Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

It's so hard - how best to support young people who are making self-limiting choices - how to nudge and encourage them towards what will make them happier in the long run. The OP is clearly thinking about this very hard.

@pictureframenotperfect

That's really mean... the most important thing to me is my DD being happy. I'd want to help her as much as possible with what she wanted and if a baby would bring her happiness after such a sad loss then I'd want to help and support her with that. Your daughter sounds lovely with the helping with cleaning, her brother and bringing in shopping.

I'd be happy that I would get to play such a part in my grandchild's life and help and support them both.

Your husband sounds nice at least.

Ridiculous comment! Happiness does not mean you can have what you what whenever you want it- my children are my children, their children are their children- yes in decades to come I’d love to be a grandmother but not another mother- house, feed and raise your own children like I do!

@pictureframenotperfect How do you know the daughter will be happier with the child? She's 19 and she's never cared for her own child before. She could find it all extremely difficult and the burden of childcare would, without a doubt, fall on the OP. The OP is only trying to show her DD that these decisions she's making have serious implications beyond her own grief, it doesn't mean she loves her daughter any less than you.

Certainly supporting my daughter and her happiness would always be top priority for me above cruises and downsizing to a cottage so once a parent you aren’t allowed any aspirations or your own?

OP I would approach this from a diff angle, maybe start finding rentals for her and acting positive to the idea from a practical level to shock her:

Right will you look at a childminder or nursery
Here’s the rentals you can afford
Let’s go through a bill spreadsheet
Etc

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Certainly supporting my daughter and her happiness would always be top priority for me above cruises and downsizing to a cottage so once a parent you aren’t allowed any aspirations or your own?

Of course you are but my child would always come first

It’s up to her if she wants to have a baby, whether she’s 19 or 29 years old. I would be concerned in your shoes too- she is young, she isn’t really in a stable, committed relationship (in terms of living together, knowing they can work together etc) and is not, seemingly, in a financial position to support herself, never mind a baby. IMHO that means that she is being somewhat irresponsible to have a baby- but it is, ultimately her decision.

I think it is fine for you to express your concerns about the wisdom of her decisions and why you are concerned.

I also think you need to be very clear that she will need to move into her own home should she become pregnant. I think it is ridiculous that she honestly thinks this is a sensible and workable plan. She needs a reality check.

Of course you are but my child would always come first this is a pointless phrase- so hypothetically if I wanted to retrain in my later years and have the money for a course and my 25year old wants me to instead pay to her to go on a piss up holiday I should do what makes her happy?

OP, you need to be ready with some pre thought statements as to why you think it's not reasonable for her to stay home with the baby. At the moment, you asking her to leave the house and saying it's because you want to downsize etc which ( although reasonable) is not going to be a good enough reason in her eyes and will make her feel that you value her less and are more worried about your own enjoyment. What you need to be saying is things like ...the reason I want you to leave is because I love you and I want the best for you. And me letting you stay here will not give you the independence, self sufficiency and confidence that you need to have to be a parent. I want the best for not only you but also for my future GK and the best thing for my future GK is to have a mother who is financially, socially and emotionally independent and able to take care of herself and her kids. If you don't feel that you are in that position now then I will do everything I can to support you to get into that position until then you need to stop the TTC and work on building yourself up.

She said 'How can it be harder than living every breathe with no baby in my arms?'

She is clearly hurting and struggling a lot and needs your support. She might take you asking her to leave to mean that you do not care for her. I think you will have to be very careful to use the right language to communicate with her moving forward and keep a cool head. When she makes statements like this saying it's so bad then you need to gently let her know that you understand but another baby will not make things better. Another baby will not replace the precious one she has lost and another baby will not fill the hole in her heart. She feels the only thing she needs to do is get pregnant again and you will have to hold her hand and be there for her and tell her a thousand times gently that you love her and are there for her but being pregnant again will not give her the peace that she is looking for. Hopefully she will understand this and hold on the TTC

I'm sorry for you op I'm in this position. My daughter has not suffered a loss and is 10 years older. I work 40 hours a week and I am single. Her boyfriend is not pro active so it looks like her and baby will be living with me.
I am 50 and wanted to have freedom to live my life after bringing up my 4 children alone
Her life etc. But the impact on me will be hard

I'm resentful that her choice will impact the life I thought I would have.
I've done it all.,Didn't. Think I'd be doing it again at 50.
If she wants a baby she needs to provide not you.

