her own place before the sticky hands start. She will be a lot more grown up by that stage, and hopefully be in a better head space to make decisions about her future.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/06/2021 22:16

Bloody hell.

It won't be a disaster. She will manage. She just needs to figure out how. That's what adults do.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 22:16

She will never leave if she has the baby there. No chance.

rookiemere · 11/06/2021 22:20

Sorry OP that's definitely a positive test.