Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to support DD TTC?

999 replies

checkyourpops · 09/06/2021 21:23

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space Hmm and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and usSad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/06/2021 12:11

@SempreSuiGeneris

The DD probably didn't get any say when her younger brother arrived just about the time she was growing into her teens. Her DM completely changed the dynamic of her growing into adulthood by having her kid brother.
And that's the way it generally works in families.
MaMaD1990 · 10/06/2021 12:14

@SempreSuiGeneris

The DD probably didn't get any say when her younger brother arrived just about the time she was growing into her teens. Her DM completely changed the dynamic of her growing into adulthood by having her kid brother.
Yes, totally reasonable for 8 year old to decide whether or not you have another baby...come on!
stackemhigh · 10/06/2021 12:17

@Blossomtoes

Thank you *@stackemhigh*. He’d be 44 now. I still think of him every day.
My mum lost her 7th child after 2 days, we have never forgotten her. My little sister would have been 37 now x
SempreSuiGeneris · 10/06/2021 12:25

Agreed you wouldn't consult older siblings before TTC. However I cannot imagine anyone bothering to consult their DM either.

It is of course within a DM's rights to say a DD is on her own if she has a baby but that statement alone has consequences for the DM / DD relationship going forwards. If you prioritise yourself and / or other siblings then be sure you are happy to be seen to be doing that by your DD, her longterm partner and his family and your DH and your future grandchildren.

cadburyegg · 10/06/2021 12:27

@SempreSuiGeneris

The DD probably didn't get any say when her younger brother arrived just about the time she was growing into her teens. Her DM completely changed the dynamic of her growing into adulthood by having her kid brother.
That’s a ridiculous comparison. Also, she wasn’t nearly a teenager either, she must have been about 8!
stackemhigh · 10/06/2021 12:27

If you prioritise yourself and / or other siblings then be sure you are happy to be seen to be doing that by your DD, her longterm partner and his family and your DH and your future grandchildren.

Shock

So a woman needs to prioritise the feelings of her adult daughter, her daughter's partner, HIS family and her FUTURE grandchildren ahead of herself?! Jesus!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/06/2021 12:53

So a woman needs to prioritise the feelings of her adult daughter, her daughter's partner, HIS family and her FUTURE grandchildren ahead of herself?! Jesus!

I agree. Some of the posts on here are jaw-dropping.

SempreSuiGeneris · 10/06/2021 12:59

There is no requirement to prioritise anyone but yourself ever. That is very different from pointing out the potential consequence.

moynomore · 10/06/2021 13:03

I am very surprised that some posters are saying either they would or that this OP should let her daughter stay at home with a baby. Never in a million years would I allow that where the baby was fully planned (and maybe not if it wasn't planned either). I love my daughter, but having a baby in the house when I am nearing retirement is not on.

moynomore · 10/06/2021 13:04

The DD probably didn't get any say when her younger brother arrived just about the time she was growing into her teens. Her DM completely changed the dynamic of her growing into adulthood by having her kid brother.

This is hilarious. Should I have checked whether my son wanted a sibling before I had his sister?

ThePriceIsNotRight · 10/06/2021 13:13

The daughter probably didn’t get a say when her brother arrived, but it didn’t happen in a house she owned, did it? Nor was she expected to be support. The situations are incomparable.

I would absolutely not be supporting the daughter in this either. If she is hell bent on conceiving again then she needs to move out and stand on her own two feet.

billy1966 · 10/06/2021 13:13

I've heard it all, parents should check if their children think it's ok to have a sibling is comparable to a 19 year old deciding to have a baby and expecting her parents to house, fund, and provide childcare.

🤣🤣🤣

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 13:21

This whole thread is so misogynist it's sick. How dare a woman prioritise herself and her partner after raising two kids by not wanting a baby in the house again! Seriously, some fucking horrible, personal posts on here. Can't believe what's not been deleted when some posters get deleted for far less.

secular39 · 10/06/2021 13:28

@EBathory

Why can she not continue living with you with a baby? You have space, she has a secure job with decent maternity pay, her partner is working to become qualified in a decent job. Her dad is happy for her to stay, the problem seems to be all yours. I think you need to identify what your problem with this is and takes steps to address the real issues concerning you
The problem is that OP (the mother) will be expected to look after the baby for childcare. That will happen for a fact.
JustLyra · 10/06/2021 13:29

The problem is that OP (the mother) will be expected to look after the baby for childcare. That will happen for a fact.

Why on Earth are so many people staying that as fact?

The Op works. Even her posts don’t suggest she’s expecting to be a full time babysitter.

Her DD would be able to claim toward childcare costs just like anyone else who works (as she does).

secular39 · 10/06/2021 13:30

@checkyourpops

I'm really sorry for any offensive I've caused, regarding nhs admin. Reality is it isn't well paid at all, and she's part time but has no reason not to be FT? It's just not really a job you hope for your DC, is it? She had so many good results from A Level, I was shocked when she announced she'd be working admin at our local hospital
I don't think you need to apologise. Every parent wants more for their children. There is nothing wrong with admin jobs but your DD is still very young and I wouldn't want my own child to stay in an admin job for a number of years at your DD's age. If she works instead of going to university, she would have to fund her own childcare.
Cafepurff · 10/06/2021 13:34

I completely agree with you. Having a newborn baby in the house would be far from ideal. I also really don’t think it’s fair on your DS.
Starting senior school and he has to be lumbered with a screaming baby at night. I think you need to put your DS first, he is 11 and has all his teen years to come.