And before anyone asks I lost a child to SIDS at 12 weeks. It took me 4 babies to realise subsequent pregnancies didn't fill the whole

That's really mean... the most important thing to me is my DD being happy

Such a strange way of thinking.

She’s 19, under-employed, doesn’t have her own home or savings, she’s not married, her relationship doesn’t sound that stable or committed, and her teenage boyfriend wanted an abortion when she first got pregnant.

It’s very unlikely that adding a baby to that mix would give her a happy ending.

Absolutely, it sounds like she’d be very happy to be pregnant again and have a baby, but how long would it last until the boyfriend is gone, and she realises that she’s stuck with a screaming toddler while her friends are off enjoying university and starting their careers and having money for holidays and nights out etc.

Sorry for bad spelling and grammar but I've been up since 4am for work

It's fine to make choices,as long as they don't impact anyone else,but you can't make decisions on the assumption someone else will change their life to accommodate you

She said 'How can it be harder than living every breathe with no baby in my arms?'

Then that's the choice she is making - moving out and becoming a (likely) single parent on a low income is less painful than the alternative.

It sounds tough but that's the reality - if you make an adult life choice you need to then act like an adult and take responsibility for it.

I think she is hoping she's already pregnant as a way to get you to let her stay. Harder to kick her out if she's already pregnant etc. She'll spin it to make you look nasty and her an innocent victim.

Supporting a child properly means preparing them for adulthood, and helping them make that shift from dependent to someone who can be a parent themselves. As OP is very much trying to do.
OP your dd needs to see that parenting isn’t about her, and what she wants, being a parent is about doing what is best for your child, even when that is difficult. Planning a baby when you have a very unsettled relationship and you still live with Mum and Dad is not a mature or responsible way to behave at all, it isn’t fair to deliberately bring a baby into this. She sounds so young in everything you say. I really think she needs more counselling, but how you persuade her I do not know.

Op. Don't let your daughter manipulate you in to facilitating her life choices.

If she wants a child, she needs to sort her accommodation, work, childcare and financials first.

You may be too snooty to realise but many organisations would go to pieces without those admin roles you're looking down on

I don't think it's the admin roll that's the problem

I think it's the lack of ambition or the need to do better to provide for your child that is the problem.

@pictureframenotperfect

That's really mean... the most important thing to me is my DD being happy. I'd want to help her as much as possible with what she wanted and if a baby would bring her happiness after such a sad loss then I'd want to help and support her with that. Your daughter sounds lovely with the helping with cleaning, her brother and bringing in shopping.

I'd be happy that I would get to play such a part in my grandchild's life and help and support them both.

Your husband sounds nice at least.

Well if you’re happy to let your children dictate the rest of your life then bully for you.

Wouldn’t be happening here

my child would always come first

Yes, and I’d expect the DD to put her future planned DC first by not being reliant on her parents to provide their home and money to support the baby. She’s not putting her DC first if she can’t support them.

Usually when a couple disagreeing on wanting a baby, the person not wanting the baby gets the support. In this case, although not a couple, it’s still the same idea of being a baby into the home, so the same rule should apply -if someone doesn’t want this, then it overrules wanting a baby. DD can obviously choose to bring a baby into her own home.

Quite telling that she doesn’t want to raise a child with her boyfriend.

Overall I think your DD needs help, bring a human being into the world because she thinks it’s the only way to heal is wrong. Although works for some, doesn’t work for everyone.

OP,

Unfortunately her grief and determination doesn't mean she isn't quite capable of exercising some manipulation.

She is hoping to be pregnant to prevent you moving forward with your plans.

I feel very sorry for you.
She sounds quite selfish in her determination.

Her grief does not top your understandable wishes to make plans for your future.

Considering the boyfriend and parents suggested a termination I am incredulous that they are all onboard.

I think you should contact them.

As it's YOUR home that she wishes to set up in, it is perfectly reasonable.

I am really sorry OP but it doesn't sound like she cares a whit for anyone other than what she wants at the moment.

I think unless you and your husband get very firm together you have a very difficult future ahead.

She certainly sounds as if she is so immature that it will be you and your husband raising and paying for this child.

I would be furious at her intransigence.

You really have my sympathy.

what has oh said about your plans to downsize and travel?

How can they travel with an 11 year old? Downsizing is what you do when your kids have left home, not while they’re still there.

H wants to travel to a few more places too (he's been to lots of different places all over the world, usually for work though).

He's also happy to downsize to a 3 bed. We currently have a large 5 bed

DD and DS knows we had plans to downsize. And we were thinking of something just a little further out but still close by