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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry that I’m the other woman

179 replies

Unintentionallytheotherwoman · 07/06/2021 17:10

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought…
He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

OP posts:
me4real · 07/06/2021 23:48

I was born in Burton- pretty grim place to live. I wonder if people there have more affairs to cheer themselves up?

Not that that's any excuse.

Rejoiningperson · 07/06/2021 23:56

It’s interesting the vast majority of wives who’ve been told, are very glad that they were.

I wish someone had told me. Thank god I found out myself. And STIs are a significant worry, they are not inocuous and can do real harm if left unchecked. My Ex was cheating whilst I was pregnant and STIs could harm mother and child.

I am of the view that cheating is quite an abusive act to whoever has been cheated on. In this case the OP and the wife, as neither knew, although once she found out he was still living with his wife then she needed to have ended it then. However it’s the man who is thinking there’s no real harm. There is so much harm. The devastation it can leave. I will not get over being cheated on and it ruined my family.

BabyBearRus · 08/06/2021 00:11

So sorry this has happened to you. I really feel that his wife should know what an unfaithful bast@#£d he is. She has a right to know. Not only should she be able to make her own decision about her relationship, but she is at real risk from contracting an sti. To keep her in the dark is cruel imho.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/06/2021 00:20

@me4real

I was born in Burton- pretty grim place to live. I wonder if people there have more affairs to cheer themselves up?

Not that that's any excuse.

Nice try dear
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/06/2021 00:21

@OwlinaTree

Me too *@PyongyangKipperbang*!
That makes me feel better about my nosiness!
Journeynotdestination · 08/06/2021 00:24

Not RW is it? He’s from near there & is a serial cheat.

bluebell34567 · 08/06/2021 00:36

i havent rtft but how couldnt you understand he was married or something in 3 years.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/06/2021 01:00

I have been cheated on and I would want to know.

It is the lies, the gaslighting, the dishonesty and the feeling that you're somehow losing the plot - then you find out that yes, there IS another woman and suddenly it all makes sense, and it's not YOU, it's the loser you're with who is creating this hall of mirrors around you.

People who don't want to know like living in their hall of mirrors - they don't want them smashed.

Most people like to live in reality though.

Once one DOES know the truth, then one can make a decision regarding whether or not to carry on with the cheating partner/spouse - but, as has been said, that becomes YOUR decision and not theirs, and gives you back your own reality and your own agency, rather than being at the mercy of the cheat. Let's always remember that the cheat may decide to leave as well - which can come out of the blue for some partners/spouses!

Drop her a line with some evidence. Post it, don't talk to her. You don't need to put yourself in the firing line.

BritInAus · 08/06/2021 01:03

@Icanhearyoubutiwont

Tell his wife. Send her a very delicate message and provide some screen shots. Be upfront that you didn’t know, that you do now and you’ve ended it. If the shoe was on the other foot you’d want to know.
This. I would suggest making it extremely clear you are telling her now that you know the truth, and that because you'd want to be made aware if you were in her situation. Then leave it and block them both.
FuckUcuntychops · 08/06/2021 01:31

‘Split up but still living together’ must be one of the oldest tricks in the book.

FuckUcuntychops · 08/06/2021 01:42

I hope his next shit is a hedgehog.

1forAll74 · 08/06/2021 01:56

I would not tell the wife at all, that is so pointless. She most probably knows that he sleeps around, and that he is not trustworthy at all. Just pack him off, as a waste of space now. or you will end up with a nobody person.

me4real · 08/06/2021 02:01

She most probably knows that he sleeps around, and that he is not trustworthy at all.

@1forAll74 That's unlikely I think. Most people don't just shrug when their husband cheats on them. We see all the time on this board women being shocked and gutted when finding out about their partner's affair etc, about which they had no idea.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 08/06/2021 05:51

@1forAll74

I would not tell the wife at all, that is so pointless. She most probably knows that he sleeps around, and that he is not trustworthy at all. Just pack him off, as a waste of space now. or you will end up with a nobody person.
Er what? The Op didn’t know he was married for 3 years. What makes you think the wife does? And even if the wife does have some idea there’s very little she can do unless he ( or the Op) tell her the truth. People don’t end marriages because they have vague suspicions. The wife needs proof or honesty.
moita · 08/06/2021 06:12

If you tell his wife then definitely block them both: you don't know how she wilm react.

A friend once told a colleague's wife that they'd be having an affair (no idea he was married to begin with). The wife laughed and said that's what her husband was like Confused

Original poster
Unintentionallytheotherwoman · 08/06/2021 08:04

Thanks to all those sending messages of support.

I’m still not sure what to do. I think I just need some time to process what has happened and be able to think clearly. At the moment I have moments of anger then real sadness and feel so stupid and gullible.

OP posts:
savethatkitty01 · 08/06/2021 08:05

I'd tell the wife. Are you sure after 3 years there weren't red flags or other suspicious behaviour you chose to ignore?

Icanhearyoubutiwont · 08/06/2021 08:24

Time to process is a good idea @Unintentionallytheotherwoman. You’ve been betrayed by him too

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/06/2021 08:30

@savethatkitty01

I'd tell the wife. Are you sure after 3 years there weren't red flags or other suspicious behaviour you chose to ignore?
What's the point of this comment? Are you just choosing to flagellate the OP because she somehow "should have known" that her boyfriend was actively married still? Nice bit of victim blaming there. Angry
PegasusReturns · 08/06/2021 08:52

I’m telling you right now, I would not want to be told by some bitter OW

@FierceBarrie of course most people would prefer to be told by a friend but often that’s not an option. If the choice is a call from the OW v not k owing at all then I think most people would want to know .

dottiedodah · 08/06/2021 09:12

TBH I would just dump and run really.People on here saying you should tell his wife.She probably has a sense something is wrong anyway.If you tell her you run the risk of her blaming you as well.Have a bit of a break then look for someone more suitable

Phoenix121 · 08/06/2021 09:34

Sorry that you've been played, OP.

I can understand you feeling stupid and gullible, but you should turn that around to realise that you're a trusting person. Please don't lose that quality just because of the poor choices he's made.

As for informing his wife, she is being played just as you were, but she presumably doesn't know. If he managed to keep you in the dark for such a long time, he can obviously manage it with her too. Just as you deserved to know his marital status, his wife deserves to know that he has broken his vows. As long as you feel safe in the knowledge that there won't be repercussions for you, perhaps you could find a way of letting her know?

He took you to his marital home? That's disgusting, but you know the address, presumably?

Whyhello · 08/06/2021 09:37

I’d tell his wife but be prepared to be shot down in flames, the messenger is rarely ever thanked. It might make you feel better to let her know though, show her evidence you have (messages, photos with him including dates to show how long you have been together). She might choose to stay with him because lord knows, enough women do but at least she won’t be ignorant to his philandering ways.

Block him and try to move on. He’s a total bastard, sorry this happened to you.

billy1966 · 08/06/2021 09:50

3 years he has been messing around on his wife?

Hell yes, I'd want to know.

GreyEyedWitch · 08/06/2021 09:53

Surely any sane person would want to know if their DH is cheating? I would much prefer the OW telling me rather than being left for weeks, months, years or even a lifetime not knowing the truth about my DH. Life is short and precious. She is wasting hers with a selfish little man.