Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

OP - I can understand your very real concern for your daughter, and her future prospects, and I can see that it’s very hard for you to approve of these choices. The thing is, as parents, we get to advise, but not choose. But that doesn’t mean you have to live with the consequences of her choices. It’s reasonable that she makes her own choices, but it’s also entirely reasonable that your planned future (downsizing etc) is not upended by your daughter’s choices. Good luck talking to your DH - I hope this works out for both of you

Who needs enemy's when we have parents like you @checkyourpops

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'd actually divorce over this. I do not want to live with a baby or worse, a toddler/pre-schooler, again. NOr should your son's life be disrupted by a baby.

Hahah of course you would 🙄

There are two glaring problems here:

1. Your dh. I suspect he can't bear to see your dd hurting and so is doing the typical male 'fixing'. DD has baby=dd happy. He doesn't seem to be fully aware of the following equation dd has baby=Dw very unhappy . Either that or he doesn't care - why not? How would he cope if dd ha the baby and you left them to it? Refused to babysit or take on any childcare duties, washing etc at all? Is he prepared for endlessly disrupted sleep?

1. No-one has given one single thought to this poor, potential new baby. Babies are not sticking plasters for grief. A child deserves to be wanted in their own right, the burden of easing grief is not theirs to bear. I speak from experience.

OP I am with you. There's no way I'd be wanting to live in a house with a new baby. I've done all that nonsense twice (two awesome teenagers now), I do not want to do it again. You have absolutely every right to feel that way. The word for your role is mother not martyr. I think the first thing is to deal with your dh. The second is to get your daughter out now, before she gets pregnant. If you kick her out once she's pg - you'll be the monster. If you give her a taste of her life she'll be living before she gets pg - what her wage will buy, how much rent, food, mobile phones etc cost, it will hopefully change her mind. I agree with you, 19yrs old, is not the right age to intentionally get pregnant.

I wish you heaps of luck, this is an awful situation and you have my sympathy.

As someone who had a baby at 19 I think your daughter is being ridiculous. Not for wanting a baby-I understand the urge following a loss. But for wanting to do it at home. I had my own place when my DD was born and did the child rearing myself-my child my responsibility.
Said DD is now almost 17 and has been told firmly that babies are a choice she makes, but she won’t be living at home. I’ll be doing all I can to find her a nice little flat somewhere if that’s what she wants.

I can't believe anyone thinks you're U for not wanting to raise small kids again, which is what will happen. Of course if you're there you'll end up bathing, feeding, helping through the night. You're past that stage of your life and you don't want to go back, that's perfectly fine.

She absolutely needs to move out and plan this with the father and not with her parents.

This would be a new kind of hell for me, and a big fat no. I live in a four bedroom house, alone since DW passed away in July, and very lonely but this wouldn't be happening in my house either..I too am approaching retirement and wouldn't want a baby living in my house.

You sound very controlling and mean.

Forget I can't believe she's doing this to her and us. I can't believe you behaved the way you did as her mother. Let's hope she'll be more supportive to her children than you are.

@faithfulbird20 what is selfish about not wanting to live with your child's baby.? About turning your whole life and future plans upside down because your dd is trying to get pregnant far too young because she thinks it will fix her grief. Being a parent doesn't mean you have to approve of everything your dc do. It doesn't mean watching them make an enormous mistake and saying nothing. You have ONE life. You make plans for that life, not wanting to tear up all your plans and dreams because an immature teenager with no virtually no life experience decides their wants are more important than the life you have been planning is not mean or controlling

There is nothing wrong with the job she has chosen to do, not everyone is ambitious and wants to "progress". She's an adult, if she wants to have a baby then that is her and her partner's choice, nothing to do with you.

However, if she is adult enough to raise a child, then she is old enough to move out and do it in her own place. Wanting to have a baby but stay home with Mummy and Daddy and have all the comforts of home is entitled. It's fair enough if a baby comes along by accident and there is no partner, but this case is different. It really sounds as though she is living in fairyland and I would question if she is mature enough for motherhood - I think she needs a few home truths pointed out to her.

I think a lot of people are sticking up for the daughter because OP does sound rather mean and uncaring in her posts. Talking about her “perfect” house and her cruises. There’s still an 11 yr old at home, so OP must be what, early 50’s at most? Hardly “near retirement”. It’s another 7 years at least until the youngest flies the nest and surely the DD would have her own place by then also?

I do have some sympathy with the OP. I wouldn’t want to go back to the baby stage in my home either. But she comes across badly. I do agree that the DH has equal say in what happens. It’s his home too. And to say he’d leave all the work to OP when he’s been a hands on dad is a bit sexist. It sounds like OP wants to bully him into submission, it’s her way or no way.

