AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

[FeelingUnsureNow]

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

It is her home too.

I’ve accepted a long line of strangers in my home, as all parents do, when their kids bring friends round! Of course they’re not strangers now, but they were at first.

Surely you can see this is a little bit different to a 14 year old girl having an adult male stay in her home, even though her mother knows it makes her uncomfortable? Also you had the ability to tell your children's friends to leave at any point that you felt uncomfortable. A child who has a parent's new partner imposed on them in their home does not have this option.

Children are happy when their parents are happy.

Empirical evidence doesn't support this I'm afraid.

@QuentinBunbury

Thing is polka in my experience it's not about them feeling unsafe at home, it's about them not wanting their mum to have a boyfriend. So they get upset that you talk on the phone, or you stay at their house, or you know their kids better. Ultimately if the adult decides they want a relationship then they have to draw a line somewhere and that's an individual choice. Personally I don't think its unreasonable for boyfriend and daughter to stay over when there's a particular thing on - in this case the football.

I'd agree if she was moving the boyfriend in but she isn't. She just wants to spend time with him.

That may be your experience. It's not the case in many situations.

@QuentinBunbury

Thing is polka in my experience it's not about them feeling unsafe at home, it's about them not wanting their mum to have a boyfriend. So they get upset that you talk on the phone, or you stay at their house, or you know their kids better. Ultimately if the adult decides they want a relationship then they have to draw a line somewhere and that's an individual choice. Personally I don't think its unreasonable for boyfriend and daughter to stay over when there's a particular thing on - in this case the football.

I'd agree if she was moving the boyfriend in but she isn't. She just wants to spend time with him.

And as many posters have pointed out, it's perfectly possible to have a relationship without having your new partner stay overnight in your children's home!

@QuentinBunbury

Also I'm not sure why many posters are implying this is about OP wanting sex. She clearly said it was because he lives far away and they want to have a wine while watching the footy. There's no suggestion of any inappropriate sex.

And even if they do have sex, if its quietly in the privacy of mums own room it's absolutely none of the children's business. In the same way as I'm sensitive to what my teens might be up to in their rooms with the door shut and make sure to give them space/knock. What happens behind a closed bedroom door is noone else's business

She said he lives an hour away. They can meet in the middle 30 mins from each of them. If you restrict your search for a partner to people under 30 mins journey you'll have a very short list of suitable people.

@soreenqueen21

Children are happy when their parents are happy

Always trotted out by selfish parents who put themselves before their children.

👏👏👏

I’m amazed how many posters here seem to regard relationships as just sex-‘involving them in your sex life, have them over for a shag etc. Having a partner stay the night is no more involving kids in your sex life than having sex with the kids’ dad. Or do marriages become celibate as soon as kids arrive? And to present a kindly man as a safety threat just because he visits the house is ridiculous. Are friends who are male not allowed to stay? She absolutely needs her own space but to tell her mum she can’t have overnight guests is too much. My friend’s children loathed having a particular set of relatives to stay. Part of it was they were turfed out of their rooms. My friend told them they didn’t have to like them but they were guests and the kids needed to be polite and respectful. They were absolutely not allowed to dictate who was and wasn’t allowed to stay on the house.

@Subbaxeo

I’m amazed how many posters here seem to regard relationships as just sex-‘involving them in your sex life, have them over for a shag etc. Having a partner stay the night is no more involving kids in your sex life than having sex with the kids’ dad. Or do marriages become celibate as soon as kids arrive? And to present a kindly man as a safety threat just because he visits the house is ridiculous. Are friends who are male not allowed to stay? She absolutely needs her own space but to tell her mum she can’t have overnight guests is too much. My friend’s children loathed having a particular set of relatives to stay. Part of it was they were turfed out of their rooms. My friend told them they didn’t have to like them but they were guests and the kids needed to be polite and respectful. They were absolutely not allowed to dictate who was and wasn’t allowed to stay on the house.

Having relatives to stay is very different to expecting a 14 year old girl to be comfortable with an unrelated adult man sleeping in her house.

It isn't about them having sex, although I could see why that would be very uncomfortable for the teen if the house was small/ not well sound-proofed. But the issue most posters have been raising is about effectively forcing DC to become involved in the mother's new relationship by having him staying in their home. There's simply no need for it. She can have a new relationship and keep it separate to the family home. It may be inconvenient for people but that is, in many (most?) cases, far better for the children.

It seems that some posters are deliberately misconstruing what the majority have been saying, which is to be honest very obvious and it's really sad that some people refuse to accept it - presumably to justify to themselves the choices they have made that are detrimental to their children.

