Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@PrincessNymeria

Also, have you explained to her how much resentment you'll feel for her and the baby, if she does this? Because it sounds like you will, and that will sour your relationship with dd and your grand child (because your daughter was entitled and thought she could have her cake and eat it).

And what if she gets pregnant again after that? Decides she wants two kids, and it's okay because mum and dad have a big house, can continue to help out, pay for things etc?

Er...please don't tell your daughter you feel resentment (if that is the case). Really bad idea...

I really feel for her but you’re not being unreasonable at all and totally understand your thinking

[quote checkyourpops]@osbertthesyrianhamster Thank you, I probably won't divorce over it but I will be furious with him. I don't want a baby/small child in this house again. It's perfect and done up exactly to how I want, no Micky hands [/quote]
But what if your DH (assuming he's a joint owner of the house) DOES want that? He may, perfectly reasonably, consider living with his grandchild preferable to increased holidays and cruises, and he may have as much say in what happens to the house as you.

I really hope you all manage to resolve this amicably and I am so sorry for your daughter's loss.

@checkyourpops

I'm really sorry for any offensive I've caused, regarding nhs admin. Reality is it isn't well paid at all, and she's part time but has no reason not to be FT? It's just not really a job you hope for your DC, is it? She had so many good results from A Level, I was shocked when she announced she'd be working admin at our local hospital

I find this statement really offensive! My sister works for the NHS in an admin role. Yes it is what we wanted for her as she's happy. Life is bit just about earning big bucks!! She had good A level results but dropped out of uni as it wasn't for her.

I agree with you however that it's probably not the best time for her to ttc. I would sit down with her, her boyfriend and your husband and have an open and frank discussion.

*Will feel resentment if she does this.

Better op warns her that's how she'll feel, than shows her everyday that's how she feels.

But what if your DH (assuming he's a joint owner of the house) DOES want that? He may, perfectly reasonably, consider living with his grandchild preferable to increased holidays and cruises, and he may have as much say in what happens to the house as you.

No--"don't want it" trumps "do want it" when it comes to things like pets, children and grandchildren. You don't bring a puppy or a kid into a house unless everyone is happy with them being there.

If I were you then to Dh "dd thinks this will help her I don't believe it will. Whilst I would have supported her last time it isn't the life I planned. I don't want to end up helping to parent my grandchildren. I also want us to have flexibility in retirement. I can't support dd ttc and I need you to back me up on this. If she ends up pregnant we can re assess"

To dd "I love you and am so sorry for what you have been through. I don't think you can get over your loss with another baby. But it is your decision. That said I don't want any more children, and having a grandchild living here would be too much for me. I need you to move out, I will help where I can with advise and visits but not living here. Also it would be better for father and baby to live together so a place for the 3 of you seems more practical for many reasons.
If you can support yourself and are sure you want a baby then I will be happy for you. But please make a plan to move out first"

People don't have to earn big bucks in their job but they do have to be able to house and support themselves and any dependent children.

@PrincessNymeria

*Will feel resentment if she does this.

Better op warns her that's how she'll feel, than shows her everyday that's how she feels.

Just, no.

I agree you have two issues here, a DH issue and a DD issue.

First, DH. He doesn’t get to decide he’s ok with a baby and to tell DD that. This isn’t the kind of decision he gets to veto. You both have to be 100% on board with it. If he’s fine, and you’re not, you tell DD together that if she has a baby she moves out. Not that “your mum says you have to move out”. This is a huge huge thing with lots of implications, it needs to be unanimous. How long would he be happy with DD there for? What if her boyfriend did want to move in? Would he be happy not charging them rent or food for 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? He must surely see that for their own good they need to be independent. But even if he doesn’t, the point to raise with him is that this isn’t something he gets to override you on, you have to both be completely on board. And you’re not, and that’s perfectly reasonable.

Then separately with DD, I think all you can really do is keep drip feeding the financial implications of having a child. “Oh, you’ll need a flat and round here that’s £xx/month; you’ll need childcare and that’s £xx/month; nappies cost £xx, have you seen the price of prams etc”.
Plus I’d start charging her rent and board so she starts to feel the pinch a bit on her low paying job - you can get DH on board by saying you’ll secretly save it for her and give it back in future for a deposit. I do agree she is being insanely entitled and it is your DH’s attitude that is bizarre, to be honest.

[quote Jellybabiesforbreakfast]**@Lavender201. I don't get what you're saying. Someone on £70k doesn't need their mum's help to look after their child... they can afford nursery. And quite frankly it's a bit much to sign the mum up for 5 days a week childcare when she's also working weekends... so the mum never gets a day to herself ! She works 7 days a week. That's just outrageous and Susie is taking huge advantage of her mum.

