Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

It seems you are unhappy about a lot of your daughters lifestyle choices. The thing is, it’s her life. You can’t make her live the life you imagined for her, and if you did she would probably be miserable.

Does she have the means to support herself? If so, I would be helping her find a place as close by as I could. I lost a baby at 23, unplanned. The pain was horrendous, I left it 5 years before having another, but I understand the overwhelming desire to try again straight away. This isn’t something she will just get over. It’s either find a compromise or risk losing her.

It sounds like the talk went well from your side but she is obviously devastated. Can you sit down when she has calmed down and talk her through it to see if she can afford it on her own, be there as a sounding board.

I'd be concerned that this isn't the relationship for her either - it seems she's not that bothered about the BF as long as she gets a baby. I think you've done the right thing in making it clear that she needs to start acting like a grown up and move out if she wants a baby. Just keep being gentle but firm.

Totally with you, OP. She doesn’t sound as if she’s mature enough to think about what it involves to raise a child if she wants to stay in her childhood home and live off mummy and daddy. My daughter would be told a firm ‘no’. I would be quite sad if she thought it was acceptable. However, your DH needs a good shake! At his age, he should be mature enough to realise it’s a terrible idea. Does he not realise what he would be signing up for? Don’t get angry, but tell him it would be unacceptable and he needs to present a united front with you on that,

Well done OP so pleased you have your husbands support. Now it’s time to get practical. Start looking at places to rent today. Sounds like you can afford to help them. I didn’t want mucky hands at my house either. Much better for them to stand on their own two feet as much as possible.
Tough love with lots of support is they way to go.

I would be annoyed too. She can have her baby when she moves out. How is she going to afford childcare on her basic salary? Does that mean she'll stop working and expect you to bank roll her and the baby? If it were me, I'd downsize now and plan the holidays.

@poptartsarefood

Does the boyfriend know she's TTC? It seems a bit strange he initially was begging her for an abortion, but now thinks it's a great idea to make a human together.

I haven't asked him, I think that's overstepping the mark. But I'm not unconvinced he'd want to try again too... he lost his daughter just like DD lost hers. He was devastated too

Sounds like counselling for your daughter and helping her as she prepares to move out is a good idea and will benefit her long term. Maybe help her with budgeting - so she realises how much things cost - bills, council tax, rent.

Your DS is only 11 so it is going to be a very long time before you are going to be footloose and fancy free as you envisage. If your DD had a baby now they would be at school before he has left school.

I have friends who had DC at age 20 and now have grown up DC while they are still in their 30s with a degree under their belt and a 30 year career ahead of them.

I have a friend who was in exactly your position a couple of years ago. She absolutely dotes on her grandson and her 2 DDs (the one with the baby and the sensible career one) are all closer than they have ever been. I also have a friend who took your attitude and sees very little of her DD or grandchild and somewhat regrets it. In between these extremes lots of examples of compromise and supportive families.

I also had a missed miscarriage at 20 weeks. What got me over it was having my own DD a year later.

My Grannie had her 1st baby as a "mistake" when she was 20 and was happily married to his father for over 60 years. She would find your attitude baffling because having lived through 2 World Wars and several renditions of societal norms she was pretty dismissive of plans and expectations. Now I am in my 50s with lots of divorced friends and friends who have spent 20 years juggling and compromising to "have it all" my attitude is similar.

You could still downsize and help your DD to buy somewhere or buy somewhere for her to rent from you. We don't have a 5 bedroom house but do have a 20 and a 10 year old. In your shoes that is what I would do. Part of me wishes my 20 year old had a job, working boyfriend and was planning a family instead of stuck in limbo in the wreckage of the Covid Uni experience atm.

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

You do realise you're talking about your future grandchild here?

You come across as unbelievably cold.

She comes across pragmatic. Why on earth should she put her life plans on hold because her daughter wants a baby? Why should she have to go back to sleepless nights, babysitting duties, a screaming baby in the home she and her husband built? You can love your grandchild but not want to be 2nd mother to it! That’s the joy of grandchildren, you give them back.

