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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry that I’m the other woman

179 replies

Unintentionallytheotherwoman · 07/06/2021 17:10

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought…
He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

OP posts:
PotassiumChloride · 07/06/2021 20:09

End it with him, crack on with your life and don’t give any further thought.

Livelovebehappy · 07/06/2021 20:10

2ndtimemum2 nope. I wouldn’t want to find out from some random stranger. We all know what would happen. OP would tell wife her DH was messing around. Dw would confront DH. DH would insist that op was a crazy stalker who fancies him, and was doing this out of spite and jealousy. Unless op has a bag full of proof and info which she is prepared to share with his DW, then I doubt the wife will take it seriously.

PomegranateQueen · 07/06/2021 20:11

This! Or they're the OW and don't/didn't have the guts to do the right thing and tell the wife.

I have been cheated on, I have never cheated myself or been the OW.
I have been a child caught in the middle of a hideous divorce as a result of my DF cheating with multiple women. I trust DH, I am happy, my DCs are happy. If I found out DH was cheating I would feel like I would have no choice but to end the relationship as things would never be the same. Honestly I would rather not know, I would especially not want to find out from the OW.

Some women would turn nasty towards the other women, it's relatively easy to find a lot of information on OP and cause trouble for her. This man could also turn very nasty. OP is a victim in all of this as well. Why should she risk her own safety, reputation etc etc for a woman she has never met?

WeAllHaveWings · 07/06/2021 20:13

If dh was cheating I would want to know and I wouldn't care if the OW was telling me out of concern or revenge, in the bigger picture it wouldn't really matter.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/06/2021 20:13

I don't see why he should get away with going through life lying and cheating. If OP wants to drop him in the shit with his wife, that's her prerogative. So long as she tells the wife in as kind a way as possible I don't think it's wrong to tell. People should know what's going on in their own lives imo. Personally, I'd want to know.

gabsalot · 07/06/2021 20:15

wow people love blaming the ow for a husband cheating

yeah course she broke up the family not him-ffs

An0n0n0n · 07/06/2021 20:15

To anyone saying don't tell the wife...would you really not want to know your husband has been having a 3 year affair? Sorry, another affair!

Scrambledcustard · 07/06/2021 20:17

Tell his wife.

My Exs "girlfriend' rang me. I was in shock for a while but I would have believed his bullshit if she hadn't. Im glad she did as I finally got the true measure of him

3scape · 07/06/2021 20:19

I would relay the information. Everyone deserves to be able to decide for themselves and to full information about a relationship they are in and are making life affecting decisions because of. Screenshots, maybe photos of the cheating bastard with date/ location info - particularly if it would have taken a bit of lieing to a partner , nothing very explicit - enough to be clear cheating happened. Maybe an email you don't use often for if they want to ask anything else but be clear you're not looking to be involved in the mess and you're walking away.

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/06/2021 20:26

Of course you should tell his wife. She deserves to know and you will feel avenged.

Zoinksalot · 07/06/2021 20:29

@squirrelFan why wouldn't you want to know your partner is cheating on you???

Obviously not an open relationship if the third party and wife arent aware...

Nocutenamesleft · 07/06/2021 20:32

Ooh.

This happened to me! Met a guy. Totally fell head over heels. Found out some 8 years later he was married. He was my first ever boyfriend I was so naive.

Hey ho. It’s been 20 odd years. He’s still with his wife. I wanted to tell her. I never did. I couldn’t bring myself too. It turns out she knew anyway. Not that it was me as such. But that he was having an affair.

PurrBox · 07/06/2021 20:39

Please tell her. I was the wife, and I would have been so grateful to you.

MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 20:45

This! Or they're the OW and don't/didn't have the guts to do the right thing and tell the wife.

More nonsense. It’s not about having guts. Telling her because of revenge is the wrong thing to do. Which is what the OP wants. This woman could have anything going on in her life, and people think hearing from the OW is in her own best interests? Rubbish.

my spider senses were alerted, so I became a PI !!!

And if it were so easy for you to find out there have been women other than you, it would be just as easy for his wife to have done the same.

