Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

Just remember as a woman, a mother and a grandmother, the responsibility lies with you.
Nothing is expected of the father or his family. What are their views or input?
What will the paternal grandparents doing in regards to support??
What practical support will your DH be providing

A very very immature young woman who wants a baby with a boyfriend she doesn't even want to live with, because she still lives at home rent free while working part time.

She wants to continue to stay home with mum and dad because she hasn't any interest in making that leap into adulthood but she still wants to play dollies with a new baby toy.

You need to come down hard on her, OP. Tell her to get sorted out with somewhere else to live right now if she's going to start pissing you about with talk of already being pregnant.

I'm staggered that so many people on here suggest letting immature teenage offspring just shit all over parents and their own life plans.

It beggars belief, it really does. But then probably also explains the multiple threads where people seemingly have no control over their 14-18yo DCs' behaviour. There's just too much permissive parenting followed by incomprehension at it all turning to shit. As if people can't put 2 and 2 together and work out how they've got themselves into that position.

The correct response to a teenager telling you they're going to TTC and then stay living in the family home with a baby is along the lines of, "Don't be so fucking ridiculous!"

Bollocks to all of this suggested pussyfooting around negotiating.

Nuclear. Straight away. Until it's abundantly clear what the consequences of such immature, selfish and downright irresponsible behaviour will be.

@Meruem

I think a lot of people are sticking up for the daughter because OP does sound rather mean and uncaring in her posts. Talking about her “perfect” house and her cruises. There’s still an 11 yr old at home, so OP must be what, early 50’s at most? Hardly “near retirement”. It’s another 7 years at least until the youngest flies the nest and surely the DD would have her own place by then also?

I do have some sympathy with the OP. I wouldn’t want to go back to the baby stage in my home either. But she comes across badly. I do agree that the DH has equal say in what happens. It’s his home too. And to say he’d leave all the work to OP when he’s been a hands on dad is a bit sexist. It sounds like OP wants to bully him into submission, it’s her way or no way.

In general I think some parents set themselves up for disappointment by assuming they can wash their hands of their DC once they hit 18. Life isn’t like it used to be. Many young people still need to live at home well into their 20s, rising housing costs, lack of employment opportunities etc. I mean of course you can kick them out but I don’t think much of someone who does.

I don’t see this situation panning out well. If the DD wants to get pregnant OP can’t stop her. Then what? Her and the DH are at cross purposes because OP will want to kick her out and DH will say no. Or he gives in and neither of them have much of a relationship with the DD from then on. We can all give our viewpoints on the situation but it’s not one with a clear answer.

Have to agree with this voice of reason in what has become a conduit for some pretty extreme views. The daughter might be imature teen, blinded by grief, coming across as entitled etc, but she is still the OPs daughter who is grieving.

@SofiaMichelle

A very very immature young woman who wants a baby with a boyfriend she doesn't even want to live with, because she still lives at home rent free while working part time.

She wants to continue to stay home with mum and dad because she hasn't any interest in making that leap into adulthood but she still wants to play dollies with a new baby toy.

You need to come down hard on her, OP. Tell her to get sorted out with somewhere else to live right now if she's going to start pissing you about with talk of already being pregnant.

I'm staggered that so many people on here suggest letting immature teenage offspring just shit all over parents and their own life plans.

It beggars belief, it really does. But then probably also explains the multiple threads where people seemingly have no control over their 14-18yo DCs' behaviour. There's just too much permissive parenting followed by incomprehension at it all turning to shit. As if people can't put 2 and 2 together and work out how they've got themselves into that position.

The correct response to a teenager telling you they're going to TTC and then stay living in the family home with a baby is along the lines of, "Don't be so fucking ridiculous!"

Bollocks to all of this suggested pussyfooting around negotiating.

Nuclear. Straight away. Until it's abundantly clear what the consequences of such immature, selfish and downright irresponsible behaviour will be.

I have two not far off this age and nuclear would barely cover it if their father or I heard anything so ridiculous.

I'm also understanding of the OP's disappointment at her not bothering with university despite being well capable.