I want her to know how a man should treat a lady

In that case don't have him round to stay. A grown up man should understand that your daughter needs to come first. Just tell him it's too soon for her. If you can't stand up to him at this stage in your relationship, you will never be able to. If he doesn't accept your reasoning with good grace then that tells you all you need to know.

I have 4 children either teens or having gone through the teen years.

None of them went from being clingy to independent and back.

In fact none of them have ever displayed clinginess towards us.

OP's daughter does this because after her father's awful behaviour and treatment of her mother, she is rightly nervous.

She is not ready for another man, however nice he may be, staying in her home.

Considering what the OP described as her husbands behaviour, I am not one bit surprised that her daughter is wary of her mother's choices in men.

As for the self serving suggestion that children are happy if their parents are happy🙄
Wow!

@2bazookas

Home is your daughter's safe space. I4 is an age when a girl is learning boundaries in regard to men, how close/in her face is comfortable. Even more important, is for her to learn that when her instincts are uneasy, she can speak up , tell, not feel that she's the one being silly or making a fuss. Above all. she needs to know that the needs of a man don't automatically trump the comfort of a woman.

      OP, this is not about "letting a child rule the roost".  It's about  supporting a pubescent girl; through a  tricky stage of  her social and sexual maturation.   Right now, she's not ready for BF  to stay over. 

In a couple of years, as she matures , that could change.

    Meanwhile  he's got his own daughter' to consider , and once she hits puberty perhaps she'll feel less sanguine about  sleep-overs to accommodate Dad's  sex life.  It really should not be too hard for him, as a  "sensitive" man and  father, to understand  OP's daughter needs more space and time.</div></div>

I agree with all of this.

I think you should listen to your daughter. She really doesn’t want him or his daughter staying over. Like you said she feels it’s an invasion of her space, and not just by him.

@FeelingUnsureNow

BluebellsGreenbells, fully agree. Yes, she would have the whole 'mum having sex' concept. She would never see a half naked man (lol) because he's very conservative. I'm keen for him to spend a bit more time here because he's a fantastic role model which is something her father wasnt. I want her to know how a man should treat a lady so she knows what to accept and what not to accept when she's older. I'm happy to tell him no but it will be awkward. His last relationship was abusive (to him) and he's a sensitive soul. I think he'll understand but it will hurt his feelings if I'm honest about it.

She can get to know him outside of him staying over

@soreenqueen21

Children are happy when their parents are happy

Always trotted out by selfish parents who put themselves before their children.

Well said Soreen.

@PolkadotFlamingos, I get what you’re saying, but in my circle there are some very happy step-families. My daughter’s friend lost her mother while young-her dad is remarried and they are a lovely, happy family. To follow the advice of some posters, he would have had to treat his new wife like a bit on the side, as if she were something to be ashamed of. Children can adapt to new people in their lives-especially if the new person is kind, friendly and makes an effort to get to know them. Introducing a new partner doesn’t automatically make the home unstable. Different partners paraded through the home are another matter. In some ways, it’s what they’re used to. My children were used to us having friends to dinner and staying over, so when my now husband stayed as my guest, it wasn’t a big deal. They had got to know him before that. So sure, for casual boyfriends, absolutely keep that life separate but a serious partner is different.

I think you need to listen to your dd. She is telling you she isn't happy about this - what more do you need to feel undecided over. It's her home first before her mother's relationship. She's 14 and in just a very few years she will be leaving home and going off on her own. Why ruin that and make her feel unhappy at this stage? Respect her feelings and it might change In a few months. 8 months is far too early for sleepovers, so I can imagine for her what a huge change this is. Not to mention his dd, and maybe she feels she doesn't want to now babysit or entertain her just because they are girls? He does sound lovely, but give it some more time.

Just to recap:
OP has 100% custody of her children and lives anyone away
2 out of 3 children (one of hers and her DPs) are happy for them to stay
Hes stayed once with her children before

And
The sleepover this week was because we have a big football match coming up (televised from 8pm) and we were going to watch it all together. My dd didn't watch it last year so I figured she wouldn't this year either. I half organised the sleepover so we could have a glass of wine while watching. My dd complained after I asked her, claiming that she wanted her and I to watch it with no one else around

It's not about sex, it's not about moving him in or anything like that. Its literally about a social event where it makes no sense for him to drive back an hour.

And actually it sounds like even if they make the arrangement that he leaves after the football DD is still going to be unhappy because "she wanted to watch it with noone else around"

I can't see how OP can have a relationship and meet her daughter's demands and that to me seems like an unnecessary situation to be in.

