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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting out of the British Army early?

262 replies

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 14:53

What is the likelihood of getting out of the British army before the four year period is up?

Does anybody have any experience with this or know anybody who has tried and been successful?

Tia

OP posts:
Nachobib · 07/06/2021 20:06

OP honestly, why would someone actually in army ask you to post on mumsnet of all places for advice on how to be able to leave before the end of their ROS? Of course it's your partner, and if you are that unhappy in your job, surely he should be supported in keeping his so your family have financial stability?

jacks11 · 07/06/2021 20:08

Surely they would want to look at treatment options (counselling/therapy or medication) before just agreeing to a medical discharge?

When you sign up to the forces, it is very clear what the rules are. I think he needs to approach welfare officer or the medical team and take it from there? Dishonourable discharge is a very bad idea though, it could end up with time in military prison and/or could seriously affect future employment prospects.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 20:21

@Nachobib he didn't say 'hey will you post on mumsnet for me'. I suggested that I could ask on mumsnet as I use the forum and he was happy for me to do so as it keeps his identity annonymous. He doesn't feel he can speak to his colleagues as he is embarrassed and they're new to him following the change, as I did suggest that in the first instance.

And what has my job got to do with anything? This individual I am talking about does not support me or my family financially, so whether he stays in his army job or not, it makes no odds to my financial situation in the slightest. I want him to make the decision that is best for him.

I wish I had the time on my hands you do to sit and play detective and spend my time making assumptions on someone's life.

OP posts:
Nachobib · 07/06/2021 20:28

[quote alixxx1]@Nachobib he didn't say 'hey will you post on mumsnet for me'. I suggested that I could ask on mumsnet as I use the forum and he was happy for me to do so as it keeps his identity annonymous. He doesn't feel he can speak to his colleagues as he is embarrassed and they're new to him following the change, as I did suggest that in the first instance.

And what has my job got to do with anything? This individual I am talking about does not support me or my family financially, so whether he stays in his army job or not, it makes no odds to my financial situation in the slightest. I want him to make the decision that is best for him.

I wish I had the time on my hands you do to sit and play detective and spend my time making assumptions on someone's life. [/quote]
Yet finding your other thread took about the same amount of time as it would for them to speak to those within this COC that can help and go through his options re: leaving :)

Sindragosan · 07/06/2021 20:33

No army experience, but I do have experience with recruitment, and its really tough now. I'm not sure we'd touch anyone with a dishonourable discharge, we've turned down lots of excellent candidates purely because there are so many applications for limited positions. 100-200 applications per post is fairly normal at the moment.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 20:33

@Nachobib

I don't know what a COC is but I'm sure he will when I mention it. That process may be as quick as stalking an old mumsnet thread, however for someone who is suffering mentally in a way I haven't seen before, does it matter what approach he is taking? And it's not your concern is it. I really am shocked at the lack of sensitivity toward mental health by some people.

I would politely suggest, if you cannot remain on this thread without being rude, may you take your sarcastic responses elsewhere. Goodbye.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 20:33

If he truly is the only person who can care for his NOK, then who is pressurising him? Other family or the poorly relative?

Is his mental health declining because he hates the Army, his relative or both?

Does he really want to give up a good job to care for this relative or does he want to leave because he has made a mistake?

We all had our down days/weeks. If you can rely on those you work alongside you can manage the difficult situations. If someone’s head isn’t in it, it makes life difficult - if not dangerous.

If he is laughing because you are being described as his wife then he isn’t quite in the depths of despair. I don’t mean to be flippant. After one incident, you couldn’t get a smile let alone laugh out of our lot. We, as they say, pushed through and soldiered on. Grim determination if you will.

I am sorry that he is miserable but I’m still surprised that at 30 he didn’t check what he was signing up for or research or think about what ifs.

HelpMeh · 07/06/2021 20:38

You don't seem to be addressing any of the questions people are asking 🤷‍♀️

FaceyRomford · 07/06/2021 20:41

[quote alixxx1]@ChainJane do you know how long the dishonourable discharge process takes? X[/quote]
If he does this, don't expect it to be easy to get a job in civilian life. If fact it may well be impossible.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 20:46

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

Following a best interest meeting his relative will need 24 hour care without family support or home care. I know he is keen to avoid this. The relative is now lacking capacity to make decisions for them self at home. Even with dementia, it is a mental illness and the relative is very demanding. He is receiving calls at 3am from the family member and has started wandering, the neighbours are aware and help out massively. However I know he is putting pressure on himself about the situation too and not being at home. Obviously with this happening over a quick period of time, I know he wouldn't have joined the army if they'd have already been sick.

He is critiquing himself for jumping in to going in to the army but I know he was wanting to achieve more in life and thought he would be able to handle the demands and pressures, which he is not. I personally feel it is unfair he has to stay when things do change in peoples lives and people end up in crisis situations. But maybe that is me being unreasonable?

And trust me, he isn't laughing laughing unfortunately. He put laughing emojis on a text message as I am screenshotting all advice given. I am really worried about how low in mood he is if I am honest.

OP posts:
safariboot · 07/06/2021 20:46

[quote alixxx1]@Horehound it wasn't me that described it as a prison actually.

