Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 09/06/2021 18:07

If he lost his job for sexual harassment it would be because he was sexually harassing someone though!

The bloke is in his 20's not 14.

LoudestCat14 · 09/06/2021 18:08

Argh, I meant "women like you".

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 18:08

It’s absolutely not a compliment.

If he doesn’t want to lose his job for sexual harassment, he shouldn’t sexually harass people.

The entire situation is his fault and his fault alone.

allamelli · 09/06/2021 18:09

I would go for a one to one approach, not HR. I had a friend who was reported to HR for a one-off borderline-offensive comment to someone she considered a friend.The process was brutal and went on for 4 months. She was cleared of wrong doing in the end but it nearly broke her.
The process had no positive outcome. The 2 people involved find it too difficult sit in a meeting together now. It has just entrenched both party's viewpoints and made it more likely not less for discrimination to happen.
I would just send a message saying, I know you meant no harm but I didn't like the nudes comment. Let's just keep it professional going forward.

MagicSummer · 09/06/2021 18:10

Oh God, report, report, report anyone for having a bit of a laugh! Has nobody got a sense of humour any more?

Streamside · 09/06/2021 18:10

Make it clear that you find it inappropriate and move on.I'm not sure it's a good idea to send emails to colleagues so early in the morning.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 09/06/2021 18:11

@gobackanddoitproperly

I used to work in HR. I'm glad I don't anymore. Half the issues that ended up on my desk were because people didn't TALK to each other.

It was 100% inappropriate. Of course it was. Simply say so. "That is a grossly inappropriate message to send to a colleague. Don't do it again." Job done. Show him how to act like a grownup.

This.
Thatswatshesaid · 09/06/2021 18:11

Eerggh on what planet is this shit okay?
Tell HR you telling him off or ignoring will do nothing.

Thatswatshesaid · 09/06/2021 18:12

Not everyone feels they can even report these things never mind confront him. It’s not her responsibility.

ChateauMargaux · 09/06/2021 18:13

' Too much misogyny is written off as a joke while creating a hostile work environment for women.'

Send him this and then have a word with your manager. Perhaps ask them to make the call as to whether HR should be involved or a word from his superior might be enough at this time. If your manager does not take it seriously, take it to HR.

Bourbonic · 09/06/2021 18:14

How does he have your personal number? Very few of my colleagues have mine!

I wouldn't report it, if I were bothered by it I'd have a word with him. I can't see I'd be bothered by this in all honesty, but I've always worked with men in traditionally un-pc environments so would see this as the thin end of the wedge and would have probably made a funny comment back.

bridgetreilly · 09/06/2021 18:15

That is not a joke and it's not acceptable at all. Definitely screenshot and report.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 09/06/2021 18:15

7.45am ? Sorry how is that wee hours of the morning? Confused.

NiceGerbil · 09/06/2021 18:15

Loads of mine do, just different work environments

Gooseberrypies · 09/06/2021 18:15

@drpet49

Just a joke. I would have seen the funny side to this.
Please explain the joke?
ConstanceMarkievicz · 09/06/2021 18:15

'absolutely horrendous.

So, no matter how hard you work or how many good ideas you have, your boss thinks you ''shouldn't bother''. He thinks you'd be serving the world, ie, men, better by posting nudes on line.

That is not funny at all.

Happyhappyday · 09/06/2021 18:16

REPORT!!! Fgs!!!!!! Imagine this, some say he’ll be someone’s boss and say that to them. Give him a kick up the ass now before he sexually harnesses someone from a position of authority!!! Especially as the idiot did it real text/email and you have a physical record.

lakesummer · 09/06/2021 18:16

It is really depressing my teenage dd is going to go to work with attitudes like this

How is it having a laugh?
Where is the joke in sending a colleague an email about how she should be stripping online?
It isn't a joke in bad taste, there is simply no joke, it is just a straight out unsolicited sexual comment.

Does he send male colleagues this "joke", like heck will he.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:16

@MagicSummer

Oh God, report, report, report anyone for having a bit of a laugh! Has nobody got a sense of humour any more?
I have a great sense of humour.

And a low tolerance of demanding sexist claptrap.

Gooseberrypies · 09/06/2021 18:17

@MagicSummer

Oh God, report, report, report anyone for having a bit of a laugh! Has nobody got a sense of humour any more?
Which part of it made you laugh?
bridgetreilly · 09/06/2021 18:18

Has nobody got a sense of humour any more?

Explain the joke to us then. Because all I'm seeing is a man telling his female work colleague that he has (a) thought her about naked, (b) suggested she could be an online porn model, and in doing so implied (c) that she shouldn't be in the workplace.

Hilarious.

Hankunamatata · 09/06/2021 18:18

I would reply via works email with screen shot of his message. Saying you find this inappropriate and crossing a line. If he messages you again like this you will be taking it to HR.

How does he have your personal number?

Happyhappyday · 09/06/2021 18:18

Honestly even if he apologized I’d report it. And have reported things I’ve witnessed in the past.

He made a poor choice. Not you. You are not getting him in trouble. He got himself in trouble saying something so blindingly inappropriate.

betterlifenostrife · 09/06/2021 18:18

It would depend on who it came from - if it was from any of the colleagues on my floor who i got on well with I would have laughed out loud but then most of us had inappropriate senses of humour, men and women. If it came from a git I wouldn't like it but I think I would reply saying "really not funny" or telling him to keep views like that to himself rather than HR. Did it make you feel bullied or is it just the principle of it?

By wee hours I thought you meant 3 am
7.45 isn't really wee hours

1forAll74 · 09/06/2021 18:19

Definitely a jokey thing to say, to report such a thing would be quite laughable, a sense of humour is needed.