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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting out of the British Army early?

262 replies

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 14:53

What is the likelihood of getting out of the British army before the four year period is up?

Does anybody have any experience with this or know anybody who has tried and been successful?

Tia

OP posts:
Brefugee · 08/06/2021 07:06

I'm still quite aghast, reading OPs posts, that this apparently mature person managed to join the army thinking he would be able to pick and choose where he went and if he would be deployed or not.

We had a few of this type in our TA lot when the Kuwait thing kicked off. Couldn't get out quick enough when they realised they might actually be called to do some soldiering rather than just weekend pissups and a bit of money.

I personally feel it is unfair he has to stay when things do change in peoples lives and people end up in crisis situations.

"unfair". Again. This. Is. The. Army. And they do (now) recognise that people can have complex relationships and needs. AFAIK they try to weed these out in the recruiting process, but of course things can happen after you join up. It's not a 9 to 5 with a regular employer when you can jack it in, work your 2 weeks notice and shove off.

So what your friend needs to do is make summary of the reasons he wants to / has to leave asap, and follow up with the welfare side of things.

MangosteenSoda · 08/06/2021 07:09

I suggest you stop putting pressure on him while he seeks mental health/medical support through the appropriate channels. It sounds like he’s barely scratched the surface of seeking help.

Sorry if that sounds brutal, but just repeating that the army should really let him go is neither here nor there. The army has its processes and your DP (I assume) will be subject to those the same as every other recruit.

loginfail · 08/06/2021 07:12

I'm still quite aghast, reading OPs posts, that this apparently mature person managed to join the army thinking he would be able to pick and choose where he went and if he would be deployed or not

Same here..

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 08/06/2021 08:08

[quote alixxx1]@motogogo do you know how generous the compassionate leave is? How long he could expect? [/quote]
Compassionate leave can be 4 weeks, but it isnt granted lightly.

Horehound · 08/06/2021 08:14

I'm at a loss on how to help or what to do.

You stop pressuring him. It's you doing it, it's bit the person with Parkinson's! He won't be able to do much for them, they need care.
You need to support your husband, tell him he just needs time with his new colleagues to bond.dobt slag off the army, calling it unfair etc etc
He chose to sign up. Now he's got to do it

HerMammy · 08/06/2021 08:32

Looking at OPs posts; if this her DH, I’m
thinking she wants him home, about to go in maternity leave , buying a puppy, work hassles etc, the poor guy must be under pressure from all of this too. His family are the ones being ridiculous, any other job would they expect him just to leave??

ExtraFirmHold · 08/06/2021 08:54

Honestly military life isn't for everyone. He and his partner have to accept this way of life or it will never work. Its tough and shit when they're told things will be a certain way and then those things change. It's part of it though and the need for everybody to adapt to quick changing circumstances is paramount.
If he really wants to get out, he needs to go through his chain of command and not drop the issues, he needs to pester them and not let them forget he has a problem that needs solving. Simultaneously he needs to go to the welfare officer and push with them too. However he can still be denied his request and be made to finish his term.
It does baffle me how he thought he wouldn't have to deploy anywhere and would sit in his home base for years at a time, that doesn't really happen. It's made very clear to them at basic training that the job comes first, they will do everything they can to make sure their family lives are as good as they can be, but at the end of the day if the army says jump they jump.

Horehound · 08/06/2021 08:56

Totally agree @HerMammy I think it's pretty obvious!

TableFlowerss · 08/06/2021 09:18

Do to something illegal. Could you not put it down to MH? See the doctor and express how it’s negatively affecting your MH. These days that holds far more clout than it would have done previously!

TableFlowerss · 08/06/2021 09:18

dont do something illegal I mean

Silhillian · 08/06/2021 09:19

OP, it is clearly your boyfriend you are discussing.

R.e. his relative. If 24hr care has been recommended then he won’t be able to provide this himself. It is incredibly intense and will need at least 2 regular carers working back to back shifts. Plus ad hoc carers to cover breaks and holidays. Unless NHS funding was granted (which is as rare as hens teeth) your boyfriend would only be entitled to carers allowance. It’s a pittance and not enough to live off.

It really isn’t fair to cry down the phone to him. Do you have any friends or family nearby who could support you?

I have family members who were in the army, and cannot believe the process wasn’t made clear to him. Basic training is tough but my family have all done very well from their army careers.

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2021 09:26

I think if this is your husband then just be honest op and say “I can’t cope and need him back, this isn’t what I imagined”

I also don’t believe for one moment he didn’t know what he was signing up for. Maybe he didn’t tell you, but he knew, they are very very clear. They need to be, because otherwise they’d have loads of folks like your husband.

My close friends son is in the army and they told him the bases it could be, very early on.

He clearly wanted this badly, badly enough not to spell it out to you what it meant. And if you’re pressurising him to get out, then even if you achieve your wish the likely hood is he will resent you for it and the relationship will ultimately end.

Be very honest with yourself, is his mental health declining because he’s under so much pressure to come home?

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2021 09:26

He needs to focus on getting care for his relative, not leaving the army. Your dp cant be there, he is in the army. He needs to sort out round the clock care, whether that's carers of a nursing home.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 08/06/2021 09:27

@Silhillian thank you for your response; informative regarding the relative.

And yeah I have plenty of friends and family nearby that can support me, however I do not need support for this matter as this individual being in the army has no affect on my life. But thank you for your concern. Others are making the assumption that I am his nagging wife and being rude about it.