There's always gotta be one who comes on with pure ignorance hasn't there.

I don't want to put too much on the forum for his sake in case anybody in the army saw it. But the family member that requires his presence for physical issues is a close relative of his (not going to say who), who is suffering with Parkinson's and dementia and he is their only next of kin. [/quote]
Compassionate Leave or Discharge should be granted in this case. But it will be up to the Army.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 20:46

I would like to add, that my discharge papers enabled me to walk into the job I have now.

A dishonourable discharge would have been a major problem. I Am certain I wouldn’t have even been picked to attend the first interview.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 20:47

@HelpMeh which question would you like me to answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 20:51

Thank you for the advice so far. The dishonourable discharge isn't something he would consider anyway. When I mentioned this to him he was already aware of the possible implications of what it may have. I was just asking how long it takes so I could feed that back but he said it's not an option at all and is in agreement with those who are saying do not go down that route.

He said he would like to go down a route that is as amicable and professional as he can do, even if the process takes a while.

It seems it would be a medical matter on the grounds of mental health. So does anybody have any experience on this process that I can feedback.

A few people have said the doctor and welfare...

OP posts:
Bamoon · 07/06/2021 20:53

If he is in training he should speak to one of his instructors or head to the welfare office. There is a lot of good advice on this thread, unfortunately no one is going to say he can just tell them he is going as that's not the case, but if he is really struggling they should be able to support.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 20:53

I know about the trot alongside dementia so I am aware of the difficulties.

I hope he gets the result that he needs. I understand that you think it is unfair but it isn’t really when you’ve taken the shilling.

It isn’t that I’m being unsympathetic you know. It really isn’t for everyone.

But for the love of all things tackety, get him to explore the proper channels. At 30 he is young and a dishonourable discharge could hang around him long after his relative passes.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 20:54

X post. Apologies.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 07/06/2021 20:56

@alixxx1

Thank you for the advice so far. The dishonourable discharge isn't something he would consider anyway. When I mentioned this to him he was already aware of the possible implications of what it may have. I was just asking how long it takes so I could feed that back but he said it's not an option at all and is in agreement with those who are saying do not go down that route.

He said he would like to go down a route that is as amicable and professional as he can do, even if the process takes a while.

It seems it would be a medical matter on the grounds of mental health. So does anybody have any experience on this process that I can feedback.

A few people have said the doctor and welfare...

Im in the army and also medical (nurse). The first thing he needs to do is go and see his unit Dr. He cant ask for medical discharge and it be granted, its not as simple as that. Medical discharge is granted after many board meetings. Also all other avenues need to be exhausted or have proved to not have worked. She to get medical discharge, he needs to try all treatments options given to him. He'd be unwise to refuse them really. Medical discharge can take years, but equally it can take months. The important thing is that he needs to start the ball rolling with the Dr.
Ontheroadtorecovery · 07/06/2021 20:58

If a best interest decision has been made that the relative requires 24hr care, /supervision then this should be actioned by those responsible for making that decision. Perhaps then he would have the space to consider the best way to leave if that really what he then wants. There seems to be lots of good advice from those who know the army system/process. But perhaps with some of the pressure off he would feel differently about wanting to leave.

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 20:59

@SheldonesqueTheBstard Why would the army want to keep somebody who isn't going to be a credit to the service? He is physically fit and really did go in with all the determination in the world but is now being broken down. Luckily I don't think he is going down the dishonourable discharge route. He just needs to explore the proper avenues now.

@Bamoon yes there is some really helpful advice on this forum. I am noting all of the information down. He said he has spoken to somebody and they have told him he can't leave and will have to serve his four years. So he wants to know where to go from here...

OP posts:
Thegoodandbadlife · 07/06/2021 21:03

Is he in Pirbright or phase 2 of training as that would influence how he would go about things re a MD

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 21:03

@Letsallscreamatthesistene it seems after being told no today, that he needs to see the doctor. Not only for the fact it will support his potential exit but he may need to look at some form of medication. I'm not sure who refused his exit today but it seems that the process is going to be a long one.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 07/06/2021 21:06

[quote alixxx1]@Letsallscreamatthesistene it seems after being told no today, that he needs to see the doctor. Not only for the fact it will support his potential exit but he may need to look at some form of medication. I'm not sure who refused his exit today but it seems that the process is going to be a long one. [/quote]
Yes it can take years

Original poster
alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 21:07

@Thegoodandbadlife ive heard of that army base before but I don't think he's at that base. would it be easier to get out if he was? Is there a way he could move base?

What would he do in phase 2 in regards to leaving? I know he's still in training but I'm not sure what phase it is based on all of the COVID delays and course push backs etc.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 21:11

They maybe think he could be a credit to the Army once he has managed to get a handle on what is happening at home. They’ve already invested a lot in him and maybe they are trying to help him see that.

It isn’t easy. It really isn’t supposed to be.

Good luck with the proper channels though. I hope he gets support and advice on how to manage. They may be trying to stop him leaving and have him regret it. I don’t know. I don’t know him.

It may be a long road but it is the best one if both parties here are considered.