So angry that I’m the other woman

[Unintentionallytheotherwoman]

I’ve been seeing a man for approx 3 years. Started off pretty casual, FWB, but then we started to develop feelings for each other. Or so I thought…
He’s always liked his own space and this kind of suited me but now I’ve recently found out he's a married man. When confronted he said they had split but still living together. I believed that for awhile but I’ve been digging around and it seems they are not split up at all and I am not his first affair.

AIBU to want to out him to his wife? Could I put his name on here to warn other woman?! 🤣. I presume that isn’t allowed!!!!!

What a dick. I think the wife deserves to know but you should first try to process it properly and come to terms with it so that you are thinking clearly when you tell her.

It might be that she doesn't want to know and you could put out feelers, but basically if your partner is cheating and lying it messes up your intuition, whereas once you know for sure you can go back and make sense of things so that the next time you are confident to trust your intuition. So if truth and intuition is important to someone, they'd probably want to know. That is put really badly, but hopefully it will make sense. An ex was unfaithful, I was sure but he kept denying it and getting angry and gaslighting, and I doubted my sanity. Eventually I said i thought he had lied and finished with him. He said "i don't want to lose you, i couldn't bear to lose you - I will tell you the truth, to show how much i love you and respect you. Yes i lied about [ ] and [ ] but i didn't [ ]" and strangely i am grateful to him, because since then I have been able to totally trust my intuition. He lied about the whole lot, not just about [ ] and [ ] obviously.

Tell the wife. I was the wife, no one told me. I genuinely had no idea. All the 'the wife probably knows but is turning a blind eye' crap is quite hurtful. Men (or women) who have affairs are usually accomplished liars, and very convincing. If someone had told me I would have made very different decisions with respect to my life. Not had kids with him for example. Not given up my career. Not moved away from where we first lived, to an area with poor transport and very few job opportunities. Those were all big decisions made on the basis I had a stable marriage.

Please tell her. She needs full information about the reality of her relationship so that she make informed decisions.

@Willlowbanks

Tell the wife. I was the wife, no one told me. I genuinely had no idea. All the 'the wife probably knows but is turning a blind eye' crap is quite hurtful. Men (or women) who have affairs are usually accomplished liars, and very convincing. If someone had told me I would have made very different decisions with respect to my life. Not had kids with him for example. Not given up my career. Not moved away from where we first lived, to an area with poor transport and very few job opportunities. Those were all big decisions made on the basis I had a stable marriage.

Please tell her. She needs full information about the reality of her relationship so that she make informed decisions.

I can see from that stance, the dw needs to know.

Tell his wife. I would definitely want to know.

Tell his wife and kick him to the curb

I’d say 99.9% of men who are still living with their GF/wife but say they are ‘separated’ are complete liars. Also it’s almost always way easier to leave being the man usually non main carer. So why hasn’t he left?!

I’d want to know.
But it’s completely up to you though. There’s definitely no right or wrong answer, just consequences. Telling her will have consequences; not telling her will have consequences.

I really don't understand other human being sometimes.

I can understand the motivations of the cheating H (selfishness, basically) better than people who say don't tell the wife.

WTF not? Wouldn't you want to know? I sure as hell would.

She only has one life and deserves a chance at happiness, not to be living a lie and be unknowingly at risk of STDs.

If it was me, I couldn't care less if the wife hated me, it's the right thing to do, this has been going on years it's not a fucking accident.

100% tell her. She deserves to know.
I'm sorry this awful man has wasted your time.

@Willlowbanks

Tell the wife. I was the wife, no one told me. I genuinely had no idea. All the 'the wife probably knows but is turning a blind eye' crap is quite hurtful. Men (or women) who have affairs are usually accomplished liars, and very convincing. If someone had told me I would have made very different decisions with respect to my life. Not had kids with him for example. Not given up my career. Not moved away from where we first lived, to an area with poor transport and very few job opportunities. Those were all big decisions made on the basis I had a stable marriage.

Please tell her. She needs full information about the reality of her relationship so that she make informed decisions.

Yes, this.

And I'm sorry that happened to you Willlowbanks. I hope things are improving now?

@sweeneytoddsrazor .
Yes I would tell them .

I wouldn't tell the wife, she might go in to shoot the messenger mode, so might he!
I would just end it and drop right off his radar, then maybe expose him later at my leisure

She deserves to know
she does, even so you might be putting your arm into a hornets nest

Interested to read Livinginthe80s post. Infertility from HPV? That’s quite unusual. How unfortunate for both that and cervical cancer to be the outcome for the same person, and for the only possible source to be an incident of infidelity.

I’d talk to someone IRL and work through your feelings before considering whether to raise it with his wife.

It’s not true that women ‘owe other women’ we’re not in a secret society, and the guff about being dishonorable and low could equally apply to the kind of person who tells a spouse out of entirely selfish motives with no thought or care for anyone involved.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

What a loser

I wish people had told me when they sort of thought I sort of knew...There was no point I wasn't cheated on and now I'll never know how many times or with how many people...

In your shoes, I don't know if I'd tell the wife. I would want to, for closure for myself. Because refusal to keep his secret would mean treating the two of them as a unit and it is right to treat them as one unit. What one knows, both should know. Which the husband didn't do.

Send incontrovertible evidence, then block both on all platforms, after saying no further contact welcome?

@MissTrip82

Interested to read Livinginthe80s post. Infertility from HPV? That’s quite unusual. How unfortunate for both that and cervical cancer to be the outcome for the same person, and for the only possible source to be an incident of infidelity.

I’d talk to someone IRL and work through your feelings before considering whether to raise it with his wife.

It’s not true that women ‘owe other women’ we’re not in a secret society, and the guff about being dishonorable and low could equally apply to the kind of person who tells a spouse out of entirely selfish motives with no thought or care for anyone involved.

Hpv can cause infertility due to the loop diathermy you need when you get CIN 2 and 3. I have just had this and they mentioned infertility.

Those saying they wouldn't want to know, are you saying ignorance is bliss? Genuine question as I would want to know because my 'bliss' would be a lie.

I live in Burton and am wondering if I know him! Just out of sheer nosiness :o

Poor wife.
What a prick.
If not practicing safe sex then STI check and dump the lying shite

@Unintentionallytheotherwoman
Does his name begin with an O?

Me too @PyongyangKipperbang!

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

Think about their children in this, they are innocent and I would not want to be the reason why their family screwed up their childhood.

You wouldn't be, he would be

Having been a wife that’s been cheated on, I think you must tell his wife if he hasn’t.

I would tell his wife. She has a right to know what's happening in her own life so she can make informed decisions about how she wants to spend her future.