And from what he has told me, he was apparently told that because his training was lengthy, once he went to his permanent base it was unlikely he would be deployed anywhere until his third year in the army and would make his evening tea every night. It sounds like he didn't think his decision through in depth or was misinformed.

OP posts:
a8mint · 08/06/2021 09:30

Woah, I didn’t know this was a thing! Sinister!
of course its a thing and not at all sinister.Otherwise half of them would get all the training and then quit when they had to go to war

name8793 · 08/06/2021 09:33

@alixxx1 with all due respect you're not helping yourself playing the "my friend has this problem" game, one of your posts about your pregnancy says your partner works away. You've nothing to be embarrassed about, I totally understand the feeling of wanting to Jack it all in, it's a difficult situation and no one (especially no one with direct experience) can tell you how you should feel.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 08/06/2021 09:36

I have mentioned him getting care for the relative but the issues are deeper than just the relative. Even with a resolution to help with the relative he has said he is still really depressed about being in the army as a whole.

In the early days of the army he said he had contemplated leaving, when this was allowed and he was still entitled to leave. So the feelings have been going on for some time, just getting progressively worse.

OP posts:
HelpMeh · 08/06/2021 09:37

This is why I asked earlier if he's actually engaged with the army welfare service. He has access to counselling etc so should be taking advantage of that.

As he willingly signed up to this commitment, presumably they will be expecting him to exhaust all avenues with a view to staying put rather than legging it. It's supposed to be hard to leave otherwise we'd be a bit fucked if we found ourselves at war and none of the soldiers fancied fighting!

I'd be very surprised if the difficult aspects of military life - including the various life events you inevitably miss - aren't covered in depth before you sign up. I'd expect an older recruit to have a better understanding of this than a teenager.

You only seem to want to hear the answers that facilitate abandonment. What his friends and family should be doing is supporting him to stay. It's selfish to guilt trip him into quitting. If my husband did that to me and I did leave, we'd likely find ourselves heading for divorce in the not too distant future as I wouldn't be able to live with the resentment.

As you aren't his nagging partner, maybe you can speak to whoever is piling on the pressure and ask them to lay off him?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 08/06/2021 09:44

@alixxx1

I have mentioned him getting care for the relative but the issues are deeper than just the relative. Even with a resolution to help with the relative he has said he is still really depressed about being in the army as a whole.

In the early days of the army he said he had contemplated leaving, when this was allowed and he was still entitled to leave. So the feelings have been going on for some time, just getting progressively worse.

Hence he needs to go to the Dr to discuss depression. A big part of this is a medical issue.
Original poster
alixxx1 · 08/06/2021 09:45

@name8793 I'm not playing my friend has this problem. Yes I am pregnant and my partner works away. Yes I have a puppy and yes I hate my job. However this post and this persons decision to leave the army is nothing to do with me, my feelings etc. I am writing what we have discussed together. If this was about me, I'd post it being about me so I could gain useful advice relevant for me. But this isn't about me. I have not said he is my friend nor have i said he is my partner. I am only giving relevant information on this forum for privacy purposes for his sake and giving information where he can get relevant advice linked to the main issues in his decision to want to leave. Thank you though.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 08/06/2021 09:47

it sounds quite crazy how he and you seem to have no knowledge of what would be expected, or think that there would never be any family emergencies in that time. Have neither of you ever met anyone in the army before? Once you sign up to the army, they basically own you for a few years. He has to get on with it now. Take antidepressants if he has to, and you have to hold the fort at home. His relative will need to have carers. Its ridiculous to think he can come out and just be a 24hour carer instead, yet at the same time says he wants to come home to "feel like hmself"
Hes had bad news in the family. Hes feeling out of control, but he doesnt have choice now because he signed up, so he really needs to stop whinging how unfair it is that he cant just leave, and you need to tell him that youve got this in hand and he needs to concentrate on his job like the other soldiers. He can leave in a few years or he can work his way up and make a proper career out of it

81Byerley · 08/06/2021 09:57

Dishonourable discharge is not the way to go...your final discharge papers become your reference for your next job. Imagine if you get an interview. "Why did you leave the Army?"
" Well I was caught by a random drugs test/being racist".

HelpMeh · 08/06/2021 10:00

@81Byerley

Dishonourable discharge is not the way to go...your final discharge papers become your reference for your next job. Imagine if you get an interview. "Why did you leave the Army?" " Well I was caught by a random drugs test/being racist".
Or as someone else ridiculously claimed upthread "I was on my way to Syria to join ISIS"
RosaBudDrood · 08/06/2021 10:01

Or as someone else ridiculously claimed upthread "I was on my way to Syria to join ISIS"

I refused to believe that was even a serious suggestion. Surely not?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/06/2021 10:14

Little bit of a drip feed there.

It sounds as though his problem is that he has disliked the Army life for some time. It also sounds like his decision to leave has little to do with the relative (which was intimated) and more to do with disenchantment.

I’m sorry OP. I’d have more sympathy at 16 or 18. A 30 year old man should have absolutely known what he was letting himself in for.

It isn’t a jolly. It isn’t about overseas travel. It isn’t about the uniform.

There is the possibility that we go to war. There is the possibility we go on exercise to prepare for that. We go on peace keeping duties.

We don’t give up because we don’t like it. He absolutely must have known what it entailed. Plenty of dramas about service life. Plenty of documentaries. So many news articles. So that is on him.

His trade training can’t be for much longer now. After that it gets easier.

Problems at home may be affecting him. I understand that. But to not consider ‘what ifs’ is on him as well.