Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

What happened to getting married, buying a house and having a baby, in that order? That's what I would want for my DCs.

IK,R?

If the young woman in question envisages herself as being primarily a homemaker, she needs to work hard now, save some money, and then (a few years from now) get married to a guy with rock-solid earning prospects who has a stable settled job and is actually ready for marriage (ie, NOT a boy of flippin' 19 who is in the middle of his apprenticeship scheme!).

The chances that her 19yo boyfriend and her and going to be able to make this relationship work long term are extremely small, and if she's someone who likes an easy life, then being a single mother is going to be a bloody rude shock.

OP, you need to get her to go to counselling. She's traumatized and unhinged. She needs help and sympathy, but that's not the same as encouraging her to make stupid choices, which is what your husband seems to be doing.

Thank for (most!) of the replies. I had a proper chat with DH last night, and we came to the agreement that we'd support DD to put a rent deposit together if she becomes pregnant, but she can't live here. He's also agreed it really is time to think of selling up soon

We went and spoke to DD, said we absolutely feel for her and we are sorry she's in this position, it must be hard. We said we support her choice if she wants another baby, but, it means moving out. She broke down into tears asking why?! Since she could've stayed here with the last baby. I said that wouldn't have been long term, and this is an active decision of hers. If she wants to become a mum then she needs to find accommodation too. She told us to get out and said we're heartless and unsupportive. I said to her about her boyfriend, why hadn't she even asked if she could have him stay with us too? She said she just wants her baby! Boyfriend will see new baby whenever

I repeated what we said about the housing and left it at that. Obviously not spoken since because it's so early, but DH is getting ready for work and seems very calm and happy about our choice

Hi OP. You’ve done the right thing but that conversation with your DD shows how deeply she is hurting.

Please organise more counselling for her pronto. Tell her that you understand how much she is hurting and that you want to support her in recovering, but that this does not mean going along with her plan.

She is not thinking of how her decisions will impact a baby if she’s so dismissive of its relationship with her boyfriend. As well as counselling is there a family friend she can talk to ? I really think she needs a tonne of support to move on from this.

I wish you and her well

It’s good you and your husband are now in agreement.

I hope your daughter can one day understand why you don’t want a child in the house - at the moment I expect she has a rose tinted view of being a parent and in her grief can’t understand why you aren’t allowing her to stay if she conceives. I think it’s easy to underestimate how hard being a parent is until it happens. I now understand why grandparents said no to having our children one day a week while we worked - it’s exhausting!

I hope this doesn’t impact your relationship with your child.

I agree with you OP.

As angry as I would feel, I would sit her down and explain in no uncertain terms that now is the time to fly the nest, see if they can cope in the real world at 19 with bills and work and then if they still want a baby you will support them.

But they are not staying with you to do that, it’s immature, entitled and unrealistic.

She needs boundaries.

Sorry, skipped to the end, I can see you’ve done this. Good for you!

OP I think you're definitely making the right choice. It seems like she is just grieving and not thinking rationally. I understand because I had a MC at 21 and was out of my mind afterwards - I didn't have another baby until I could support one although the urge was deeply painful.

The truth is, you need to lay down real world boundaries because right now getting pregnant again is a plaster on a wound, and that won't get better when the baby's here. Because that is as real world as it gets. As hard as it is she does need to work through this trauma, not just have another baby to fix it and leave it for you to deal with.

Just wanted to add, to all the posters saying OP is heartless for not wanting her grandchild/messiness around - firstly it's not her responsibility as a grandparent, and secondly there is no grandchild!! This is a choice her daughter is making, not a situation that's already come to be. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't want young children in your house just as yours are growing up.

Good news about dh. Dd needs to understand the whole picture of how her choices affect others.

Does she pay rent? As an adult working and deciding she wants to conceive, in a house she seems to co tribute nothing to, I'd be changing that. I also wouldn't be supporting her financially- if she wants to adult and have children, then that involves being an adult. She knows she had your financial backing- nice big house, nice big room, and a dad indulging her. So either accept you'll be bringing up your grandchild in your house, or do something to stop her thinking she is the right to make big decisions without any consequences

Good for you, OP. It doesn't sound like she's given much thought to the practicalities of having a baby and the last thing you want is to end up as an exhausted grandparent carer because she has the baby, can't cope and you can't face the baby going into care.

