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AIBU?

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Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 09/06/2021 17:53

Unless you have an extensive history of exchanging banter by message or flirting loads at work, this is very weird and I wouldn't think twice about involving HR, although I'd probably be inclined to maybe give him one more chance and screenshot it in case he says something similar again. I'd probably reply saying 'I don't understand what you're trying to mean by that and find it inappropriate for a colleague, please don't send me that kind of message again' (unless you're interested in a romantic relationship with him...).

Calmdown14 · 09/06/2021 17:53

Bit on the fence with this one.
Do you have any kind of work policy about emails outside of working hours? With home working many organisations have introduced policies/recommendations about appropriate hours for emails.
I'd certainly tell him you feel it is inappropriate and ask him not to use such a tone again, preferably in a form you have record of.
However, if you do decide to report, be certain you are not in breach of anything either and re read your original message to make sure that however innocently you meant it, there's nothing in it that could also be misconstrued.
If you decide not to act, make a note of the time, date etc and any correspondence so you have it if required in future.

gobackanddoitproperly · 09/06/2021 17:53

Yes, because I couldn't be arsed...I said that too. well done. Keep going. What else did I say?

NewlyGranny · 09/06/2021 17:53

OP, if you report him to HR you'll be doing him a huge favour. He can change his ways before he wrecks his career.

He hasn't even apologised!

Merchymor · 09/06/2021 17:54

Totally inappropriate. He needs to know he can't say things like that.

Definitely report it as it was in a work context.

I feel sick just reading it so god knows how you felt.

This young man needs 'educating'.

I put up with innuendos from my boss when I was younger, it made me really uncomfortable. In hindsight I wish I'd reported him.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 09/06/2021 17:57

@MapleSyrupMoose

To clarify about the time, I sent it around 07:45 which is early but I don't think inappropriately so. We're not close — our message/conversation history consists of 1 conversation about how we were both from the same Uni and that was it.
That's a pretty normal time to send a work email, tbh. I've been known to start at that time, especially since I sometimes get on early calls with Asia Pac. It's not like you sent it at 2:30am.

I would probably tell him it was inappropriate directly AND tell HR. There's no reason it has to be one or the other. Calling people on their inappropriate shit can be very satisfying. If you don't feel safe to do that because you fear retaliation from him, skip that stage. But yes, if you feel positioned to do it, it is valuable for him to be told directly that these comments are grossly inappropriate and unwelcome.

HOkieCOkie · 09/06/2021 17:57

I am usually the first to roll my eyes at these situations and move on. But I actually don’t think that’s appropriate at all and not a very nice message to receive.

EverythingRuined · 09/06/2021 17:57

@gobackanddoitproperly

I used to work in HR. I'm glad I don't anymore. Half the issues that ended up on my desk were because people didn't TALK to each other.

It was 100% inappropriate. Of course it was. Simply say so. "That is a grossly inappropriate message to send to a colleague. Don't do it again." Job done. Show him how to act like a grownup.

I not surprised that someone who worked in HR wouldn't want to deal with something like this but I disagree that the employee should be the one to deal with this type of thing. Any decent employer needs to know about an employee who thinks this type of nasty comment is ok. A lot of creeps are sneaky and clever about who they target. What if this was something that he did regularly. HR can't do anything unless they know. Some people would be extremely upset to receive such a pervy text. It's not harmless banter.
lalamo · 09/06/2021 17:57

Extremely unacceptable and not at all ok.

Clymene · 09/06/2021 17:58

@gobackanddoitproperly

Yes, because I couldn't be arsed...I said that too. well done. Keep going. What else did I say?
That you don't view sexual harassment as an issue in the workplace Smile

As another poster said, I'm sure we're all glad you no longer work in HR.

lalamo · 09/06/2021 17:58

That said I probably wouldn't go to HR unless he did it again. But I would also make sure I was never alone with him.

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 17:59

There is a really insidious idea that women are somehow privileged to be able to make money from stuff like onlyfans and that it’s completely normal. Men making comments like that are showing how they think of women and a woman’s role in the workplace. The kind of stuff done to women in pornography is degrading, humiliating torture. It’s conditioning men to see women in a really disturbing light. The fact that he’s normalised it enough in his head to think this is an ok thing to say to a colleague, that he can laugh it off as a ‘joke’ is grim. I worry so much especially for teenage girls and younger women entering further education or work to be encountering this attitude all the time, that tells them they should be taking off their clothes and sticking things up themselves for men’s entertainment and that this makes them lucky and they should be grateful for the opportunity and stop taking up men’s places and men’s jobs. Sometimes I feel like we haven’t made any progress at all. It’s deeply depressing.

