Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@JustLyra

Why do people keep banging on about her wanting to live rent free when the OP stated the reason she pays no keep is because the OP’s husband won’t allow it?

By all means judge on the situation, but people making shit up based solely on her age rather than what the Op has actually said about her in terms of her contribution to the home says far more about you than the young woman in question.

No, people have said she does live rent free. That's a fact. It may be because daddy is indulging her but it doesn't change the facts.

She's behaving childishly. And I would say that if she was 39 or 19.

@JustLyra

Why do people keep banging on about her wanting to live rent free when the OP stated the reason she pays no keep is because the OP’s husband won’t allow it?

By all means judge on the situation, but people making shit up based solely on her age rather than what the Op has actually said about her in terms of her contribution to the home says far more about you than the young woman in question.

She does live rent free, that’s a fact and not making shit up.

And when an adult chooses to live at home and work part time rather than work full time, save for a deposit and move out, then it’s pretty clear that she wants to keep living at home so she can continue to part time and live rent free.

No one is ‘judging’ her for wanting to live rent free, as that is what her parents have agreed. Her parents have not agreed to support a planned baby though.

She's behaving childishly

She’s behaving like a woman deeply in grief.

Update - Spoken to DD again this evening. She came home from work and actually asked to speak to me about the living situation

She's asked why she can't stay here, if I was okay with it with her DD? I said because this is planned, therefore she needs to actively plan her own adult life if she wishes to TTC.

I said you do know how hard and relentless a baby will be, then the next 18+ years of looking after them. It's hard work!

She said 'How can it be harder than living every breathe with no baby in my arms?'

I didn't know what to say so I said I'm so sorry it's hard for you. I suggested counselling, she said absolutely not. She's adamant she's come to terms with it, and TTC is the natural next step.

I pressed and said does her boyfriend actually know, she says yes. He's happy to try with her. Didn't look like she was lying

The conversation ended by me repeating again, she needs to find somewhere to live, I explained we really want to downsize, enjoy life a bit more.

She says she and her new baby would obviously not mean very much then if that's preferable to a new GC, after all the heartache.

She then walked off and told me she needs time to just be left and to think. I then came and spoke again, in her room.

She said she had some news. She says she's '10DPO' and thinks she has seen a faint line, so might be pregnant already Showed me the test too - I couldn't see anything!

So in shock, I said wait until the morning and test then. But the test very much looks negative. I won't obviously pin too much hope on the fact this one is negative because her period isn't due so it could turn positive yet.

She says no it's clearly an early positive and not an evap.

Sounds silly but it shocked me how much 'TTC' language she knows. Just like the abbreviations I learned through the chaos and stress of trying I went through when trying for DS.

I said I'd leave her to it, and she's welcome to join us for dinner as usual. She said she didn't fancy it and actually feels a bit sick I said okay, downstairs if she needs us.

This is bloody hard work.

I'm sorry, yes it does sound like hard work.

She's not going to see your side of things while she is grieving. I wonder if the boyfriend is genuinely up for parenthood.

What was the plan before she lost her baby im assuming you spoke about it? If the plan was for her to stay with you then I can understand why he thinks it won't be a problem this time. Apart from sticky fingers what are you other objections? Is your oh offering to be a sahg while your daughter is planning to return to work?
I think you have 2 separate issues here if she wants ttc you don't have to support her but I think if you push too hard for her not to it will make her more likely to.
The other issue is you don't want a baby in the house which I totally understand, I think you need to make her and oh understand that you do not want to be in the position of living with a baby again, you have parented your children and don't want to do it anymore, what has oh said about your plans to downsize and travel?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria I don't know, thing is I just don't feel like it's appropriate for me to ask? Seems a very strange thing to ask someone, 'So are you TTC with DD then?'

She says she and her new baby would obviously not mean very much then if that's preferable to a new GC, after all the heartache.

This is manipulative. It's not acceptable from anyone. If she is pregnant, then what can you do but supportive. But you and DH should sit both DD and her DP down and ask them what their plans are going forward. Grieving or not, if she is pregnant, this has BIG effect on your life and you have a right to get a say in it.

I would be re-iterating that she needs to move out. Offer her the deposit.

Don’t back down or you will be presented with a done deal.

Could you start looking for a nice bed sit, locally? This would get the ball rolling, once she has a positive test. I wouldn't let her stay and have the baby because she will never leave. Be better for her to have her own space too.

