'Joke' or HR matter?

[MapleSyrupMoose]

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

He’s an idiot. I’d tell him it’s completely inappropriate and keep the message. If he does it again, report him

How is it funny though? In what way is it a joke?

Depends what you want to happen if you want him disciplined and possibly dismissed ( gross miss conduct sexual harassment ) HR. Theres no 1/2 measures if you make it official it will be out of your hands .

Or just tell him direct you were offended

I'd speak to him and tell him Yeah, I didn't find it funny. It was inappropriate and if you come out with anything like that again then I would take it further. You need to wise up a bit, mate, about what you should and shouldn't say to colleagues before you fuck your entire career.

I wouldn't go straight off to HR. But I'd make it clear that I would do in the future - and that he was lucky that he was getting the chance to NOT fuck up again.

I'm 56 and take little shit off men, if that's relevant. But neither do I bleat off to HR or line managers without actually addressing the issue myself.

It isn’t her fault if he’s disciplined or dismissed. He shouldn’t sexually harass colleagues. That’s his fault, he should suffer the consequences of his actions. It’s not for her to protect him from his own behaviour by keeping it to herself.

I can't believe the people excusing and minimising this. And the ones telling OP to take it as a compliment have lost the plot.

He basically told OP she could make money being a prostitute.

In what world is that ok?

Can you not see how deeply misogynistic it is? He's undermining her professionally and personally.

Maybe he doesn't understand the ramifications but it's not OP's job to teach him or make his life easier.

He needs to learn from this.

Talk to your line manager and get their advice if they're approachable.
Screenshot the messages.

@EloquentlyBrash

It was a jokey dark humoured compliment. You’re obviously attractive to him, for him to think you could sell photos. I personally wouldn’t report but if it’s made you uncomfortable tell him.

So what if she's attractive to him? Men like that just show a different kind of disrespect to unattractive women. Is she supposed to be grateful he thinks she's attractive? This man will have made snide comments about overweight women/older women/ plainer women.

What bugs me most about these crappy comments is the inference that you should be flattered that a creepy man thinks your best service to the world is nude photos. Grrrrrrrr.

• Report it to HR, it is completely inappropriate and evidences a mysoginistic mindset, You aren't a sex-object, you are a professional woman and you should never have to put up with shite like this from anyone.

• block him on all social media and mobile phone. Let HR know this, and clarify that you will only communicate with him via official corporate channels, as he clearly hasn't got a clue about professional boundaries.

• interact with him on a need to do basis, professional but cool. Don't feel you have to be a pleaser to him, to make up for calling him out and not being prepared to put up with his behaviour.

Who are these people who think suggesting women ‘like’ the OP would be better off in sex work is funny? What is funny about that?

It’s just excruciating.

Jeez I'm starting to understand why sexual assault levels are so high.

Women should just accept being reduced to porn images by colleagues, if they don't they just don't know how to have a laugh.

Just a small step to not understanding that being groped is a compliment and a laugh as well naturally etc, etc.

I've had similar experiences. I'd dealt with the person directly face-to-face, and told him it was totally wrong. It never happened again.

One time a close colleague reported a similar issue. She reported it to HR, there was an investigation, and the sender lost their job (I work in a large well known tech company). It's actually for that reason I didn't report, as it would have preferred to give the guy another chance.

Personally I'd keep it, but leave it. If it happens again then I'd take it to HR. I don't think it's potentially worth ruining someone's job over unless you feel he is often this way to you and others.

I couldn't get worked up about this.

I’m an Head of HR, I would definitely want to know about this. In my organisation this would definitely be reason for a disciplinary sanction, probably final written warning, perhaps even dismissal.
We are in a very male dominated sector and have worked hard to create a culture in which women feel comfortable and equal, so have a very low tolerance for this type of behaviour.
Just be aware that once you report it formally, the outcome will be out of your hands. The investigation will probably also look at any messages between you both so if you’ve been engaging in the same banter then that may come to light.

Inappropriate, yes. Report it? No.

Talk to him yourself. Tell him that he’s being watched and if he fucks up again, he will be called up. I’ve worked in a huge office for 27 years and it happens. Just learn to bite back.

I like @MadMadMadamMim message - it’s clear

What bugs me most about these crappy comments is the inference that you should be flattered that a creepy man thinks your best service to the world is nude photos. Grrrrrrrr.

God yes, he will think the OP is being ungrateful about this unwanted attention. He probably won't be used to a woman getting Difficult. We all need to get really Difficult about this stuff in the workplace. It has held women back for decades.

I wouldn’t report it but I’d ring him and say - do you know how insulting to my intelligence that is? And how it make me feel when you reduce me to a piece of meat? Would you like that? No - so don’t do it to me. Screen shot it for your records.

To the people saying why can’t people take a joke - it wasn’t funny. I don’t mean because it was so so so offensive - I mean because saying ‘don’t know why you work when you could just sell nudes’ literally isn’t funny. It isn’t flattering either - cos who wants to have their tits on the web - It’s just boring and dated.

I would let this one slide if it is a one off . I would really hate this message though , it’s totally inappropriate.

FFS I despair of all the (presumably) women saying its funny or a compliment. How is saying you should not bother using your skills or your brain and just use your tits to make money in any way funny?

It's a shit and inappropriate joke but I wouldn't go to HR unless I thought he was known for this stuff and there was a company wide issue. I would say to him that I found it inappropriate and not to do it again.

I work in HR and love dealing with dickheads like him. It’s amazing how less cocky they are when they’re not hiding behind a phone, but have an audience.

OP, if you were coming to me on this issue, I would be asking you what you want to be done about it. Have a think about that. Going to HR and saying “oh, I don’t want anything actually done, I just wanted to let you know” will accomplish nothing. You need to make a complaint and follow it through, giving a formal statement if needed. This would likely be managed under a dignity at work policy.

Based on what you’ve said, it’s not a bullying issue, despite what other people on here have said. Have a read of your company’s Dignity at Work policy and go from there.

Also. I drink too much and blackout and am in a always on work context and it worries me that I'll reply to something and next day realise I sound sloshed.

This is worrying. Really can't understand why some adults think voluntarily losing their minds is normal/cool enough to do and post about.

Ok I am going to tell you young people about how life was in the 80s in an office environment. There were men and women and we all interacted - we flirted - men might have told us we looked nice today, or our hair was nice and we made flirty comments back We had fun at Christmas parties with the odd kiss in the stationery cupboard and so on. Do you know what - it was FUN! I am so fed up with the sourpusses which seem to inhabit our planet now who can't take a joke (and deal with it, as we did - there are plenty of ways of shaming an over-familiar man). It was all very innocent - at least we didn't jump into bed with every man who crossed our path! Lighten up, will you.

Id reply telling him how inappropriate it was, you didnt find it funny and dont want it to happen again. I'd then screenshot his message and my reply.

If he did it again I'd be off to HR, but not in the first instance. While I think it's an unprofessional and tbh creepy thing to say, I'd let it go just this once and let him know how unprofessional it was.