I am currently back living at home whilst my house is being renovated, but if I got pregnant I would not in a million years expect my parents to live with a new human in the house, helping me do all of the baby crap they’d already done. I don’t understand why people think that parents should put their own lives (you only get one by the way...) on hold for their children’s whims. OP has said they will help their daughter out with a deposit for her own place if she gets pregnant. That’s more than a lot of people would get. The daughter has a boyfriend and a job, she is an adult, she needs to grow up and get with the real world.

Wow, you sound very unkind. She's been through a massive loss and no one can understand that unless they've been through it. I don't understand, neither do you.

You can encourage her to move out sure, but do it with kindness.

I got pregnant at 19 and I feel like you, it seems a bit daft to 'plan' pregnancy at 19, even more so(and entitled) when you aren't looking to move out. But her job is a real job, that's quite insulting to every admin worker in the NHS.

Your daughter will see the things you said as making her life more difficult but what are her plans for after the baby is born?
Stop work and live off her parents?
Or go back to work and organise & pay for childcare?

Get her to look clearly at the practicalities.

@PurpleRainDancer

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS

That's rather a thoughtless statement.

This. Planning to raise a child in one room at your parents house is a ridiculous idea. Working 4 days a week in the NHS is a proper job.

I think you are entitled to say that if she does have a child you will be supportive and loving grandparents she will have to move out of your house and start her own family unit in her own space, but beyond that this is out of your control.

Does she have any young mum friends in real life? This could either encourage her or put her off. But it would certainly give her insight into the realities of babies. Your DD sounds lovely and responsible in how she looks after your DS, she just needs to see that babies are a very different ball game. She is also smart and will find her way to success in life with the right people around her. I agree with pp that further counselling is needed and a break from social media. Good luck op and sorry for the families loss. X

I find it completely bizarre that so many on here are advocating for a 19yo unmarried woman to try for a baby when she is not financially independent.

Right?! This is exactly why we see so many posts of women who go 'I've got myself in a mess, partner is leaving me and I have no money, no job, no house, what do I do?'. And yet here we have, supposedly women who want the best for other women, encouraging it. I think a lot of people have seen that she's had a miscarriage and are blanking out the bad parts of this. That's not right. Yes it is very hard to go through a miscarriage, but the solution isn't to have a baby in your parents home. She needs more counselling, not a child.

The daughter is lazy. She's deliberately working a part time job probably so she doesn't have to move out due to lack of money, also gets an extra day to herself and mummy and daddy cover for her on other things no doubt. She has literally no reason to not be in full time work. It's very nice to be in part time work, if you can afford it. She can't. Big difference there.

She's not wanting to move out because then mummy and daddy can play secondary parents when she wants to go on a date no doubt. And also pay for stuff because she and her boyfriend can't afford it.

She and her boyfriend need to rent a place together, with their own money not their parents and then have a child if they so wish. I don't agree with that choice, think she will end up on here asking for help and there's none to be given sadly, but it's her choice. She can't keep living at home and having kids forever. She's an adult she can start acting like one.

@Katyy

Well done OP so pleased you have your husbands support. Now it’s time to get practical. Start looking at places to rent today. Sounds like you can afford to help them. I didn’t want mucky hands at my house either. Much better for them to stand on their own two feet as much as possible. Tough love with lots of support is they way to go.

I can’t believe some of the shit that I am reading. Tough love? OP, I think you’re being really harsh on your daughter. I lost a baby years ago. It still hurts. I now have a DC but there are fines when I think about that other baby and it causes pain. She is trying to heal herself in the only way she knows how. You’ve come across as VERY dismissive of her feelings. You’ve been really casual about her counselling/mental health, rude about her job and called ‘lazy’ and a ‘good girl’.

I’m going to be blunt here, but it sounds to me like you need to step up and be a mum. Stop thinking about yourself (which is all I’m reading in your posts, your house, you want to move) and start trying to imagine what your daughter is going through. You don’t have to support her TTC and you can tell her she can’t have the baby in your house, but to ‘repeat the housing situation m’ when she’s having a breakdown sounds callous.

You need to help her through this. She needs support, not a mother who sounds like she is looking down on her daughter, judging her relationship, her job and calling her lazy.

@SmokeyDevil you’ve made a lot of that up. You’ve just invented aspects to the OPs daughter that haven’t even been mentioned. You can’t just make stuff up and say ‘no doubt’, what a load of crap.

