So angry that I’m the other woman

[Unintentionallytheotherwoman]

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought…
He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

Your attitude is rather selfish and cruel. It's cowardly and not honourable at all. All women owe each other the truth. No matter what.

We don’t. We really don’t. We owe women enough respect to believe they are capable of having their own relationships and making their own decisions.

know of a woman who was cheated on who got HPV from her cheating husband.

Unless she was entirely celibate prior to him, she could have got it from anyone. It can lie dormant for a long time. But unless the OP has the raging clap, an STI is not a reason to tell the wife.

Having been the one to tell a good freind about her OPs philandering

Telling a good friend is an entirely different situation.

@Keepyourdistance000
No he’s from Burton upon Trent

@StarCourt
Ha I’ve never heard of that. Can you send me the link. I may know several dicks on it 🤣

Sorry can’t remember who asked but after he told me that they’d split up but still living together, my spider senses were alerted, so I became a PI !!!

I had been to his house. I never stayed over but he’d cooked me dinner etc. I didn’t meet any of his friends. I thought he didn’t have many. Which also should have been a red flag.

Lots of red flags now I’m looking back but I really liked him and the sex was amazing

Ok so everyone who would tell the wife or thinks the wife has a right to know, if you found out your son was cheating on his wife would you tell her? If you found your brother was cheating would you tell your SIL. What if the sexes were reversed and it was your daughter or sister cheating would you tell their partners?

@NC276

I don't understand why people are saying they wouldn't want to know? Why on earth would you not want to know that your husband is having, likely unprotected, sex with someone else? Maybe she knows already, maybe the OP is doing it as revenge, but really what does that matter?! I would always want to know.

I wouldn’t want to know. I’d be bloody angry if someone told me. If it was the OW I’d be incandescent. We’re all doing different.

OP I have been in a similar situation when I was much younger (though I was only with him for 6 months).

I told his fiancee via a FB message. She didn't believe me, called me names, he convinced her that I was just a 'crazy stalker'. It felt horrible and I was so angry that he had gotten away scott free and I was the one left feeling hurt.

But they never did end up getting married and he is with some other poor women now so I guess she saw sense in the end.

I still would want to know if it were my husband though.

It's not an easy choice, maybe leave it a while until you feel emotionally ready to address it. You don't want to be writing anything in hurt and anger, trust me. Evidence is also a must.

We’re all different. No idea where that stray doing came from!

Ooh I'm near there, trying to guess what the other town is now. Ashby.. Loughborough.. Tamworth..

Seriously though, he has form and will do it again. Is there a way you can let the wife know in a way that leaves it to her to contact you if she does want evidence, I'd want to know.

I think you’ve been very, very, very, very naive.

Unbelievably so. Likes his space, does he? Never met any of his friends?

Don’t throw another deeply unwitting woman under the bus to justify your foolishness.

Bin him, move on with your life and maybe cop on a bit the next time you get involved with someone.

Their marriage is none of the OP's business. All you silly Muppets saying tell the wife😦😦.
If I decided to put about a bit and the silly sod went running the the OH, I'd end the silly sod...
Bin him off, move on with your life

I simply can not believe the advice on this forum sometimes.

I can tell you as a betrayed wife, who knows many many betrayed women, we want to know.

The worst part about betrayal is realising our mental, emotional, sexual and physical health have been put at risk by the person who has most hurt us. When we find out we have our personal agency back. It hurts, omfg it hurts, it causes trauma BUT we’re back in control of our lives.

We’re often dealing with strange behaviours, gaslighting, absent behaviours which we blame on ourselves, we over compensate. Knowing what we’re dealing with changes that entirely. It’s freeing.

I have yet to meet someone who didn’t want to know, no matter what our outcomes are at least we’re not living a lie anymore.

OP please find a way of compassionately telling his wife then walk away.

I can only guess that the voices shouting walk away have never experienced betrayal.

@Blossomtoes may I ask why you'd be angry if someone told you? Not meaning to be goady, genuinely curious as to why you wouldn't want to know?

@Ladybug123

I simply can not believe the advice on this forum sometimes.

I can tell you as a betrayed wife, who knows many many betrayed women, we want to know.

The worst part about betrayal is realising our mental, emotional, sexual and physical health have been put at risk by the person who has most hurt us. When we find out we have our personal agency back. It hurts, omfg it hurts, it causes trauma BUT we’re back in control of our lives.

We’re often dealing with strange behaviours, gaslighting, absent behaviours which we blame on ourselves, we over compensate. Knowing what we’re dealing with changes that entirely. It’s freeing.

I have yet to meet someone who didn’t want to know, no matter what our outcomes are at least we’re not living a lie anymore.

OP please find a way of compassionately telling his wife then walk away.

This is very true. Maybe that's why I said I'd want to know. Because I've experienced it first hand.

@Ladybug123

I can only guess that the voices shouting walk away have never experienced betrayal.

This! Or they're the OW and don't/didn't have the guts to do the right thing and tell the wife.

Ignore those who are saying you've been gullible etc;men with a secret to hide can be real sneaky shites
This.

Tell his wife. She deserves to know so that she can decide what to do with the lying scumbag.

I always find it interesting to see these threads, where so many posters say that they'd want to know if it was their 'd'h but also that the op shouldn't tell the wife.

I do understand where they're coming from, and I'd never expect an unwitting other woman to spill the beans... But it still feels like unless he or the ex wife is likely to.react violently or dangerously, it's so unfair for the wife to be left clueless.

NC276 exactly so! I honestly know a LOT of betrayed wives and not one of them is upset they found out.

They’re upset often they didn’t find out sooner, or that those closest to them didn’t tell them but they all felt they had their personal agency back once they knew.

I’m sorry you went through it as well.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Ok so everyone who would tell the wife or thinks the wife has a right to know, if you found out your son was cheating on his wife would you tell her? If you found your brother was cheating would you tell your SIL. What if the sexes were reversed and it was your daughter or sister cheating would you tell their partners?

Yes!

You had no suspicions in three years? Didn’t you meet his family? His friends? Go out locally?

Did you date once a month in a basement?

I’d want to know and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would rather not know that their husband is a lying, cheating tosser. Tell her! Even if it’s anonymous! My own close friend was told anonymously and at least it gave her the choice about whether to tell him to fuck off or not! She did!

What’s with all the “women owe it to other women” bollocks? What a load of sexist crap.

The OP doesn’t owe the wife anything. And certainly not just because she’s a woman.

It wasn’t the OP who cheated on anyone, it was the husband. OP knows he’s married, and now she’s walked away.

As for the people telling the OP she’s been naive, foolish etc, did anyone read the thread recently about men who had 2nd families etc and nobody knew?

And surely people could say the wife was naive given her husband was off shagging another woman at every opportunity, but nobody would suggest that, so why is the OP in the wrong for not having known he was married?

Sweenytoddrazor yes I would tell. No one should have their personal agency stolen from them. And no one has the right to decide what is ‘best’ for a betrayed wife except the bloody wife!

@Ladybug123 you couldn't have said it more perfectly...

We’re often dealing with strange behaviours, gaslighting, absent behaviours which we blame on ourselves, we over compensate. Knowing what we’re dealing with changes that entirely. It’s freeing.

It's 100% that. I never blamed the OW. I don't believe she told me because of good intentions; she told me to get back at him but it was neither here nor there. And honestly it was a relief to know I wasn't completely losing my mind.

I have never heard or read a happy story that starts with “we started out as FWB”. 9/10 times “FWB” is an excuse for a man to piss women about.

I take it, your done with him? I’m not sure about telling his wife.