A part time job in an admin position is not stretching her.

Her stupid father insisting she live rent free has facilitated her belief that the fairies pay for housing and utilities.

No wonder she has settled into this utopian world where someone else pays for everything.

I have children this age and I have dealt/deal with entitlement!

Most teens are well capable of sitting back and thinking they will do as little as they can and leave the bank.of mum and dad cover it all.

It needs confronting and nipping in the bud when it rears its head too high.

Life is not easy and bills have to be paid, teaching your children anything else is failing them in the harsh realities of life.

Part time jobs are fine during the university years only.

I can well imagine how utterly appalled the OP must be with her daughter's attempts at throwing her life away with the huge burden of early parenthood.

I thought it was hard enough in my mid 30's with years of life experience behind me.
At 19 the OP's daughter is rushing headlong into something that will irrevocably change her life.

Would it be worth asking your DD what she has planned re TTC and new baby @checkyourpops for example how often will baby see it’s father and if not that often does she think that is fair on the baby? How does she see her living situation - is it just that you will pay for her utilities and housing indefinitely - if so does she think that is fair ok you and if not how is she planning to pay for her own housing given her wage. Who is she planning to have mins the baby while she is at work - if childcare does she know cost of that and if you then you won’t be doing it so what are her other options. Does she want to marry her boyfriend - is he ‘the one’ if not then is it fair to have a baby with a man she doesn’t see being in the picture for the babies life etc

Just to see if she can realise how unprepared she is and how she is making a decision that relies on you financing her and no doubt expects you to mind the baby.

The manipulation of “you must not care about me or your GC then” would get my back up and I would turn it right back around on her.

Tell her she must not care very much about her own future child if she’s willing to bring it into this world without any means to support it, or give it a home with two stable parents.

Children need more than just love, unfortunately.

Yeah. Agree with Billy Dh and I would veer towards the Sofia approach if either of our currently younger teen dds voiced this genius “plan”. I don’t think so love. But we are vociferously like this to them now anyway so they wouldn’t even dare suggest it.

@Meruem

I think a lot of people are sticking up for the daughter because OP does sound rather mean and uncaring in her posts. Talking about her “perfect” house and her cruises. There’s still an 11 yr old at home, so OP must be what, early 50’s at most? Hardly “near retirement”. It’s another 7 years at least until the youngest flies the nest and surely the DD would have her own place by then also?

I do have some sympathy with the OP. I wouldn’t want to go back to the baby stage in my home either. But she comes across badly. I do agree that the DH has equal say in what happens. It’s his home too. And to say he’d leave all the work to OP when he’s been a hands on dad is a bit sexist. It sounds like OP wants to bully him into submission, it’s her way or no way.

You’ve conveniently ignored all of OP’s posts that show she actually loves her dd a lot and have decided OP is mean, uncaring, a bully and comes across badly all because she she is standing firm on not wanting a baby in the house.

When a woman is clear sighted enough to realise that her adult daughter’s actions will have a massive impact on her and the entire family that’s a good thing, and I think Op should be commended for being calm but firm in the face of extreme manipulation.

Op approach is kinder anyway. Pandering to this frankly daft idea is not doing the dd any favours either.

I really hope she's wrong about the test OP.
What a nightmare situation.

Hoping your DD is wrong, OP .

I think the sooner she moves out, the better. If she is going to be a parent, she has a big adjustment to make to being an independent, responsible adult managing her own bills and finances and it's going to be hard for her to do that in the family home.

I agree that I would want more for my DD than a part-time job & a teenage pregnancy.
However from your DD’s point of view, you offered her unconditional love & support when she got pregnant accidentally. Now, not only has she lost her baby but your support is very much conditional on her following the path you want for her. That will be difficult for her to appreciate.

My miscarriages were very early, so no where near as traumatic. But the grief didn’t heal until my baby was born.

She needs to move out and live with her DP, having a baby and him living elsewhere is not right. He needs to be living with the DC if they want a relationship and are a family.

My friend has allowed her daughters DP to move in, biggest regret of her life.

Having seen the shut storm the s has caused, I would never do it!

