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Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 18:30

It’s so sad to see attitudes from women dismissing this, minimising it, putting more value on protecting this man’s job and reputation than on a woman’s dignity and safety in work, mocking her for being humourless or overreacting - all the internalised misogyny that contributes to toxic, hostile environments for women. That helps to make the world a place where women are objectified, sexualised and made responsible for men’s behaviour all the time. Don’t report it - it’s just a joke! Don’t report it - it will ruin his career! It’s all on you, never on him. He can do what he likes, you have to put up with it, laugh along, change your behaviour to make sure he’s comfortable and never mind how you feel. It’s really sickening to read.

Theluggage15 · 09/06/2021 18:30

I’d just tell him myself, I have done with similar in the past, he apologised, was embarrassed and it didn’t happen again. We actually went on to have a really good working relationship.

I felt confident that I could deal with it myself and what happened next depended on his response. You may feel differently of course.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 09/06/2021 18:30

If he'd come back with an apology, that it was a badly expressed joke and that he'd be more professional in future then I might let it go, but he's trying to make out like you're being unreasonable for not participating in 'the banter'.

Do you have to go straight to HR? Is there a suitable line manager that could deal with it in a less official way? I think the general culture of the work place, and his general attitude, whether I thought he would learn and realise his mistake, or whether he was just generally a cocky twat, might influence my decision in how far I took it tbh.

RunAwayNow · 09/06/2021 18:30

Report. Report. Report.

It might be a 'first offence' with you but there's every chance this is an ingrained pattern of behaviour that other women have experienced. A culture of silence helps no one and only gives him licence to continue this behaviour unchecked.

In my workplace this man would absolutely be fired for this behaviour. However that's no reason not to report it - the reason for any disciplinary action taken against him is not your responsibility. It's terrifying that so many posters on this thread seem to think it is. Behaviour has consequences.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:31

In my 20s I would have just replied wtaf. When he tried to pass it off as a joke I’d have replied that he needed to get his shit together around women or he will end up fired.

However, at the age of 50 if a new 20something recruit was talking like this I’d want to know to nip it in the bud.

betterlifenostrife · 09/06/2021 18:31

OP I am really not sure why he would have responded "wow you are up early" if it was 7.45. That is not early to get up, and not early to send emails either in many professions - lots of people would be on the train and sending work emails at that time.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 09/06/2021 18:31

It’s not supposed to be “hilarious”. It’s a dig at the fact that she was up in the “wee small hours” ( not buying 7.45 ) working but could earn more at the time of time selling nudes.
The fact it’s a risqué comment is why it’s “ a joke”. Obviously if it was a serious suggestion it wouldn’t be.

Just tell him he’s being gross and it’s not funny.

Why dies he have your personal number?

Ohtheplacesyougo · 09/06/2021 18:31

The individual emailed him early on a personal basis. He replied on a personal basis. Why were you emailing in the early hours!

Do not report but make it clear that you found it extremely offensive and please never do again, or else will report. Also request an apology.

I personally think you can handle this yourself and will deem a greater respect for doing so.

We all make mistakes but crucifying him and potential loss of career by one error is, I think, is poor advice.

You are in your 20s and we all have different backgrounds. This may be a family perspective but the best thing you can do for your colleague is show him this is not acceptable behaviour. It will hopefully make him a better person, and also demonstrate you have taken the lead.

RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper · 09/06/2021 18:32

And what's with the 'run to HR' business every second. You can deal with this like an adult. Screenshot for future-proof evidence. Then tell him off with a warning.

PerhapsCarriageGreen · 09/06/2021 18:33

@Aquamarine1029

100% report this. It's not a fucking "joke." Letting idiot men get away with shit like this is why shit like this will continue to happen. Absolutely unacceptable and I hope he loses his job over it.
This 100 times over.
TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:33

@LegoPirateMonkey

It’s so sad to see attitudes from women dismissing this, minimising it, putting more value on protecting this man’s job and reputation than on a woman’s dignity and safety in work, mocking her for being humourless or overreacting - all the internalised misogyny that contributes to toxic, hostile environments for women. That helps to make the world a place where women are objectified, sexualised and made responsible for men’s behaviour all the time. Don’t report it - it’s just a joke! Don’t report it - it will ruin his career! It’s all on you, never on him. He can do what he likes, you have to put up with it, laugh along, change your behaviour to make sure he’s comfortable and never mind how you feel. It’s really sickening to read.
Yep.
fashionablefennel · 09/06/2021 18:33

@RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper

And what's with the 'run to HR' business every second. You can deal with this like an adult. Screenshot for future-proof evidence. Then tell him off with a warning.
Not going into an argument with a colleague is just as professional, if not more.

