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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry that I’m the other woman

179 replies

Unintentionallytheotherwoman · 07/06/2021 17:10

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought…
He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 07/06/2021 19:12

OP does his name start with an L 😂 Been in the same situation few years back 😂

LivingInThe80s · 07/06/2021 19:13

@MintyMabel

Whats the alternative, @MintyMabel ? The wife lives a lie? Possibly risks her life due to an STI

Hyperbole much?

The alternative is that they are left to their own relationship and whatever will be will be.

How is it hyperbole, when it's the truth? Did it not occur to you that women can get HPV for example, which can be a lifelong sti that affects your reproductive organs? I know of a woman who was cheated on who got HPV from her cheating husband.

She is now infertile and recently got cancer from it.

I think you honestly have no idea how serious this all is. It's not hyperbole, and it's not a joke.

Your attitude is rather selfish and cruel. It's cowardly and not honourable at all. All women owe each other the truth. No matter what.

Toottooot · 07/06/2021 19:16

When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

Did you still carry on seeing him once you initially found this out? Zero sympathy from me if you did.

TillyTopper · 07/06/2021 19:18

That's horrible OP, sorry you are going through this. Personally I think you need to block him and move on. I wouldn't start any drama with his wife.

Helloandhelloagain · 07/06/2021 19:20

The wife may not be niave and may already know . Like you say not his first affair. Men think they’re clever and that their wives don’t know . They may not in which case do as you wish but there are children involved and you don’t know her or the circumstances. I’d of been suspicious after 6 months . Generally people turn a blind eye to things they actually don’t wish to know / see or confront for the fear of it being true. This could apply in your situation as well as the wife’s .

jellybeansforbreakfast · 07/06/2021 19:23

The alternative is that they are left to their own relationship and whatever will be will be. Having been the one to tell a good freind about her OPs philandering (2 sisters each with a kid by him and others I was only slightly aware of), what usually happens is that the cheated upon woman feels devastated an inutterably stupid. The longer an affair, or number of affairs, the more stupid she feels. She loses all of her self confidence, it takes years for her to put herself back together again, to be a fully functioning individual.

So, much as I hated to be the one to tell her, and to lose her friendship for a few years, both of us came to the same decision, she had to know.

I can't imagine ot telling, or not wanting to be told. we, women and society, rattle on about informed consent, yet so many seem to think that affairs are somehow exempt from this!

StarCourt · 07/06/2021 19:26

OP there's an FB site called Plenty of Pricks. You can put him on there

PomegranateQueen · 07/06/2021 19:31

FFS, stop with the sexist bullshit, OP does not 'owe' the wife a thing just because they are both female. For every person that would want to know if there partners are cheating, there will be another who does not. If OP genuinely did not know what this man was up to, why should she risk trouble with the wife or her (hopefully) STBEx? The whole situation has the potential to get really nasty for OP if she spills the beans.

If the husband gives the wife an STD then that is HIS fault.

C0nstance · 07/06/2021 19:32

God these shitheads make me see red. It was hard enough to meet somebody without all the cheaters clogging up your chance of meeting somebody actually single. The entitlement of these men. I'd be tempted to name him OP. Can you get in legal trouble if it's TRUE?

Moonface123 · 07/06/2021 19:33

I can understand you being angry and hurt with him, but l would walk away.
In time you will not feel like you do now, he intentionally set out to deceive the pair of you, you went into the relationship in good faith. His true colours are ugly and you deserve a lot better. You will move on to someone much better.

2ndtimemum2 · 07/06/2021 19:33

@MintyMabel

Whats the alternative, @MintyMabel ? The wife lives a lie? Possibly risks her life due to an STI

Hyperbole much?

The alternative is that they are left to their own relationship and whatever will be will be.

But it is no longer his relationship he brought another woman into it so its no longer a partnership. The op knows the truth and now she has the information to make a decision. The husband made a choice to have an affair the only one who can't make a decision is the wife. She deserves the information so she can decide what she wants to do
C0nstance · 07/06/2021 19:33

@StarCourt

OP there's an FB site called Plenty of Pricks. You can put him on there
Ha ha that's hilarious. Geez, I could contribute a few names to that site but I won't bother.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/06/2021 19:34

Three years. Wow. What a weapons grade bastard.

Livelovebehappy · 07/06/2021 19:36

If I was his wife I wouldn’t want the ow telling me he was messing around tbh. You won’t be doing it from a good place, but from a place of revenge. I don’t think you care that his dw is being cheated on, it’s kind of all about you, and what makes you feel better.

motogogo · 07/06/2021 19:37

I'd want to know but it's possible she's aware he's a cheat but she has a good life so turns the other way

2ndtimemum2 · 07/06/2021 19:38

@Livelovebehappy

If I was his wife I wouldn’t want the ow telling me he was messing around tbh. You won’t be doing it from a good place, but from a place of revenge. I don’t think you care that his dw is being cheated on, it’s kind of all about you, and what makes you feel better.
So you'd be happy living in blissful ignorance shill your husband was having affairs behind your back?
MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 19:39

But it is no longer his relationship he brought another woman into it so its no longer a partnership

Their relationship is their business. It isn’t any of the OP’s business. Not her place to try and absolve herself of feeling guilt by unloading on his wife.

It isn’t up to her or you to decide what she wants or deserves.

PegasusReturns · 07/06/2021 19:41

I’d want to know.

Finding our from Facebook/MN/or any other means would be painful but so much better to know than not.

Who wants to be taken for a fool?!

riceuten · 07/06/2021 19:42

@Unintentionallytheotherwoman

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought… He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

Ha, every married man says this. Or says "we live in the same house but don't sleep together". Or says "We sleep together but we don't make love".

Just leave and cut him off with your dignity still intact

Keepyourdistance000 · 07/06/2021 19:42

Does he live in West Sussex by any chance, work at a large company and have lots of female 'friends'?

Blossomtoes · 07/06/2021 19:44

@PomegranateQueen

LTB and move on with your life. Don't get yourself into the messy business of telling his wife. So sorry that happened to you though, what a dick that man is.
This x 💯
C0nstance · 07/06/2021 19:46

She said he's in Burton on Trent.

There's no shortage of these assholes. I always laugh when posters say ''oh are his initials SJ?'' Like this brainfuckwittery is RARE

Sally2791 · 07/06/2021 19:46

Keepyourdistance could you give initials?

NC276 · 07/06/2021 19:48

I don't understand why people are saying they wouldn't want to know? Why on earth would you not want to know that your husband is having, likely unprotected, sex with someone else? Maybe she knows already, maybe the OP is doing it as revenge, but really what does that matter?! I would always want to know.

Grumblesigh · 07/06/2021 19:48

Tell her if you want to. You clearly want to. So stop dropping silly hints on here and tell the woman.