KevinTheGoat · 07/06/2021 20:45

Tell her. She needs to know just what she's married to.

Icanhearyoubutiwont · 07/06/2021 20:47

If OP has proof then how can she branded a crazy stalker? All you need is a few screen shots of messages, hopefully explicit from his phone number & it’s fairly hard then to deny that. Tell her anonymously if it makes you feel better OP (just make a new gmail account or something)

frankenpoodle · 07/06/2021 20:48

I'm in the "Tell Her!!" camp. She deserves to know what her husband's been up to so she can make an informed decision about whether or not to stay with him.

It won't be easy for her to hear, unless she already knows and is completely fine with it (in which case it won't matter anyway), and there's no nice way to find out your husband's a scummy cheater, but it's better to know the truth.

Icanhearyoubutiwont · 07/06/2021 20:49

And I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. Ignore the people saying it’s you’re fault & that you’ve been naive. If you’re a trusting person & he’s a lying, cheating, manipulative twat who has form for previous affairs (so he knows what to say and how to cover his tracks) then it’s easy to see how this has happened. You and his wife are both victims.

NC276 · 07/06/2021 20:51

@Icanhearyoubutiwont

If OP has proof then how can she branded a crazy stalker? All you need is a few screen shots of messages, hopefully explicit from his phone number & it’s fairly hard then to deny that. Tell her anonymously if it makes you feel better OP (just make a new gmail account or something)
Yes! I did ask the OW for proof as I knew he would deny, deny, deny. She sent me screenshots of messages which were clearly from his number with the dates attached to them. She also sent me pictures of their "dates". Honestly, in no way did I blame her. Don't get me wrong I'm not best mates with her but it wasn't her fault that he was a lying, manipulative twat face.
sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/06/2021 20:51

Yes I have been the cheated on partner. No I haven't been the other woman. And one of the worst things for me was a feeling of total humiliation. I didn't want people to know he was a cheater because I felt it somehow reflected on me. It was relatively easy to catch him out, subtle changes in his behaviour, coming home smelling of shower gel we didn't use etc. But I would have been totally mortified if anybody had said anything to me. It took me so so long to stop wondering and imagining everybody was talking about me behind my back, maybe laughing at me, feeling sorry for me whatever. I didn't want it. I wanted to be allowed to lick my wounds and heal in my own time. I didn't want everyone telling me he was a scumbag because it just made me feel bloody stupid for falling in love with a scumbag. So no I wouldn't want to be responsible for making another woman feel like that.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/06/2021 20:55

Can anyone else remember the website from about 15 years ago where you could put photos and the name of your ex boyfriend up and warn other women not to date them?

AllDoneIn · 07/06/2021 20:58

Absolutely tell his wife. I would 100% want to know.

Original poster
Unintentionallytheotherwoman · 07/06/2021 20:59

I don’t feel like I want revenge on his wife. I feel incredibly sorry for his wife and kids and I also feel sad for myself.

OP posts:
FierceBarrie · 07/06/2021 21:03

I’m telling you right now, I would not want to be told by some bitter OW.

I would want to be told by a good friend, who had my best interests at heart, and who was going to be there - as a friend - to support me. Support me while telling me, AND afterwards, with all the inevitable fall out.

Do people really not see the difference between those two two scenarios? Confused

People urging the silly OP to tell the wife are being so cavalier with people’s lives and well-being.

You have absolutely no idea as to people’s personal preferences, what they may or may not already know, what else may be going on for them, what real-life support they may or may not have access to, etc, etc, etc.

You have no right to make such a choice for a person, or to counsel complete strangers to act out your individual preference in this scenario.

NC276 · 07/06/2021 21:03

@Unintentionallytheotherwoman

I don’t feel like I want revenge on his wife. I feel incredibly sorry for his wife and kids and I also feel sad for myself.
This isn't your fault OP. You may have been naive and you may have dismissed red flags, but I think a lot of us have in the past. It's 100% on him. I think all you can do is put yourself in his wife's position? Would you want to know? I'm guessing probably yes. Tell her with kindness, and tell her if she wants proof you can send it Flowers.
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