It's absolutely fine to contact HR.

eaten · 09/06/2021 18:33

Report for the following reasons:

  1. While both men and women sell nudes online, he only says women should be doing it. As someone said upthread, he wouldn't say this to his male colleague. This is sexism.
  1. He singled you out in "women like you", which is sexualising you. He wouldn't have said this to a woman he found unattractive.
  1. He could tell that you didn't like what you said but instead of handling the situation professionally and apologising, he complains that you can't take a joke, suggesting you are the one at fault.
  1. It's inappropriate to be discussing porn at work (if it's not related to work).

I wouldn't waste my time and energy explaining to him what he did wrong or how he made me feel. Let HR do that.

Merchymor · 09/06/2021 18:34

@MagicSummer

Ok I am going to tell you young people about how life was in the 80s in an office environment. There were men and women and we all interacted - we flirted - men might have told us we looked nice today, or our hair was nice and we made flirty comments back We had fun at Christmas parties with the odd kiss in the stationery cupboard and so on. Do you know what - it was FUN! I am so fed up with the sourpusses which seem to inhabit our planet now who can't take a joke (and deal with it, as we did - there are plenty of ways of shaming an over-familiar man). It was all very innocent - at least we didn't jump into bed with every man who crossed our path! Lighten up, will you.
Well I've been groped at work, minimised, put down, objectified, leered at and made to feel thoroughly uncomfortable.

I've had men tell me I look nice and it's very different from when I've been told I'm giving them a hard on.

You've just been lucky- either that or you were happy to be subordinate and valued on your body not your abilities.

Cap89 · 09/06/2021 18:34

It is completely inappropriate. Anyone who says otherwise is talking nonsense. If it was me, I would reply saying that I didn’t find it funny and I’d prefer communication to remain work focused and not through your private number. I would personally also report to HR. I might say I don’t want anything done about it, but I’d want them to know in case it was part of a bigger picture.

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 18:34

Dealing with it ‘like an adult’ means following the policies put in place to make the workplace safe and fair for everyone. Reporting this to HR isn’t a childish action, it’s the right thing to do.

SoThisisMe · 09/06/2021 18:34

This thread is depressing. I really hope all the posters that find this funny are male otherwise it's worse than I think it is.

And why the fuck are people comparing sending an email (at a time when it would be perfectly normal for at least 10% of my department to be working) to blatant sexual harassment ??

GuildfordGal · 09/06/2021 18:35

100% report this. It's not a fucking "joke." Letting idiot men get away with shit like this is why shit like this will continue to happen

This. Lines MUST be drawn when it comes to inappropriate male behaviour towards women. The must be drawn hard, fast and immediately. Every time. I'm so sick of this shit. How fucking DARE he?

Report it and HR can make the decisions.

lakesummer · 09/06/2021 18:35

I'm in my mid 40's so hardly young.

But
men might have told us we looked nice today, or our hair was nice

Is very different to

'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune

I bloody well hope my dd is enough of a sourpuss to report anyone at her work who responds to a formal work email with garbage about stripping instead for a living.
God forbid she should be judged on her work same as this and every other bloke.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:35

@RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper

And what's with the 'run to HR' business every second. You can deal with this like an adult. Screenshot for future-proof evidence. Then tell him off with a warning.
His misogyny is not OP’s problem.

As I said in my 20s I would have dealt with it. At 50 I wouldn’t want 20somethings dealing themselves swith it I’d want to know who the twats are in the organization to keep an eye on them.

If he’s client facing he could be a liability.

Original poster
MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 18:36

As a disclaimer I have never flirted with him before! Usually I'm better at ignoring 'jokes' (my course in Uni was very male-dominated so I'm sort of used to it) but this one in particular gave me the 'ick'.

OP posts:
Faevern · 09/06/2021 18:37

I don’t understand the context of this, why would he text this? So he gets an email from you at work about work and then sends a random message?

Is 7.45 early? What does women like you mean? Did you say you were cycling? Was he implying you are fit?

I reckon he’s doubling down because he knows he’s overstepped and is trying to minimise it? Don’t think I could be bothered to go to HR but I would ask him wtf are you talking about?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 18:38

HR or at least my manager.

I don't give a shit if it was a joke,his first time or the 100th. Completely inappropriate .

finallymightbehappening · 09/06/2021 18:38

Do you want him to get the sack? Yes of course it was inappropriate. But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions.

Personally I would probably tell him to his face it was completely inappropriate and then forget about it. But you are totally entitled to go to HR. But the consequence is likely to be more than a slapped wrist.

Most companies would discipline for that. But if they don't (and then they sound like a shower of shit) you will have marked your own card.

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 18:39

OP, even if you had flirted with him, his comment is revolting and it wouldn’t be your fault. Don’t feel like you should be ignoring comments like this, it’s really not ok for men to say this kind of thing. He’s a creep. It’s nothing you’ve done, you haven’t brought this on yourself and nothing that happens to him as a result is your responsibility. Block him from your personal phone and report to HR. He isn’t worth a moment more of your headspace.