Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@VodselForDinner

The daughters baby died and you're comparing this to her wanting a puppy?

I’m not sure if your comprehension skills are exceptionally poor, or if you’re just being obtuse, but no, that wasn’t the comparison I made.

There are a lot of people being very disingenuous on this thread. I very much doubt that many posters would be thrilled to have their single, 19 year old, under-employed daughter TTC while living at home.

I haven't seen a single poster say they'd be thrilled. I think you are being a bit economical with the truth, aren't you?

Most people agree the situation is far from ideal, and many have said quite clearly they sympathise with the OP.

@stackemhigh

Of course it isn't unreasonable to be concerned if you think your child is wasting an opportunity. But that is very different from deciding that being an NHS admin is a poor sort of job - it may not be what the OP wants, but it is perfectly respectable.

But we don’t know what kind of a role it is, it could be a temporary role with no security and no career progression.

Of course it could. But she is 19, so many jobs will be like this.

@stayathomer

If she didn’t know she was pregnant and was with a scallywag with no hope of supporting each other let alone a baby then yes… She had a baby growing inside her and had dreams the way we all do, nothing to do with the father or her circumstances, she had decided she was happy/ready to be a mother (like all of us whether married or not, 100%ready or not(and who is?))

Not someone at 19 still living at home witj manny and daddy that’s for sure!!

That’s what this whole is about, OP doesn’t think she’s ready and the fact she’s so young, living at home illustrates this perfectly.

I presume she would have been living at home had her first baby survived?

Yes this is a good question. OP while she was pregnant, what was discussed about where she would live with the baby? If she was going to be allowed to live with you with that baby then it’s not at all entitled of her to assume you’d be happy for her to live there with a future rainbow baby.

I don't think anyone is really advocating supporting a 19 year old in ttc. I think because ops DD lost a child it's inevitable that she will ttc as she probably feels like that's the only way she'll ever feel happy again.
Op needs to find a middle ground whereby her daughter feels supported emotionally but is supporting herself financially.

I'm with you OP. Tough love time.

My ILs supported BIL until he was about 38. He still lives with them now between jobs. The thing that made all the difference was MIL pulling the plug on the business she was supporting. She bankrolled it and did the business/ finance side. He took her for granted. Got to run his hobby business, living with his parents in his own separate flat, moved in girlfriends, his parents paid bills and took them on holiday. It was ridiculous. He never did get the hobby business off the ground and have the career they thought they were kick starting for him. He had it too easy. Since they stopped supporting him he finally sorted himself out.

This applies to you. You will have to hurt her eventually, or support her for life. Stop support now whilst she is younger. Preferably before she gets pregnant.

I totally agree with you OP.

You have every right to live the life you want OP including smaller house, holidays and cruises. Every right. This is not selfish.

Your DD is not mature enough to have a child and I agree she has a massive sense of entitlement if she expects to stay at home.

I hope that your DH comes round.

It’s also not fair on your DS.

@TatianaBis

But that is very different from deciding that being an NHS admin is a poor sort of job - it may not be what the OP wants, but it is perfectly respectable.

Respectable. Ha. Yeah that’s the measure of a good job.

A good job for a 19 year old is one that will give training and prospects and room to progress. There are plenty of companies that offer that for young people who eschew university.

NHS admin is absolutely fine for a job while you’re at uni.

Well, yes, when you're 19 and recovering from a very sad experience, I would say a respectable job is a very good thing to have. It will do her no harm, and she can take some time to grieve, which she clearly needs to do. There's no need to be rude about the job.

@ClareBlue

Maybe agree that she can only stay until the baby is able to crawl. Then at least there will be no damage to fixtures and fittings. Sound proof the bedroom so you will not hear any baby cries. Agree you will only have 90 mins contact time with the baby every two weeks and this has to be at a neutral venue. Work out a market rent for your daughter to teach her life lessons. Include a division of bills in this. But really, really, important. Get your husband to some obedience classes as his obvious love for his daughter is impacting on his ability to get with the program, and this really isn't on.

Loving your child doesn’t mean agreeing to their every wish, especially when it puts a strain on the rest of the family.

You’re suggesting that OP be obedient to her husband and daughter which is ridiculous. The person who doesn’t want a baby in the house, when nearing retirement age, needs to be heard.

But that is very different from deciding that being an NHS admin is a poor sort of job -it
may not be what the OP wants, but it is
perfectly respectable.

