Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry that I’m the other woman

179 replies

Unintentionallytheotherwoman · 07/06/2021 17:10

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought…
He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

OP posts:
MissM94 · 07/06/2021 18:15

I had a magaluf one night stand in 2018, tells me where he works.. come home, manage to track him down on social media - he has given me a fake name, had a girlfriend, mortgage & a dog and has since proposed to the girlfriend!
He was from Leeds and worked for a train company 😂

thenewduchessofhastings · 07/06/2021 18:16

Ignore those who are saying you've been gullible etc;men with a secret to hide can be real sneaky shites;there's another thread on here where a poor women in her mid 60's is caring for her DH in his early 70's with Alzheimer's disease and has very recently discovered for a 10 year period during their 40+ years of marriage the sneaky b***d had been having an affair with a much younger woman.

I feel for this man's wife.She has a right to know;3 years is a long time but what she choses to go with that information is up to her.Some women choose to turn the other cheek or like my friend who forgave her cheating ExH several times;the very last OW was the straw that broke the camels back and she finally divorced him.

You deserve better than him;in fact both you and his wife do.

I sincerely hope you meet someone else who'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/06/2021 18:17

No you shouldn't tell his wife. If you found this out by following him, you are going to be branded a crazy stalker and she may not believe you. Walk away and don't look back

LivingInThe80s · 07/06/2021 18:22

@sweeneytoddsrazor

No you shouldn't tell his wife. If you found this out by following him, you are going to be branded a crazy stalker and she may not believe you. Walk away and don't look back
It doesn't matter how she 'looks', if she has proof. She shouldn't walk away, that is selfish and cruel. Women owe it to each other. To say walk away and don't look back is incredibly bad advice.
FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 18:26

The time to get in touch with anyone is before you get together. If the ex-wife confirms they are no longer an item, you will know that all is good.

Sorry this has happened to you.

SquirrelFan · 07/06/2021 18:35

I would not want to know! You don't know the circumstances of her life. If there's no health reasons (std) to tell her, then don't. Just live an amazing life without the creep.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 07/06/2021 18:43

Sorry OP
I am one for 'I would want to know'
I would want it done gently, not a 'yh your husband is a cheat etc'
But a gentle letter, message to say 'I am so sorry, I have been having somewhat of a relationship for 3 years. I genuinely thought he was single however, I have found out you are with him. Rest assured I have finished it as I have never wanted to split anybody up and would not have contemplated a sexual relationship knowing he was married. I am sorry you are finding out like this. If you need further information I understand and I will tell u anything you need/want to know. Unless you get back in touch with me I will not contact you again and I certainly will not have any contact with X'
Then ignore all his calls and messaged. Don't reply at all.

Whyknotwhatknot · 07/06/2021 18:47

I would want o know if you have proof tell her

itsureis · 07/06/2021 18:48

I would tell him to tell her or you will.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/06/2021 18:49

Why is it bad advice @LivingInThe80s?
OP doesn't owe anybody anything, if as she says she had no idea. Why would she want to risk unnecessary stress and drama for herself on top of the pain of a break up. The wife may already know, she may wish to live in blissful ignorance, she may wish to blame the OP and give her a slap. Far too many different scenarios. The only thing that needs to concern the OP is herself and walking away is the most dignified least stressful option

MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 18:49

I’m another saying tell the wife ,I would want to know.

Out of the blue, probably over SM or text from the woman who’d been fucking your husband.

You’d want that?

Hotcuppatea · 07/06/2021 18:51

I would want to know.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 07/06/2021 18:51

@MintyMabel

I’m another saying tell the wife ,I would want to know.

Out of the blue, probably over SM or text from the woman who’d been fucking your husband.

You’d want that?

But really, nobody really wants their husband having sex with anybody else. That would kind of be the biggest issue for me. Not the SM or text.
partyatthepalace · 07/06/2021 18:53

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna

Sorry OP I am one for 'I would want to know' I would want it done gently, not a 'yh your husband is a cheat etc' But a gentle letter, message to say 'I am so sorry, I have been having somewhat of a relationship for 3 years. I genuinely thought he was single however, I have found out you are with him. Rest assured I have finished it as I have never wanted to split anybody up and would not have contemplated a sexual relationship knowing he was married. I am sorry you are finding out like this. If you need further information I understand and I will tell u anything you need/want to know. Unless you get back in touch with me I will not contact you again and I certainly will not have any contact with X' Then ignore all his calls and messaged. Don't reply at all.
Sorry you have experienced this OP. Bin him now. I wouldn’t personally tell his wife, because I tend to suspect in cases like these wives often know but choose not to register it, and I wouldn’t want to fuck some innocent woman’s life up.