And yes, by the way, this should absolutely be reported to HR and he should be embarrassed enough to never do it again. What a fucking creep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/06/2021 17:59

There is nothing funny about this. It's demeaning, humiliating, sexist and awful. Please report it.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 09/06/2021 18:02

I am torn as I always feel you should confront someone before reporting. But, you kind of did, and he did not immediately apologise.

In addition, in my experience anyway, this is both miles away from the norm for a professional e mail and also grossly sexist and offensive.

Unless there is a lot to it than meets the eye, I would definitely report.

Seren20 · 09/06/2021 18:03

Yeah, it’s totally unprofessional. Given it’s the first time, I’d go with telling him he’s well out of order and make it clear that if says anything like that again (to you or others) you’ll go straight to his manager or put in a complaint to HR.

Keep a record and maybe mention what he said and your response to your line manager assuming you can talk to them privately and feel comfortable discussing it with them.

Valenciaoranges · 09/06/2021 18:03

Disgusting. I suffered this kind of abuse in the 90s and it is just not acceptable.

lakesummer · 09/06/2021 18:04

7:45am is hardly the wee small hours but perfectly normal work time.

His comments are absolutely out of order. I would either tell him that directly or let HR do that.

Unsure33 · 09/06/2021 18:04

@gobackanddoitproperly

I agree with you .

Sometimes we have to learn how to cope with this ourselves . I would screen shot . Tell him you find it offensive . It’s not funny and if it happens again you will report .

I don’t consider that is letting him get away with it , it is telling him straight he is out of order and you are not going to take any nonsense .

Anything else happens straight to HR and you have kept the evidence .

We also have to teach people to stand up for themselves because not every company has an HR department .

aiwblam · 09/06/2021 18:05

If he is generally decent, I would perhaps excuse it as he’s young and say - mate you could get into hot water for emails like this - and I prefer to use my brain and have a career!

BIWI · 09/06/2021 18:05

Why didn't you reply to him at the time?!

You should have said something along the lines of 'WTAF do you mean? And why are you messaging me on my personal phone?' His answer to that would have been very revealing.

I wouldn't report (yet) to HR but I would be dealing with it myself not just ignoring it.

IronTeeth · 09/06/2021 18:05

@drpet49

Just a joke. I would have seen the funny side to this.
No - that is not appropriate in any way at all

It is not a joke, for a joke should be funny - and that wasnt

SparkyLauz · 09/06/2021 18:06

Youre both young, he obviously finds you attractive I'd take it as a compliment and a joke and just let it slide. He probably didn't have a clue that this could be taken offensively. Lads that age usually don't but if he says anything else to you and you're not comfortable with it then let him know. Getting HR involved without even giving him a warning chance first would be a bit mean, he could end up losing his job for sexual harassment!

SionnachGlic · 09/06/2021 18:07

I would have ignored the email but said something directly to him to knock that sort of messaging on the head (as casual or as serious as you feel it merits) & then put it behind you on the basis that it was an error in judgment & won't happen again. However I would not ignore him in the workplace, certainly not in relation to work related matters/meetings. If he repeats that sort of inappropriate messaging or behaviour or gets pissy about your absence of humour (as he sees it)...tell him to take it to HR or do so yourself, he'll soon be told then it was inappropriate & formally too. But be careful about ignoring him...it can be perceived by some as ostracizing, bullying etc. Not based on one instance such as the first time you met him after the text but if you were to continue ignoring him. Tell him it wasn't appropriate nor did you find such a communication funny given you are work colleagues & tell him you are doing hkm a favour by telling him as should he repeat it with someone else a small dose of being ignored might be the least of his worries if it was reported to HR. V stupid of him really...

Dartsplayer · 09/06/2021 18:07

Totally inappropriate. Make sure you keep it for future evidence. If you feel comfortable enough then speak to him about how inappropriate that is but if you don't feel comfortable speaking to him about it then that's what HR are for. What a sexist twat

LoudestCat14 · 09/06/2021 18:07

Being referred to as "you women" would annoy me more than the porn reference. I'm on the fence about reporting him though. He's obviously realised it's a joke and now he's panicking and I might see it as a one-time infraction. But he needs to apologise profusely first. If he doesn't do that and tries to shrug it off, then I'd report him.