Definitely better for her to move out sooner rather than later if she's set on having a baby. That will give her time to get used to living independently.

I’m with OP. Our daughter and now sil had a baby at 20. We helped them find a tiny 1 bedroom terrace to rent, it was horrible ! We had a lovely house, our daughter hated it. She grew up ! they both did. They both have fantastic jobs a beautiful house and lifestyle.only the one child. I found it extremely hard to watch them, but we helped out with treats along the way.
Your daughter is grieving, it’s truly awful what they’ve been through, but if she has another baby she will have years of struggling ahead of her, of course she doesn’t realise this yet, it’s your job to tell her. Get your husband on side, ASAP show a United front.Your daughter needs support from you both but not the type he’s advocating. Good luck.

@Michellebops

Regardless of her age, where's the "support" you bought into when you gave birth? Your husband has it.

She's been through a traumatic time, technically she miscarried but she birthed that baby, she's a mum without a baby to show for it. No matter the counselling that's one helluva difficult thing to just get over at any age.

You sound snobby and as if you don't care about what's happened to your daughter and want her out from under your roof with added pressure that you're disappointed in her choices in life. At least she has her dad for support!

You may have talked about downsizing with your husband years ago but plans can change.

Why on earth should OP change her plans because her adult daughter wants to have a baby?!

Good news, OP!

I think you are doing the right thing op it is her choice but she needs to be independent

Maybe she disn't want to ' progress'.

Regardless of her age, where's the "support" you bought into when you gave birth? Your husband has it

When I had children it was my husband who supported us, then both of us as I returned to work. At no point did I expect my mother to support my choice or financially pay for it.

Oh @checkyourpops you did completely the right thing there. If she wants to have a baby, she needs her own accommodation and to be financially independent. And you’ve offered to support here there. Not heartless at all, she needed that reality check. Well done!

No practical advice but you Anbu I would be devastated if this was my 19 year old. Glad dh is coming round to your point of view. Ideally counselling and persuading her to stop ttc in the meantime.

Also just as an aside working in NHS admin isn’t so bad, some of the jobs are actually very competitive to get and if she gets to top band 3 for a relatively easy life it’s only a few thousand less than the of bottom band 5 for the utter stress that NQNurses/Midwives work with. A lot of HCP agree the admin staff are a lot happier than the clinical.

@malificent7

Maybe she disn't want to ' progress'.

Then that's her own choice and it comes with drawbacks...I could choose to work part time and not progress but I couldn't then insist on having a baby in my parents' house for them to support

@malificent7

Maybe she disn't want to ' progress'.

Absolutely her choice, but she can't expect the standard of living that comes with a 'wealthier' lifestyle.

You do realise you're talking about your future grandchild here?

You come across as unbelievably cold.

Does the boyfriend know she's TTC? It seems a bit strange he initially was begging her for an abortion, but now thinks it's a great idea to make a human together.

You’ve taken the right approach. She can try for the baby if she wants to (insane, given her age, relationship and financial position) but you don’t have to facilitate it or directly or indirectly pay for it. She needs to be an adult rather than behaving like a dependent child who is having a child.

And that is not you being unsupportive or cold. That is you showing her she needs to stand on her own two feet. You’d be doing her a favour pointing this out to her now, before she gets pregnant.

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

You do realise you're talking about your future grandchild here?

You come across as unbelievably cold.

I don't agree. I think the OP is being pragmatic. She is also talking about her DD's, very probably,difficult future if she decides to go ahead. She knows her DD better than you do, and she probably anticipates that a lot of the childcare will fall upon her.

I have a DD who is a similar age to the OP's DD. I would not be overjoyed if she told me she was wanting a baby now either.

Tell her that she can’t ttc until she has her own place. She can’t financially support herself let alone a child. 19 is too young and you will end up raising your GC if she lives with you. It’s not fair on you, especially as your DH is getting ready to retire.

Present her with a breakdown of costs of living on her own (rent, utility bills, broadband, Council tax) and then another list for how much it costs to raise a child. Can she afford this? No.