Of course it is, but is it so wrong for the OP to hope for her perfectly capable daughter to find a job that will fund (or at least have the opportunity to fund) a life outside living in her parents house? To buy / rent her own home? To drive and own a car? To travel?

From what the OP has described her DD has no plans to work her way up the ladder. She is perfectly happy working 4 days per week for a low wage, and living at home.

@sst1234
I assure you I'm not offended, and don't have a job half as prestigious as working for the NHS. Considering the last 24 months, I find OP to be incredibly tone deaf and down right stuck up.

It's more a case of impossible parents who will no doubt be wondering 10 years from now why their children don't want anything to do with them.
The 19 year old is supposedly the irresponsible one here and yet the OP and her husband can't even get on the same page as to their daughters future? This is why she's here asking strangers instead of talking with her family. Maybe that would be too uncouth.

Look around here, there's plenty of threads to choose from, and if OP didn't want honest opinions then she should have gone ahead and done what she wanted.

Her and the husband are the ones navigating through this, why the fuck should she care what others opinions are. She's only really bothered about the ones that agree with her anyway, so who cares?

@katy1213

Can you get the boyfriend's parents on board? Because if they also make it abundantly clear that they have no intention of supporting a baby, the reality might begin to dawn.

The bf parents wanted the last baby aborted

@SarahAndQuack

Not being rude about the job. Just realistic and practical.

@TatianaBis

But that is very different from deciding that being an NHS admin is a poor sort of job - it may not be what the OP wants, but it is perfectly respectable.

Respectable. Ha. Yeah that’s the measure of a good job.

A good job for a 19 year old is one that will give training and prospects and room to progress. There are plenty of companies that offer that for young people who eschew university.

NHS admin is absolutely fine for a job while you’re at uni.

The NHS can do all of that. I used to work in the NHS, I worked with a director on a six figure salary who started out as a porter.

@minipie

I presume she would have been living at home had her first baby survived?

Yes this is a good question. OP while she was pregnant, what was discussed about where she would live with the baby? If she was going to be allowed to live with you with that baby then it’s not at all entitled of her to assume you’d be happy for her to live there with a future rainbow baby.

Of course it’s entitled. You can’t decide to have a baby and raise it in your parents’ house just because they were willing to support you with an unplanned baby. Calking it a rainbow baby doesn’t make you less entitled, the dd needs to be making these plans with her boyfriend, not her parents.

You need to look at your attitude. You have the same sense of entitlement that just manifests differently.
You have decided that her job is not proper, her emotions aren’t real, her relationship isn’t suitable, and she is ruining her life.
Just take a look at yourself. Before it’s too late.

NHS admin is absolutely fine for a job while you’re at uni.

It's fine for anybody at any time of life. Unless they're a snob of course 🙄

[quote TatianaBis]@SarahAndQuack

Not being rude about the job. Just realistic and practical.[/quote]
You're not, though, are you? Please do share with us what you know about NHS admin jobs?

@Planty13

Please be more supportive. You don’t need to tell her you’re crossing your fingers for a baby. Just tell her you love her and will support her. Emotions are all over the place after a miscarriage and she is likely in pain and wanting to see through something she never saw coming but grew to love/hope for. She will need her parents support even if you do not agree with her choices.

No. Not in this instance. Why should the OP be saddled with a baby in her home when it’s not her choice.

If her DD wants a baby she can move out and provide for it herself

You can’t decide to have a baby and raise it in your parents’ house just because they were willing to support you with an unplanned baby

Well I can see why a 19 year old would assume that if her parents were happy to support and house her with an unplanned baby, they’d be happy to do the same with a planned baby. After all, the practical impacts on the parents are exactly the same.

@Joeblack066

You need to look at your attitude. You have the same sense of entitlement that just manifests differently. You have decided that her job is not proper, her emotions aren’t real, her relationship isn’t suitable, and she is ruining her life. Just take a look at yourself. Before it’s too late.

OP hasn’t stopped her dd doing her job or chucked her out so how is she entitled?

My daughter had a baby at 19. A shock at first but she moved out with the lad and have a nice place now and a 4 year old. Much as I love my GC, I would not want them living with me in my little house 'sans' BFriend. It just makes them single parents living apart. Not good. Also my daughter would have used me for childcare whether I wanted it or not!!

@stackemhigh but you are suggesting that the father and daughter bend to the will of the mother.
There is still a 11 year old in the house so it's not bye bye kids for a while anyway.
The daughter doesn't have to be in the house for ever. She and bf can set up house together anytime. Why not in a year or two when she is obviously traumatized in the sanctuary of the family home, with or without a baby.