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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You shouldn't smoke over a baby

172 replies

spanielstail · 09/06/2021 17:32

I saw a woman today with a tiny new born in a pram with no sunshade over it in scorching sun whilst she stood over it smoking a cigarette.

She saw my disgusted look and I didn't feel the tiniest bit bad for it. I know on one hand it's none of my business but I fought so hard to have children. I went through so much IVF and Heartbreak and to think other people have children that they don't care if they are harming just really affects me.

I don't think smoking around children should be legal. That baby will have breathed in second hand smoke whilst she puffed away and then again later off her clothes. The sun was so hot today was well on his delicate skin. Sad

OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/06/2021 18:34

Maybe she has 3 fags a day, down from 40. Maybe she's wirked really hard to give up crack and realises that fags are slightly less harmful. You dont know her so MYOB.

Moonshine11 · 09/06/2021 18:35

Of course baby should of been shielded from both the sun and smoke, but I think to give dirty looks is another thing. Just walk on.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 09/06/2021 18:35

@SuperCaliFragalistic

Maybe she has 3 fags a day, down from 40. Maybe she's wirked really hard to give up crack and realises that fags are slightly less harmful. You dont know her so MYOB.
You've missed the point
BlueDucky · 09/06/2021 18:35

I agree smoking over a newborn and keeping them in the sun is not ideal. But life is hard enough without being given judgey stares.

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/06/2021 18:38

I’m struggling to see how staying up all night and receiving bad news, drives a mother to park her baby in direct sunlight and puff all over it.

A coffee and a good cry worked better for me.

BelleBlueBell · 09/06/2021 18:40

@Twistered

For all you know that lady could have been up all night with her baby, maybe had a death in the family, bad news about her job etc and she just wanted to have a quick puff outside in the air and have one quiet moment. It was absolutely NONE of your business and you may have made her feel even more shit. How do you know her child wasn't from IVF?

But yeah you've had nightmare IVF so go on ahead throw dirty looks and be judgy. Why not. You've earned it apparently

Even if all of this was the case there is no justification in the world for not moving away from the pram or turning in the other direction so the smoke doesn't go on the baby

Does you back hurt from the ridiculous contortions to try and find excuses for the inexcusable

ChangePart1 · 09/06/2021 18:40

It’s appalling behaviour, but giving disgusted looks isn’t going to reduce her smoking around her baby, all it’s gonna do is make her feel shit. So YABU.

You’re not wrong to judge. It’s common to say that people shouldn’t judge when in reality we all judge constantly, that’s human nature. I judge when I see someone smoking while with their children. I judge when I see someone use physical punishment on their child. I judge when I see people screaming profanities at their toddlers. But as an adult you are more than capable of managing your own facial expressions and not staring at someone and looking appalled when you come across behaviour you don’t agree with. So YABU.

Ickythefirebobby · 09/06/2021 18:42

@Twistered

Sorry op I'm actually not usually as harsh to posters but I just feel really sorry for that mum. She must have felt like shit when she saw you were judging her. I agree smoking round children is not on. .. but it was outside and as I say maybe she just needed that one moment. None of us know what is going on behind the scenes for anyone so give her a break is what I'm trying to say but I've got my knickers in a whole twist over the judgyness but I totally see why you weren't happy with what you were seeing
She should have felt really shit. It’s a shitty thing to do to a baby. Whatever the mother may be going through is totally irrelevant. There can never be any excuse for smoking over a baby.

I remember regularly seeing heavily pregnant women stood outside the maternity unit having a fag. It’s disgusting and selfish behaviour.

Hallyup6 · 09/06/2021 18:43

I show no shame in judging others for their shitty decisions. I lost my baby boy a few years ago due to placental issues that weren't caused by smoking in my case, but smoking could cause almost identical issues. One day, I drove past another mother who I knew from school, who was due around the same time as me, also with a little boy, and she was puffing away. I wanted to slap some bloody sense into her.

I also couldn't help making a comment out loud recently as I walked past someone with a baby who was just about toddling. It was early evening and freezing, but this poor baby was in a sleeveless top with just pants covering her nappy. The mother had a jumper on. It made me so cross.

It's fine to be an idiot but don't let your decisions affect an innocent child.

BlueDucky · 09/06/2021 18:46

@OlympicProcrastinator

I’m struggling to see how staying up all night and receiving bad news, drives a mother to park her baby in direct sunlight and puff all over it.

A coffee and a good cry worked better for me.