I think you should take it gradually and sensitively OP. There are a couple of issues here - having your BF to stay and having him and his DD as well staying.

You don't say how often your BF has his DD with him but if it's rarely - say EOW plus a weeknight - he's not being entirely fair to his DD hustling her off to a stranger's house where she could be feeling extremely uncomfortable herself. And is her Mum happy with the arrangement? I think he should prioritise spending quality time with his DD 1-2-1. Unless she's with him full time.

By all means gradually introduce him to your DC and let him stay from time to time but I think it's too early to thrust both of them into your family. Your DDs feeling do count and it is early days. If it doesn't work out you may well regret rushing his integration into your family. Blended families are not an easy ride.

Finally I do have to say I find the phrase 'how a gentleman treats a lady' quite jarring too. It's so old fashioned you both sound very conservative. Whether you meant it or not the phrase conjures up inequality to me and that's not a good example for your DC. Be careful that you don't rush into an unequal relationship after your bad previous relationship.

Relationships should be built from a position of strength, maturity and equality for both partners. That's what your DC need to learn. Good luck OP.

@soreenqueen21

Children are happy when their parents are happy

Always trotted out by selfish parents who put themselves before their children.

No it's not. My partner and I have always put our children first and have also been very happy. They are now all grown up well adjusted adults. They actually like to see us happy. Putting children first is not making their needs exclusive to all other needs. That's what creates the issues that are discussed on other threads.

Putting children first is not making their needs exclusive to all other needs. That's what creates the issues that are discussed on other threads.
Exactly this

[quote Subbaxeo]@PolkadotFlamingos, I get what you’re saying, but in my circle there are some very happy step-families. My daughter’s friend lost her mother while young-her dad is remarried and they are a lovely, happy family. To follow the advice of some posters, he would have had to treat his new wife like a bit on the side, as if she were something to be ashamed of. Children can adapt to new people in their lives-especially if the new person is kind, friendly and makes an effort to get to know them. Introducing a new partner doesn’t automatically make the home unstable. Different partners paraded through the home are another matter. In some ways, it’s what they’re used to. My children were used to us having friends to dinner and staying over, so when my now husband stayed as my guest, it wasn’t a big deal. They had got to know him before that. So sure, for casual boyfriends, absolutely keep that life separate but a serious partner is different.[/quote]
I agree. Nobody is saying step-parents should not exist. I have a wonderful step-mother who is far nicer than my mother!!

I think the point is that it depends on the circumstances. The age and temperament of the children involved, the specific ways that the separation/ loss of a parent has impacted them, how much time they have had to heal, and ultimately what level of involvement the children are happy with the new partner having in their family life. Rather than it being driven by what the parent would like. If the children don't want it then it's not appropriate to bring the relationship into their home/ daily life.

Listen to your daughter and put her first

@QuentinBunbury

Just to recap: OP has 100% custody of her children and lives anyone away 2 out of 3 children (one of hers and her DPs) are happy for them to stay Hes stayed once with her children before

And
The sleepover this week was because we have a big football match coming up (televised from 8pm) and we were going to watch it all together. My dd didn't watch it last year so I figured she wouldn't this year either. I half organised the sleepover so we could have a glass of wine while watching. My dd complained after I asked her, claiming that she wanted her and I to watch it with no one else around

It's not about sex, it's not about moving him in or anything like that. Its literally about a social event where it makes no sense for him to drive back an hour.

And actually it sounds like even if they make the arrangement that he leaves after the football DD is still going to be unhappy because "she wanted to watch it with noone else around"

I can't see how OP can have a relationship and meet her daughter's demands and that to me seems like an unnecessary situation to be in.

You're focusing in on one specific situation, but this sounds to me like she desperately needs some quality time with her mother.

In terms of the general point, of course the OP can give her daughter what she needs (one-to-one time and not having her mother's boyfriend staying overnight in her house) and still have a relationship. Yes, it'll be less convenient for the OP and her new boyfriend. But that's part of having children that we all signed up for when we decided to have them.

And happiness and the ability to see joy is a learned behaviour. We have numerous threads about how negativity, abuse, etc goes through generations. So does the ability to be happy.

Selfish behaviour is not a consequence of being happy or wanting to be happy. Selfish parents are selfish irrespective of their level of happiness.

In this situation there are of course all the sensitivity to consider and that includes the validity of DD and her opinions. But my post was saying that the OP was not paying lip service to this and that the dynamics are not absolutely lead by the children.

That's all.

But appreciate individual experiences might lead to different views on the situation.