There should be no obligation on grandparents to help with childcare and parents need to plan these things before having kids... another reason why the OP's DD becoming a single mum at 19 is not a good idea.[/quote]
I have no clue what you are talking about. Who is Suzie? Are you on the right thread? Who earns 70k? Who’s talking about 5 day a week childcare?

I have only read OPs posts. OP says their daughter works 4 days/week in NHS admin, and wants to have a baby while living under her parents roof. OP wants to downsize. I wondered if they could help with a mortgage deposit (if at all possible) instead of rental deposit so the daughter can be independent

Why should the OP have to hide her resentment at the prospect of having a baby deliberately foisted onto her just as she's looking forward to retirement?

It sounds like you handled the chat well from your side of things. It must be so hard when you can see she is hurting.

@Lavender201. Sorry, wrong poster . That was about @GettingAwayWithIt's friend who seems to think it's ok to use her mum as an unpaid nanny.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Why should the OP have to hide her resentment at the prospect of having a baby deliberately foisted onto her just as she's looking forward to retirement?

It's an incredibly fragile situation. The OP has already made it clear that she won't support her DD the way her DD has presumed she would. Outrightly telling her she'd be resentful will not a constructive conversation make.

You need to make it absolutely clear to her ASAP that if she gets pregnant and keeps the pregnancy she will be finding her own place to live. It’s preposterous frankly that she thinks she can have a baby and remain living with her parents. Is she old and mature enough to have a child but too immature to support herself? Well she can’t exactly support a child then, can she?

As a teen I remember when I became sexually actively my mum telling me that if I got pregnant I’d be either aborting or moving out. Those were the choices. She’d done her time child rearing and wasn’t at all prepared to be involved in doing it again. If you’re old enough to choose to have a baby then you’re old enough to support yourself and that baby.

I would never have done something so silly anyway but I always respected her being clear. I think sometimes teenagers don’t think too clearly or very far ahead and have fantasies they’ll have a baby while also being babied by their parents still. If that isn’t on the table then you have to let her know immediately so she can make decisions with that in mind.

she wants to be an adult then she can provide for her own family

i assume shes relying on you for childcare when she returns to work

Just realised I skipped past the last post from OP before I replied - sorry.

Glad you and dh are on same page and have told dd. She can adjust her plans accordingly but now she knows your position. Sounds productive.

Missed some updates glad you got dh on side now

your daughter is still grieving it sounds like-shes not inthe right place to be ttc again right now especialy if her boyfriend doesnt even know

From reading the rest of your comments you sound like a really lovely and supportive mum.

Being a good parent isn’t about shielding your child from any hardship or difficult emotions. It’s also about equipping them with the understanding of how the world works, fostering independence, and providing guidance (if they want it) around major life choices. You telling DD that if she has a child she’ll be raising them in her own place is the most fair and loving thing you could do. Her having a strop really makes it seem like she’s far too immature for a child but that’s not in your hands. All you can do is assert and hold your own boundaries regarding what you are comfortable with and your adult child can make their own decisions with those in mind.

[quote CornflowerBlueBird]@SmokeyDevil you’ve made a lot of that up. You’ve just invented aspects to the OPs daughter that haven’t even been mentioned. You can’t just make stuff up and say ‘no doubt’, what a load of crap.[/quote]
She hasn’t made it up. Read OP’s posts.

Well done op on being clear with your dh and your daughter
Another child is maybe not a solution in this particular situation and she needs more counselling to help her through

OP,
That sounds very positive.
You clearly are a caring mum and I feel sympathy for your daughter but her entitlement is off the scale.

She e pects to have a child and the dirty business of paying bills, providing a home, childcare? will be her parents responsibility.

Meanwhile you are your husband suspend indefinitely any plans for a childfree future?

Cloud cookoo land IMO.

You have rightly exppained that your home is not to be depended on.

I would move forward with the house sale and insisting on her moving out.

This will be the clearest way for her to see the consequences for HER of her choices.

I feel for her and I think extra counselling would be a great idea but she needs to know clearly that HER choices are not going to be allowed to derail your plans.

An accidental pregnancy is totally different.

She sounds very immature actually so showing her reality couldn't happen any clearer.

I think it is hugely bizarre and presumptuous to expect that your mother will just be on board for Granny duty.

I am completely over the baby stage so the idea of what you have written would be genuinely horrifying for my husband and myself.

Husband even more so.

She may try and guilt you, stay strong and resolute.

Glad you have support from your husband, op. Many 19 year olds are quite infantile ( I was the same in thinking money grew on trees) but you do her no favours in enabling this. If there was a baby already she would still have to move out. Now she has a choice about how she runs her life. She still needs to get real.