She might not be thinking straight.
StevieKnickerbockerglory · 09/06/2021 18:47

I agree with you re the smoking over a baby. Who does that?

But you having IVF, sad as that must have been for you, has nothing to do with that woman and her baby. The two things are totally separate and you have no idea what's going on in their lives.

Also, re making it illegal to smoke near a baby...how far do you propose that is taken? Will there be a specified distance? What if someone is smoking and someone enters the same space with their baby? Who has to leave or does the smoker have to put out their cig immediately?

I'm not a smoker btw, but I think you're being U.

GingerBeverage · 09/06/2021 18:47

I worked with a guy whose toddler kept having to be admitted to hospital for nebuliser. His lungs were weak. Yes, colleague was a constant smoker, even arguing with management that he was entitled to 10min smoke break every hour.
I sometimes wonder how the child has grown up. This was years ago.

BlueDucky · 09/06/2021 18:48

I also couldn't help making a comment out loud recently as I walked past someone with a baby who was just about toddling. It was early evening and freezing, but this poor baby was in a sleeveless top with just pants covering her nappy. The mother had a jumper on. It made me so cross.

A kind well meaning comment fine, a snappy judgey comment could make the mother feel terrible and affect her confidence.

Greenmarmalade · 09/06/2021 18:49

Judging neglect is ok. It’s not being overly ‘judgy.’

Imapotato · 09/06/2021 18:49

I do struggle to believe that the mother was actually smoking over the baby, ie. blowing smoke in its face. More likely she was having a fag while pushing the pram and blowing the smoke in the other direction. There aren’t many people who would blow smoke directly at a baby.

BlueDucky · 09/06/2021 18:50

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Couchbettato · 09/06/2021 18:52

Tbh I think smoking around any one else is fucking disgusting.

Don't see why any one else should have to deal with the harmfulness of smoking just because some people can't wait till they're home in their own space.

And especially around children, who can't consent to being there, and can't exactly get out of the way either.

I would judge that person too OP

user00002 · 09/06/2021 18:54

I hate seeing people who are pushing prams and smoking, it is so grim and the effects of second hand smoke are well documented now.

I dont think you are unreasonable to judge at all - if someone is smoking near me I move out of the way, babies/young children dont have that choice. it's a horrible habit.

21Flora · 09/06/2021 18:55

I honestly couldn’t think of one situation where smoking over a baby would be appropriate. She’s actively harming her baby who is unable to move out of the way. I think it’s gross and I don’t know how people can defend behaviour like this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2021 18:56

Judge away. My neighbours used to when the teenage mums I housed would smoke outside with their babies in tow. The neighbours didn't know the mums had come from street homelessness, sex work. Abusive homes and relationships, drugs. And given it all up to have their baby in a better situation. No family support, no partner.

I used to tell them to smile sweetly and think, "I've struggled more for my child than you will ever know"

DeeleysMum · 09/06/2021 18:57

YANBU. I hate people smoking in cars with kids in the back. Seriously, if you cant wait till you get out then you have issues if your need is greater than the health of your child.

gottakeeponmovin · 09/06/2021 19:03

It's nothing to do with you. I'm sure you are not perfect. Focus on improving yourself not judging others

user00002 · 09/06/2021 19:04

@MrsTerryPratchett the problem with that comparison, whilst it is admirable to leave such circumstances (my mum experienced similar at the hands of my brothers violent drug taking dad) it shouldnt really be an either or situation.

I know someone who has 2 young children, smoked and heavily drank throughout both pregnancies, for no other reason other than "she could do what she wanted". yes she could - but its naive to imagine people will not judge when they see it.

ChangePart1 · 09/06/2021 19:04

@MrsTerryPratchett

Judge away. My neighbours used to when the teenage mums I housed would smoke outside with their babies in tow. The neighbours didn't know the mums had come from street homelessness, sex work. Abusive homes and relationships, drugs. And given it all up to have their baby in a better situation. No family support, no partner.

I used to tell them to smile sweetly and think, "I've struggled more for my child than you will ever know"

Gave it all up to have their baby in a better situation, but directly harmed their baby on a daily basis?

Why on earth wouldn’t those neighbours judge, whether they knew the background of those girls or not? The behaviour doesn’t become more acceptable just because the baby could have had it even worse.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 09/06/2021 19:04

It's and absolutely adisgusting thing to do, I'd do more than give a dirty look, I'd tell her. Those saying OP judging is bad, really?! As bad as what the woman was doing to the baby?!

What kind of people think that's ok?! 🙄