[quote CornflowerBlueBird]@SmokeyDevil you’ve made a lot of that up. You’ve just invented aspects to the OPs daughter that haven’t even been mentioned. You can’t just make stuff up and say ‘no doubt’, what a load of crap.[/quote]
One could say exactly the same of your post.

They’re just different interpretations of the same data.

@TatianaBis no, I’ve based mine off the information the OP has given, the other poster has invented things such as ‘she wants mummy and daddy’s money’ or then to take care of the baby. Which has not been mentioned at all.

I was really ready to say how unreasonable you're being, but reading through I think you're making the right decision. It's clear your DD is still grieving and perhaps has this fantasy of how having a baby will make everything better, but without knowing how hard it is in reality. Although your decisions can seem harsh bon the face of it, you're actually supporting her by thinking long term and forcing her to look at the reality of being a new mum away from her parents, paying her own rent and bills and being a grown up - none of it is easy and I think she's gotten hung up on the fact that she would've stayed with you had her first baby survived, so perhaps just assumed you'd be happy with the arrangement she's made up in her mind. You'd be doing her a disservice if you didn't offer up the 'tough love', and it sounds like you'd be supportive should she have another a baby, but she needs to stand on her own two feet to do it.

For those saying I'm not supportive of DD, I am. As I said earlier on in the thread, we talk about her baby daughter all the time in this house. Even DS speaks of her. She is a part of our family and her memory is cherished

We are usually a very open family and talk a lot. Even DS is very chatty about his life

She said she just wants her baby!

She’s still grieving. I can understand why she feels the situation is no different. The end result would be the same from her perspective.

I really feel for her. It’s such a huge loss to accept.

However, I do not think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn’t want an adult child and their family living in my home at that stage of life either.

All I would say is to tread very carefully. The last thing you want is for your DD to feel like she’s being made to leave and for it to cause a rift.

[quote CornflowerBlueBird]@SmokeyDevil you’ve made a lot of that up. You’ve just invented aspects to the OPs daughter that haven’t even been mentioned. You can’t just make stuff up and say ‘no doubt’, what a load of crap.[/quote]
Like what? What have I made up? That she works a job for 4 days and could do 5, but doesn't want to? That she just wants to stay at home with her baby because she wants her parents help on hand? Shes called them unsupportive, there's a difference between being supportive and being walked all over. Anyone who would let her stay at home to have a baby that she doesn't even seem bothered about the father being involved is a fool. She needs therapy, not a baby.

@SmokeyDevil

I find it completely bizarre that so many on here are advocating for a 19yo unmarried woman to try for a baby when she is not financially independent.

Right?! This is exactly why we see so many posts of women who go 'I've got myself in a mess, partner is leaving me and I have no money, no job, no house, what do I do?'. And yet here we have, supposedly women who want the best for other women, encouraging it. I think a lot of people have seen that she's had a miscarriage and are blanking out the bad parts of this. That's not right. Yes it is very hard to go through a miscarriage, but the solution isn't to have a baby in your parents home. She needs more counselling, not a child.

The daughter is lazy. She's deliberately working a part time job probably so she doesn't have to move out due to lack of money, also gets an extra day to herself and mummy and daddy cover for her on other things no doubt. She has literally no reason to not be in full time work. It's very nice to be in part time work, if you can afford it. She can't. Big difference there.

She's not wanting to move out because then mummy and daddy can play secondary parents when she wants to go on a date no doubt. And also pay for stuff because she and her boyfriend can't afford it.

She and her boyfriend need to rent a place together, with their own money not their parents and then have a child if they so wish. I don't agree with that choice, think she will end up on here asking for help and there's none to be given sadly, but it's her choice. She can't keep living at home and having kids forever. She's an adult she can start acting like one.

Lazy to be working four days a week after a traumatic event? Who are you to judge whether she can afford it ? I'm guessing she maybe doesn't have many outgoings currently if living at home ? Maybe she has been unable to secure full time work - at 19 years old i actually think she is doing pretty well in the current circumstances. I do agree she should be moving out if she wants a baby though - absolutely not op's responsibility to have any part in facilitating this nonsense.