In general I think some parents set themselves up for disappointment by assuming they can wash their hands of their DC once they hit 18. Life isn’t like it used to be. Many young people still need to live at home well into their 20s, rising housing costs, lack of employment opportunities etc. I mean of course you can kick them out but I don’t think much of someone who does.

I don’t see this situation panning out well. If the DD wants to get pregnant OP can’t stop her. Then what? Her and the DH are at cross purposes because OP will want to kick her out and DH will say no. Or he gives in and neither of them have much of a relationship with the DD from then on. We can all give our viewpoints on the situation but it’s not one with a clear answer.

The things that stand out for me from what you have said are:

1. Your DD lives at home, pays no rent but has no savings. Granted you say she is on a low salary but that to me shows immaturity

2 last time she was pregnant her boyfriends mum was calling you begging you to persuade DD to abort. Is your DD prepared to be a single parent? How will she feel if a new pregnancy leads to the end of her relationship? I completely understand that she is grieving and she has suffered a horrible loss but she really doesn’t seem to be thinking of the impact on this potential child of this decision. Is having another child the only/best way of dealing with her grief? Or is it just replacing one problem with another set of problems. And is it fair on the child, never mind everyone else who is going to be impacted.

And what if she suffers another loss??

She needs to focus on her mental health and getting herself to a good place where she is capable of dealing with whatever lies ahead for her in every way, not just financially but emotionally as well.
In your shoes I’d be having a big chat with DH. Talk through all the possible outcomes. The only persons happiness he seems to be considering is his. Not even your DDs because she lacks the maturity to really understand the ramifications of this decision.

I already thought you were being unreasonable OP until I read that paragraph about ‘lowly NHS admin’ - that’s exactly what I do, cheers for that

Think of it another way: if she has a baby at 20 by the time she’s 40 the baby will be an adult and she can get her life back. Plenty of time to start a new career and finally impress her lovely mother.

I personally downgraded my role to take a lower paid job to fit around childcare needs which is why I’m currently working in such a low paid, dead end job. You might see me as a peasant with no career aspirations but I see myself as someone with a good work/life balance (when I’m not run ragged in my actual job) Working four days means I get a little bit more time to spend with my child.

Your husband is supportive. Maybe you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you’re so negative about your daughter wanting to be a parent? Is it something about your own failings as a mother?

I'm a DGM and babies grow fast. So the exhausting baby is soon a small child with character, then they're off to nursery.
It's not a lifelong problem unless you decide to take it on.
Perhaps it's the big gap between DD and DS that makes you so against having a baby in the house.
If DH retires perhaps he hopes to help raise it.
Are you the one who singlehandedly runs the home/ cooks cleans shops for the household - in that case this will be more work but it doesn't sound like this is the case.
Who pays for the food and bills?
If you work full time you won't see that much of the baby.
I would start saving hard for your own retirement so you can have the one you want. If DH wants a different one, where he provides for/ lives with DGCs, so be it, his choice.

@checkyourpops

I'm really sorry for any offensive I've caused, regarding nhs admin. Reality is it isn't well paid at all, and she's part time but has no reason not to be FT? It's just not really a job you hope for your DC, is it? She had so many good results from A Level, I was shocked when she announced she'd be working admin at our local hospital

Why? Why would you not want this for your dd? She's 19 in a secure, steady job. She's switched on enough to know what suits her as well. She's doing a lot 'better' than a lot of people at her age yet you are being so critical, it's honestly sad to read. She might move on and do something different at some point chances are she probably will but why project your personal wishes onto her? Just be happy and supportive of the daughter you have. The ttc is a whole different issue but I do think you have to work on how you feel about your daughter.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'd actually divorce over this. I do not want to live with a baby or worse, a toddler/pre-schooler, again. NOr should your son's life be disrupted by a baby.

How ridiculous.

Maybe her Dad has an understanding of the trauma, the grief she is feeling and said he'll support her.

She is 19, not a child, if she wants to have a baby, she is perfectly entitled to do so.

OP, for what it's worth. I never went to uni, I worked admin roles until I was 24 and then went to another admin company where I have worked since and I am now on £38k. My parents supported my choice of how I lived, they didn't see me as a failure because I worked for the NHS Admin (I actually did) and never judged me for not wanting to go to university, it was my choice.

What will you do if she becomes pregnant? Give her a hard time? Lock the front door after chucking her out? I don't understand. The girl and her partner have suffered enough.

Whilst I understand that you want her moved out and fully independent before she's pregnant, you also show how much disappointment you feel in her and if we can feel it on here, you can bet your life she knows it.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Maybe you should try getting her one of those 'Real care' babies that they use in education, then perhaps when she sees how hard it is to get up in the night, and all the other stuff connected to actually having her own baby, she might think again.

