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AIBU?

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Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 09/06/2021 17:34

HE is too heavy handed on a one-off stupidity but he needs telling that that's not acceptable.

EverNapping · 09/06/2021 17:34

Definitely report it. Creeps escalate especially if they aren't challenged and held accountable.

thistimelastweek · 09/06/2021 17:34

Sorry, HR.

fashionablefennel · 09/06/2021 17:35

It's very odd that anyone would dare make such a stupid "joke" in these days and age.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/06/2021 17:35

What the fuck. I would absolutely report this. Totally inappropriate. Can’t believe so many people are happy to let men get away with this shit ffs 🤦‍♀️

DrManhattan · 09/06/2021 17:35

HR but be prepared for nothing to happen

Clymene · 09/06/2021 17:36

@drpet49

Just a joke. I would have seen the funny side to this.
What is the funny side to this? I don't get it.
purplecorkheart · 09/06/2021 17:38

That is over the line for me. The fact that he sent it to your personal phone rather than through an work email tells that he knew it was too. Bet he would not say that to a male colleague.

Clymene · 09/06/2021 17:38

@gobackanddoitproperly

I used to work in HR. I'm glad I don't anymore. Half the issues that ended up on my desk were because people didn't TALK to each other.

It was 100% inappropriate. Of course it was. Simply say so. "That is a grossly inappropriate message to send to a colleague. Don't do it again." Job done. Show him how to act like a grownup.

So every time this sleaze makes a 'joke' to a female colleague, they should just talk to him directly rather than involving you because you're too busy?

That's how men get away with doing this kind of shit for years.

EverythingRuined · 09/06/2021 17:39

I'd report it to HR. If you work closely with him and feel comfortable talking to him about it you could give him the heads up that you are going to let HR know. You could say that you have done it because you think it's better for HR to deal with it as you and him obviously have such a difference in opinion as to how bad the comment was. You could tell him you would rather keep out of it and let HR deal with it.

I think comments like his are really revolting and creepy. I'm more aware of how creepy many men are since my daughters were first teens.

Wearywithteens · 09/06/2021 17:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BlueDucky · 09/06/2021 17:41

He knew it wasn't acceptable thats why he didn't email and used your personal phone. If he had been apologetic I would have let it go but it sounds like he is trying to tell you you are overreacting and minimising it so I'd go to HR.

Mountaingoatling · 09/06/2021 17:41

What is the culture of your organisation?

It's horrid behaviour (and the fact you emailed is irrelevant unless it was a private email to him...just use Outlook's achedule send to make sure all your emails go in work hours).

But if the dominant culture is like this, then in raising this you become vulnerable.

If this goes against your stated and lived company culture I'd mention it to your line manager, seeking their advice.

That way there's a trail and back up and support.

HR is a bit of a nuclear option, which you may or may not want to take depending on the full context.

DomPom47 · 09/06/2021 17:42

Report!

MirandaBlu · 09/06/2021 17:43

It's not a joke and technically you should report it. What would have happened if you'd responded "yeah, I was just thinking the same about men like you?" Nothing, because there's little market for pics of naked men and a massive market for pics of naked women, and your troglodyte colleage knows that. Not your job to explain to him why his attitudes aren't appropriate in the workplace.

gobackanddoitproperly · 09/06/2021 17:44

Yes Clymene, because that is exactly what I said. I was too busy. Quite

Original poster
MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:44

To clarify about the time, I sent it around 07:45 which is early but I don't think inappropriately so. We're not close — our message/conversation history consists of 1 conversation about how we were both from the same Uni and that was it.

OP posts:
sixthtimelucky · 09/06/2021 17:44

I'd keep the message. If he did similar again I'd report. I would put a 'first offence' down as a misjudged attempt at flirting or humour so no I wouldn't go to HR at this point.

EloquentlyBrash · 09/06/2021 17:45

It was a jokey dark humoured compliment. You’re obviously attractive to him, for him to think you could sell photos. I personally wouldn’t report but if it’s made you uncomfortable tell him.

titchy · 09/06/2021 17:45

@gobackanddoitproperly

I used to work in HR. I'm glad I don't anymore. Half the issues that ended up on my desk were because people didn't TALK to each other.

It was 100% inappropriate. Of course it was. Simply say so. "That is a grossly inappropriate message to send to a colleague. Don't do it again." Job done. Show him how to act like a grownup.

Thank goodness you no longer work in HR.... You had one job - within the bounds of your role contribute towards a well-functioning fair and respectful workplace. And you couldn't be arsed to do that. Hmm
Belliphat · 09/06/2021 17:47

Had he followed up the silence with an apology - ok. As it is I would log it with HR - it’s that horrible bullying - come on I was only joking - as I said you could be a sex worker that would make me truly give no shits.
These shits of men devalue your work every time they link you to sex/porn and revert to the cliche of the humourless harridan as an insult if you try to protect your boundaries. Fuck them and give no shits about his hurt feelings

zoemum2006 · 09/06/2021 17:47

I’d say “It was really unprofessional but I’ll cut you some slack. Once. Do it again and I’ll report you. Don’t test me on this.”

Clymene · 09/06/2021 17:50

@gobackanddoitproperly

Yes Clymene, because that is exactly what I said. I was too busy. Quite
Oh okay you weren't too busy; you just couldn't be arsed to do your job. And there was me giving you the benefit of the doubt
suggestionsplease1 · 09/06/2021 17:51

I'd tell him that I found it really inappropriate, and that anyone in an employment situation could potentially go to HR with that sort of communication, so that he has been warned. Then I would save the messages in case, but I don't think I'd go to HR in the first instance. A second time, definitely.

NewlyGranny · 09/06/2021 17:51

I don't get what is remotely humorous about suggesting a work colleague should sell nude photos instead of pursing the career they trained for.

It is one layer of offensiveness on another. And that's before the "women like you" giveaway. 🤮