This doesn't sound right. This is the boyfriend who got his mum to beg you to get your daughter to have an abortion. I can appreciate he was heartbroken about the miscarriage, but I very much doubt he wants a baby. Now that you've been told that your daughter is pregnant it's time for a reality check with the new parents to be. It seems fair to ask how they are planning to fund their new family?

I honestly think that you should talk to her boyfriend about it. Ask him how he's going to support the baby, let his mother know that they're trying for a baby. Think they need some common sense.

It's very strange. She doesn't seem to have any concept of a child's need for a stable self-sufficient home with two parents living there in a stable relationship.

I think you need to explain that while you were willing to support her previously, the circumstances were far from ideal for her and not ideal circumstances for her child.

Is she spending a lot of time on www.twoweekwait.com? Am surprised she isn't also on here.

It sounds as if she has made up her mind so it's your move next. Difficult.

@DeltaEpsilon

Is she spending a lot of time on www.twoweekwait.com? Am surprised she isn't also on here.

It sounds as if she has made up her mind so it's your move next. Difficult.

No idea. Don't know what sites she uses, just know she's a part of a lot of miscarriage/stillborn baby Facebook groups because she's said so

That's really mean... the most important thing to me is my DD being happy. I'd want to help her as much as possible with what she wanted and if a baby would bring her happiness after such a sad loss then I'd want to help and support her with that. Your daughter sounds lovely with the helping with cleaning, her brother and bringing in shopping.

I'd be happy that I would get to play such a part in my grandchild's life and help and support them both.

Your husband sounds nice at least.

Invite him around to discuss the situation as two adult couples. Could even invite his mother.

"Your daughter sounds lovely with the helping with cleaning, her brother and bringing in shopping".

She does sound lovely, but surely a portion of chores is what all capable adults do when sharing a household.

OP, does your daughter have other friends her own age? Or are most of her emotional connections via these forums? What does she spend her free time doing?

Oh dear. It's good that you and DH discussed it and reached an agreement. It's for the two of you to be a united front. But her reaction (immediate reaction and subsequent discussions) is worrying If I were you I'd be gutted that she's refusing counselling and insisting on TTC. How awful that she's desperately hoping for a positive test and you're hoping for a negative

I suppose as a next step you'll need to discuss it with your DH again and decide where to go from here. I agree with all the PPs who have said that you should start charging her rent (and secretly saving it for her so you can give it to her for a deposit if/when she moves out). I think the message needs to be that it's her decision to TTC but in that case she needs to show that she is working towards being more independent and paying rent is part of that.

Personally I'd be tempted to call the boyfriend's parents and ask them if they know that the couple are TTC. Their reaction to the unplanned pregnancy was awful, completely unacceptable to demand your DD gets an abortion But in light of that I'd expect them to be less than thrilled about the TTC plan. I wonder if they'd have more success talking to their son than you've had with your DD. It would be a risky move though as it depends what his parents are like and how they're likely to react - it could all backfire and DD could be angry with you for contacting them.

@pictureframenotperfect that is very admirable but can you not imagine another person who does not want to have their dd plan to have a baby while living at home?

Also what age are your children? Because I find as the get older the natural order of things is you look forward to them becoming self sufficient. It is a nature progression, you're proud of them for doing that and ready to get some time for yourself too. I don't think many parents would "do anything" for their 25 year old in the same way the would have for their 5 year old.

Missed out a word.

It's crucial for the two of you to be a united front.

[quote Sally872]@pictureframenotperfect that is very admirable but can you not imagine another person who does not want to have their dd plan to have a baby while living at home?

Also what age are your children? Because I find as the get older the natural order of things is you look forward to them becoming self sufficient. It is a nature progression, you're proud of them for doing that and ready to get some time for yourself too. I don't think many parents would "do anything" for their 25 year old in the same way the would have for their 5 year old.[/quote]
One is 12 so nearing teenage years.

I just think it's my choice to be a parent, she didn't ask to be born and a lot of people really need their parents support into adulthood any way I could help my daughter I absolutely would want too...

Certainly supporting my daughter and her happiness would always be top priority for me above cruises and downsizing to a cottage.

The loss of the baby is pivotal to her feelings but it would still be a shit life decision to have a baby at this present moment.

As I said earlier, the OP's daughter isn't thinking straight. She's not got a plan for how she's going to raise the baby, where she's going to live or how she's going to support them.

Living in cramped conditions stuck at home as a teenage single mum isn't a lot of fun. I'm not sure it will make her happy.