You shouldn't smoke over a baby

[spanielstail]

I saw a woman today with a tiny new born in a pram with no sunshade over it in scorching sun whilst she stood over it smoking a cigarette.

She saw my disgusted look and I didn't feel the tiniest bit bad for it. I know on one hand it's none of my business but I fought so hard to have children. I went through so much IVF and Heartbreak and to think other people have children that they don't care if they are harming just really affects me.

I don't think smoking around children should be legal. That baby will have breathed in second hand smoke whilst she puffed away and then again later off her clothes. The sun was so hot today was well on his delicate skin.

For all you know that lady could have been up all night with her baby, maybe had a death in the family, bad news about her job etc and she just wanted to have a quick puff outside in the air and have one quiet moment. It was absolutely NONE of your business and you may have made her feel even more shit.

Quite frankly, I don't care.

Would I judge? Sure I would.

Yes, I would judge too. I do not judge do someone who’s had an abortion just because I had fertility treatment. I have no right to do that and I didn’t when it involved a friend of mine. I was there for her yo talk to when another friend rejected her because if her decision. But I sure do have the right to judge a parent who has a baby in the sun without a sunshade on and who is smoking. I’m a coward - I’ll admit giving dirty looks when I should be saying do you realise your baby is in a state because the sun is far too bright - turn your pram round. We’re all too scared of saying something now and so kids are harmed by idiotic behaviour by parents.

@MissMaple82

And I actually think going through IVF gives you more right to judge other parents. It's a natural reaction when you've fought so hard for something others clearly take for granted.

Aw come on! Going through IVF definitely doesn't give you more right to judge parents.

@MissMaple82 ‘fighting hard’ to have children cab take many more forms than just IVF.

But none of them give you the right to look down on parents who have what you perceive to have been an easier ride.

I once saw a couple plonk their newborn in the car seat on the floor of the smoking shelter outside the hospital and both lit up. I’ll also never forget the Mum opposite me on the maternity ward who kept leaving her baby alone so she could go out for a fag.

I judge it too, I think it’s fair to judge parents who do this.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Why does it always have to be being either/ or?

Because one thing won't help at all and one might help.

You’re judging me for hurting an adult’s feelings.
I’m judging someone for physically harming a newborn.

No, I'm judging you for making out being nasty to strangers is in anyway helping/protecting/caring about children.

If you care about children do something that won't possibly make it worse. Research has shown time and time again that shame makes addictions worse. Just admit you want to be able to be nasty to people and feel good about it. If you wanted better for a child you wouldn't do something that risks their situation becoming worse, no matter how small it may be.

Where do I draw the line? I've never known a situation where my disgust protected anyone else. Unless it moves me to make an action, in which case it's the action that helped not my disgust. You see, I think your disgust might make a parent smoke more. Instead of being disgusted by you I've called it out and let you know it's not helping the child. By all means, crack on with the dirty looks but don't pretend you're doing any good with it. It's for you and your ego.

The pandering you talk of isn't to protect the adult, it's to protect the child who lives at that adults mercy. If you're not going to step in, then it's best to not add negativity that will probably be directed in one way or another to the child.

@WrongWayApricot

I’m sorry but I disagree.

You feel it’s perfectly acceptable to judge and lecture me for being judgemental of an adult who is harming their child. Why does your empathy towards the woman smoking on her child outweigh your empathy for me or the OP being disgusted by it?

I find it much worse that the woman is harming her child which you feel she shouldn’t be judged for.

Pretending neglect of children is fine or ignoring it will not make it better.

No one is saying she should quit smoking. This is not about the addiction itself, it’s about her attitude to caring for her child which everyone is disgusted by. She was smoking on her child.

It's hardly judgy, you don't smoke around children full stop!

Fuck all that "you can't judge" bollocks. It should be illegal to smoke around children.

A family member of mine smoked during pregnancy (loads) and in the house throughout her children's childhoods. Coincidentally she's a shit mum in other ways too. I worry about her kids a lot.

You sound stressed, op. Have a fag.

@garbagetruck

You sound stressed, op. Have a fag.

@Tomatobear

Fuck all that "you can't judge" bollocks. It should be illegal to smoke around children.

A family member of mine smoked during pregnancy (loads) and in the house throughout her children's childhoods. Coincidentally she's a shit mum in other ways too. I worry about her kids a lot.

Yes true. Smoking in pregnancy / around a baby is often a symptom of rubbish parenting and probably low IQ too. My old boss did this because her mum did and beat the kids because her mum did and fed them processed shit because you guessed it her mum did - the kids were constantly unwell. The best thing that happened to them was when her ex finally got full custody of them.

Some of the responses on here go some way to explaining why there's always people on the "NC from parent" threads talking about how nobody is perfect and mums have a hard time and you should never cut them off etc. etc. etc.

Child of mum who smoked during pregnancy and when I was a newborn, here. Problems with my lungs throughout my life. My parents were also addicted to alcohol, and no, I do not feel like #beingkind towards them.

(Not saying that everyone parent who smokes around their child is abusive, but agree that it's not indicative of good priorities. Yes, it's an addiction, but you chose to bring the baby into the situation - it didn't choose to be there. If you're owned by your addiction and can't or won't work to overcome it, don't bring another person into it.)

(Also infertile, so have some sympathy with @spanielstail. Still trying to wrap my head around how it could've been possible for my abusive parents to have children, but me - don't smoke, don't drink, have had years of therapy to overcome my own issues and now a successful functioning adult - can't do it. It messes with your head in ways that it's hard to understand unless you've been there.)

Completely agree. I saw two woman at the park yesterday smoking next to one of their newborns. Didn't hide my disgusted look.

Everyone making excuses for them is just as bad. They don't have to smoke over the pram ffs, if they need a fag that badly they could at least do if away from the baby

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@WrongWayApricot

I’m sorry but I disagree.

You feel it’s perfectly acceptable to judge and lecture me for being judgemental of an adult who is harming their child. Why does your empathy towards the woman smoking on her child outweigh your empathy for me or the OP being disgusted by it?

I find it much worse that the woman is harming her child which you feel she shouldn’t be judged for.

Pretending neglect of children is fine or ignoring it will not make it better.

No one is saying she should quit smoking. This is not about the addiction itself, it’s about her attitude to caring for her child which everyone is disgusted by. She was smoking on her child.[/quote]
My empathy is with the baby, not you, not the parent, not the OP. I've explained why. It's fine that you disagree. I'm not pretending neglect is fine.

YANBU at all OP

It's utterly grim smoking over/around a newborn

And I totally & utterly judge that

No apologies or shame for thinking that way

Smoking is vile- adults are welcome to go and smoke where permitted, but exposing a young baby to it is just grim

@WrongWayApricot said it better than I could. Slinging dirty looks around does nothing to help the baby.

@WrongWayApricot
It’s interesting that you believe your judgement of OP (and those who agree with her) is superior and more justified than her judgement of an adult breathing smoke onto their newborn.

Yeh I feel the same, I was in a theme park earlier and saw a beautiful tiny baby girl, I'm guessing she was a preemie- she looked like a doll, and she had either a feeding or oxygen tube so obviously not without health issues, and her dad was stood over her buggy smoking. I just thought "you fucking arsehole".

@Meatshake

Yeh I feel the same, I was in a theme park earlier and saw a beautiful tiny baby girl, I'm guessing she was a preemie- she looked like a doll, and she had either a feeding or oxygen tube so obviously not without health issues, and her dad was stood over her buggy smoking. I just thought "you fucking arsehole".

That's so sad