If you DD wants to have a baby that’s absolutely her choice but I think you need to make it very clear to your husband and her that it will not be happening in your house. Especially the boyfriend moving in. I think it just shows her age and immaturity that she thinks starting a family from her room at her parents house is a sensible thing to do.

billy1966 · 10/06/2021 13:36

@osbertthesyrianhamster

This whole thread is so misogynist it's sick. How dare a woman prioritise herself and her partner after raising two kids by not wanting a baby in the house again! Seriously, some fucking horrible, personal posts on here. Can't believe what's not been deleted when some posters get deleted for far less.
Exactly.

How dare the OP want to plan for a childfree retirement.

How dare she want to live in a smaller house as she ages.

How dare she think for one minute she has any agency over her future.

How dare she want more than being surrounded by children to end of her days.

How dare she!

🤣🤣🙄🙄

funinthesun19 · 10/06/2021 13:41

Just as it wasn’t up to the op when her sibling came along, it’s also not up to the op whether she gets a grandchild or not. It’s not the 1950s and people aren’t in charge of their daughters’ reproductive choices anymore.

That said, it’s also not automatically the op’s responsibility to facilitate this life decision in the way of housing and finances. I think it would be beneficial for the op’s dd if she found her own place with her partner and made a life for herself and her little family should she choose to go ahead and have a baby.

MoreAloneTime · 10/06/2021 13:42

What strikes me is she is working and living rent free but you say she has no savings. Even on minimum wage you should be able to save something when you don't pay rent and even her previous pregnancy doesn't seem to have motivated her to do so. The fact that she can hold down a job is good but it doesn't sound like she's capable of living like an adult if she can't manage money.

Is she a responsible person in general and does she have much confidence? I'm wondering if her wanting to have a baby and live with you is because she doesn't feel like she is able to become a responsible adult and she sees this as an opt out.

I think she does need some serious counselling to help her process the grief and maybe work on confidence. I'm not sure how useful the groups she is in are as I imagine most of the women in them are at a very different life stage when it comes to being ready for a baby. What's right for them probably isn't for her.

Hopefully her boyfriends parents have convinced him to use condoms.

MarshmallowAra · 10/06/2021 13:46

If you want to be a parent,then you also want to be a full adult. The two are not separable.

Full adults support themselves and provide their own lodging, utilities etc.

She cannot be a parent, while not being a full adult and while continuing to live off her own parents.

Temporary help for an unplanned pregnancy is one thing, this is something else.

If she and her partner wish to be parents, they need to get and pay for accommodation for themselves and budget for utilities, food etc etc.

That needs to be said to her on repeat.

If she continues to TTC she must get herself set up as a proper full adult and parent.

I doubt your or your h's parents provided accommodation etc for you two when you had your children.

She's living in cloud cuckoo kiddy land where mummy and daddy provide everything while she has a baby with a boyfriend who won't even be living with her full-time.

Your h needs to wise the fk up.

TheresHope · 10/06/2021 13:50

Mumsnet: grandparents are entitled to their peace and don’t owe you babysitting or childcare! Your kids, your responsibility!!

Also mumsnet: Why won’t you let your adult daughter plan a baby and live at home and you fund her lifestyle, you have space, you’re soooooo horrible!!

Honestly. This place sometimes!! Confused

soreenqueen21 · 10/06/2021 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarshmallowAra · 10/06/2021 14:02

It’s not the 1950s and people aren’t in charge of their daughters’ reproductive choices anymore.

In the 1950s unmarried girls didn't have kids with boyfriends while living at home.

If they fell pregnant outside marriage, there generally was either a wedding or an adoption.

It's DD and her partner's job to provide for this child they're planning. Yet neither of them seem award of that. They're only planning to have a child because they're completely entitled in expecting her parents to provide essentially everything for her and their child, while daddy pops in and out.

Two kids playing house and parents.

They need a wake up call, fast.

Fernando072020 · 10/06/2021 14:09

@checkyourpops

Thank for (most!) of the replies. I had a proper chat with DH last night, and we came to the agreement that we'd support DD to put a rent deposit together if she becomes pregnant, but she can't live here. He's also agreed it really is time to think of selling up soon

We went and spoke to DD, said we absolutely feel for her and we are sorry she's in this position, it must be hard. We said we support her choice if she wants another baby, but, it means moving out. She broke down into tears asking why?! Since she could've stayed here with the last baby. I said that wouldn't have been long term, and this is an active decision of hers. If she wants to become a mum then she needs to find accommodation too. She told us to get out and said we're heartless and unsupportive. I said to her about her boyfriend, why hadn't she even asked if she could have him stay with us too? She said she just wants her baby! Boyfriend will see new baby whenever

I repeated what we said about the housing and left it at that. Obviously not spoken since because it's so early, but DH is getting ready for work and seems very calm and happy about our choice

All I can see from this post is how much your DD is still hurting and grieving her baby girl. My heart breaks for her. I don't think she's thinking rationally when you lose a pregnancy / baby, becoming pregnant again just consumes you.

I believe you've done the right thing saying you'll support her decision to try again but letting her know your boundary of wanting her to move out. It's well within your right to ask that in your own house.

I do believe however that more grief support / counselling may be needed for your DD.

Swipe left for the next trending thread