I definitely think your OH is out of order, although to be honest, your daughter sounds like she's a born homemaker, in view of doing chores etc., without being asked, so maybe she's meant to be a Mum at an early age, but I do agree that they need to get, and pay for, a roof over their heads, rather than relying on you to supply it. I think I would also tell her that your days of waking up hearing a baby cry are well and truly over, and you really don't want to go back to it, although when she does have a child, naturally you'll be more than happy to perform grandmotherly duties.

That is a completely ridiculous suggestion for someone who had lost a baby at 20 weeks! She's not a little girl. It's cruel, insensitive and patronising.

Op there's a few things that if I were you I'd want to know.

Does her boyfriend know she is trying?
Why didn't your dh speak to you once he knew?

Do they think your not wanting her to move out first is just to try and stop her ttc as I assume you didn't tell her to leave last time?
What are her plans for childcare when she goes back to work?
What is her financial plan for looking after the baby?
Does she understand she will not have a live in nanny?

You need to speak to dh about your future plans for retirement etc and how they will be affected.

OP im with you I think the situation is ridiculous. I was broody and loved the idea of homemaking when I was 19 but there's no way my parents would have supported me staying at home with a baby. In fact they would have gone ape! Im suprised how accepting everyone on here is being of the plan. Raising a child is incredibly hard and your dd and her bf arent in a position to do so. I had my first relatively young at 25 but by then I'd got married and was renting a flat. My parents were completely anti giving me financial support as a teen even though they were well off. Your dd is being really unrealistic to have the baby at yours. Hows the dad going to raise the baby as well and be like normal parents? They need their own place. Talk to your DH from the perspective that its not in the families best interest to allow this and your dds bf should be providing for them- not you and really they should be married as well. I know dd is going through grief but the pregnancy should not have happened in the first place. 19s too young for a baby unless you have exceptional circumstances and are completely self sufficient at that age. Maybe have a chat with the boyfriends mum and try and help them both get their own place somehow. Could your dh be on board with that? Although your dd could still end up as a single mum living in a flat in that scenario. Could you try and convince your dd she needs to he married and independent first ?

The replies here are quite odd. What happened to getting married, buying a house and having a baby, in that order? That's what I would want for my DCs.

Who is going to pay for this baby and the nursery place to enable the mother to go back to work? Min wage won't cover nursery fees. Or is she intending to become a SAHM? At which point who is paying for her and baby?

It's all a bit weird tbh.

I can’t imagine being angry in any way at my daughter if this was her. I can only see how sad I would feel for her to think this is the only way to overcome her loss and that she’d felt she had to hide it from me. I would be talking to her at length about her options and supporting her decision while encouraging her to look ahead and consider all possible outcomes. I wouldn’t have a problem with her living at home.

I had my daughter at 19, my mum had me at 18, my grandmother had her first at 18. We’re a family of young mums. I don’t see anything wrong with that if it’s right for the person.

OP isn’t unreasonable to want her daughter to move out before having a baby but the way OP writing is so disrespectful to her daughter that I’m not surprised the daughter isn’t respecting OP enough to discuss moving out and her plans around conception.

Regardless of her age, where's the "support" you bought into when you gave birth? Your husband has it.

She's been through a traumatic time, technically she miscarried but she birthed that baby, she's a mum without a baby to show for it. No matter the counselling that's one helluva difficult thing to just get over at any age.

You sound snobby and as if you don't care about what's happened to your daughter and want her out from under your roof with added pressure that you're disappointed in her choices in life. At least she has her dad for support!

You may have talked about downsizing with your husband years ago but plans can change.

You may have talked about downsizing with your husband years ago but plans can change.

This is our future that we've worked hard for. So no, plans can't change

I find it completely bizarre that so many on here are advocating for a 19yo unmarried woman to try for a baby when she is not financially independent.

I can understand she is traumatised and her wanting to TTC is completely normal. But she cannot just decide to have a baby and stay living a cushy life with her parents.

FWIW I'm 30 years old and a single mum, I oay an extortionate amount of rent for for 2 bed flat for me and my son (£1k+ a month) with no benefits, two minutes down the road from my parents who have two spare rooms. I could move back in with them and be completely debt free within six months, and have enough for a deposit on a mortgage within a few years. But my parents are in their 50s and past the 'raising kids' stage of their lives so I would never ever even suggest moving home because it is incredibly unfair on them.

Out of interest OP, what was the plan for her living arrangements when pregnant? If the intention was for her to stay home I can see why she would jump to the same conclusion this time round and it might need a more sensitive conversation