However from your DD’s point of view, you offered her unconditional love & support when she got pregnant accidentally. Now, not only has she lost her baby but your support is very much conditional on her following the path you want for her. That will be difficult for her to appreciate.

If she's too stupid to understand the very obvious difference between a parent caring when something traumatic has happened, and not supported an absolutely ridiculous 'plan' then she's very clearly too stupid and immature to be even thinking about TTC.

It's that MN juxtaposition again where on one hand teenagers are to be treated as fully formed adults with absolute autonomy when they choose, frankly, ludicrous actions. And on the other hand they're to be treated as children because they can't possibly be expected to behave as anything else until they're 25+.

If she's grown up enough to have a baby, she's grown up enough to move out with her boyfriend and start her own family in their own residence.
If they can't afford to live independently then they can't afford to have a baby.
I'm with you all the way OP.
I understand your poor daughter's grief but she can't fix it with a badly timed baby.

I'd also be concerned about how much she is using emotional manipulation to try and get what she wants. Obviously it's normal to an extent in teenagers but she is supposed to be becoming an adult and it can become a very toxic habit.

Some online groups are wonderful support, others can encourage very negative things and I'm wondering if that's what's happening here.

it can become a very toxic habit. yes it can - wise words! It’s our job as parents to be the mature one and guide our kids into better habits.

I understand your poor daughter's grief but she can't fix it with a badly timed baby

That statement shows very clearly that you have zero understanding of the grief of losing a baby. The only thing that soothes the grief is another baby, that’s why there’s an overwhelming biological imperative to conceive again. Grief can’t be “fixed” incidentally.

@Blossomtoes

I understand your poor daughter's grief but she can't fix it with a badly timed baby

That statement shows very clearly that you have zero understanding of the grief of losing a baby. The only thing that soothes the grief is another baby, that’s why there’s an overwhelming biological imperative to conceive again. Grief can’t be “fixed” incidentally.

Is there an actual term for this where a woman experiences a loss and is then desperate to be pregnant again. I feel like it’s a well known thing but is there an actual actual term for it ? (Sorry to hijack it’s just something I was thinking about)

What's your time scale OP, for this downsize travel round the world plan?

You have an 11 year old. You want to downsize while he's in secondary school and move to another area?

What age are you picturing him at home while you travel the world?

I find it a bit odd to be planning your life so fiercely around retirement plans while you still have a child in Year 6 (or 7).

The only thing that soothes the grief is another baby

@Blossomtoes No. And in this teenager's position it's not a feasible decision.

Grief works to its own time scale but many people work through it without latching on to the idea of having a 'replacement' baby, especially when the time isn't right.

*What's your time scale OP, for this downsize travel round the world plan?

You have an 11 year old. You want to downsize while he's in secondary school and move to another area?*

This is so irrelevant. Why does the OP need to defend her not wanting her teenager to have a baby in her house. It's so ridiculous. Who cares when or why she wants to downsize? It's a red herring here.

The only thing that soothes the grief is another baby

This girl needs to figure out another way to soothe her grief in this case unfortunately.

Already having an 11 year old tying you down is very relevant.

It is not just the DD who would be uprooted and disregarded if the parents downsize now. If the plan is to wait until DS is at Uni I would advise against this also because you end up sending your teenager to Uni with no Home base for security. Even if you have room for them it won't be their home and you will have made very clear they are no longer a priority.

Therefore the downsizing decision would have to be a decade away and hence somewhat irrelevant in a consideration of whether to support the DD having a baby now.

I do wonder why parents of 2 DC have a 5 bedroom house too big for them in the first place. Reading between the lines I suspect the DH is significantly older - hence nearing retirement - and there are grown up step children in the background.

@moynomore

*What's your time scale OP, for this downsize travel round the world plan?

You have an 11 year old. You want to downsize while he's in secondary school and move to another area?*

This is so irrelevant. Why does the OP need to defend her not wanting her teenager to have a baby in her house. It's so ridiculous. Who cares when or why she wants to downsize? It's a red herring here.

💯 agree