But if you’d defiantly want to know in her shoes and feel you owe her honestly then this is a good template.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 07/06/2021 18:57

Think about their children in this, they are innocent and I would not want to be the reason why their family screwed up their childhood.

2ndtimemum2 · 07/06/2021 19:00

@SquirrelFan

I would not want to know! You don't know the circumstances of her life. If there's no health reasons (std) to tell her, then don't. Just live an amazing life without the creep.
Usually the ones who don't want to know are the ones who's husbands are cheating and in their gut they know they just choose to ignore it and live in blissful ignorance.

Op only you can decide what you want to do...if you were the wife would you want to know?

LivingInThe80s · 07/06/2021 19:01

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Why is it bad advice *@LivingInThe80s*? OP doesn't owe anybody anything, if as she says she had no idea. Why would she want to risk unnecessary stress and drama for herself on top of the pain of a break up. The wife may already know, she may wish to live in blissful ignorance, she may wish to blame the OP and give her a slap. Far too many different scenarios. The only thing that needs to concern the OP is herself and walking away is the most dignified least stressful option
All women owe it to tell other women the truth, @sweeneytoddsrazor . That's just basic common decency. Considering the health, the stress etc on the wife. The wife most likely does not know. And how the wife reacts after finding out is on her, and is not relevant. But she, as a woman, and a human being, DESERVES to know the truth, THAT, is the most dignified and most decent and honourable thing to do. Not saying anything is gutless and dishonourable. It is cruel and selfish and low.
2ndtimemum2 · 07/06/2021 19:01

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

Think about their children in this, they are innocent and I would not want to be the reason why their family screwed up their childhood.
But she is not the reason the husbands actions are and its the husband at fault not anyone else
LivingInThe80s · 07/06/2021 19:03

@MintyMabel

I’m another saying tell the wife ,I would want to know.

Out of the blue, probably over SM or text from the woman who’d been fucking your husband.

You’d want that?

Whats the alternative, @MintyMabel ? The wife lives a lie? Possibly risks her life due to an STI?

What is the alternative?

LivingInThe80s · 07/06/2021 19:04

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

Think about their children in this, they are innocent and I would not want to be the reason why their family screwed up their childhood.
Um, the HUSBAND is the reason why their family would be screwed up in childhood. Not the OP. Stop the woman-blaming.
NC276 · 07/06/2021 19:05

Please tell the wife. The OW contacted me, he obviously denied it but she had screenshots of millions of messages and photos of them together. She wasn't as innocent as you (she knew) but I still appreciated being able to get an STD test and also kicking him out.

puguin86 · 07/06/2021 19:06

Another vote for telling her

I would definitely want to know - with proof so he couldn't deny it and so I could take him for everything

MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 19:08

Whats the alternative, @MintyMabel ? The wife lives a lie? Possibly risks her life due to an STI

Hyperbole much?

The alternative is that they are left to their own relationship and whatever will be will be.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 07/06/2021 19:10

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

Think about their children in this, they are innocent and I would not want to be the reason why their family screwed up their childhood.
From a child of a parent who cheated, trust me it was better the other parent found out. Mum and dad were horrific together. I now have amazing parents. Ok my step parent was the affair but things were better for us. My step parent is a wonderful grandparent to my children. I even forgive my parent and step parent for the affair. They were amazing to us growing up too. My parent who was cheated on is now happy and we grew up in a happy home from when they split. It took them finding out about the affair to break away. It isn't always horrific when parents split. I wouldn't have had it any other way. The parent who was cheated on was sad and distraught...but ask them now and they would say best thing that had happened to them as it was an excuse to get out.

Ok, so I was lucky...but it isn't always 'breaking up a happy family'

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 07/06/2021 19:11

Oh, @IAmDaveTheSerialShagger love the name by the way, Is this from recent thread?

Swipe left for the next trending thread