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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting out of the British Army early?

262 replies

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 14:53

What is the likelihood of getting out of the British army before the four year period is up?

Does anybody have any experience with this or know anybody who has tried and been successful?

Tia

OP posts:

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 07/06/2021 21:12

[quote alixxx1]@Thegoodandbadlife ive heard of that army base before but I don't think he's at that base. would it be easier to get out if he was? Is there a way he could move base?

What would he do in phase 2 in regards to leaving? I know he's still in training but I'm not sure what phase it is based on all of the COVID delays and course push backs etc. [/quote]
Pirbright is phase 1 and probably easier to leave from. He cant just move there. It doesnt really matter if you understand or not if you're just relaying the info to him. He'll understand.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 21:14

And as someone upthread said - there is a world of difference between basic/trade training and the job proper.

Same commitment sure. But not the same fuckery.

Thegoodandbadlife · 07/06/2021 21:23

It depends with Phase 2 where he is based as it’s it RMP training they have a specific base with everything onsite. Easiest option would be find out how to book a doctors appointment where is is and speak to them about his mental health and get them to put the wheels in motion. Alternatively is he gets on with his senior staff members (corporal/ sergeant etc) then he could speak to them too about getting the wheels in motion. Problem is though and what he seriously needs to think about is that if he gets MD then it is permanent. What happens if gets awarded the MD and then it’s sadly or fortunately depending on what happens with his relative isn’t in the not too distant future and he’s able to return but can’t especially as once out of phase 1 and 2 training it is a lot easier and from what I’m told you get a lot more free time. Remember that POA which he’ll need for this person can be done online and sent off ( my parents had to do this) and again with COVID it probably will be a lot easier to have a telephone meeting. Whilst on base they should have time off too which he could do to research care companies and carehomes but if it’s state funded he won’t get much choice sadly. It’s tough but I think he should be advised to turn his phone off at night to not be woken up with phone calls etc as even more sleep deprivation is not going to help.

Bamoon · 07/06/2021 21:25

Hw has spoken to one person, there are others, it depends what be said said them as well, plenty of people have a wibble in training and it isn't always in their best interest to say okay then see ya- it could be that they didn't grasp the severity of how he is feeling. I also do agree that there is a world of difference between training and the 'real' army. Yes lots of bullshit still, but a lot better.

DavidTheDog · 07/06/2021 21:37

Following a best interest meeting his relative will need 24 hour care without family support or home care. I know he is keen to avoid this. The relative is now lacking capacity to make decisions for them self at home. Even with dementia, it is a mental illness and the relative is very demanding. He is receiving calls at 3am from the family member and has started wandering, the neighbours are aware and help out massively. However I know he is putting pressure on himself about the situation too and not being at home. Obviously with this happening over a quick period of time, I know he wouldn't have joined the army if they'd have already been sick.

This sounds so difficult, but what’s his plan after he gets discharged?

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 21:49

@Thegoodandbadlife thank you for the informative post.

@Bamoon I think you are correct. I do not think. They have grasped the severity of how he is feeling.

OP posts:

21Flora · 07/06/2021 21:51

I am an army wife and it’s really tough. The goal posts don’t stop moving once training has finished. It is constant and never ends. My husband was sent away at short notice during the pandemic when my daughter was ten days old with the promise that he would stay home for the rest of the year. He went away about another 10 times. He will have been here for about three months in the past 12.

Even if you are medically discharged for mental health problems you still have to go through resettlement programmes and counselling. I’d really stress that he should talk to his padre. The padre will be able to help. The only people I know of who have been discharged on mental health grounds have been suicidal.

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 21:53

@DavidTheDog I am not sure what his plan is in all honesty. I have mentioned that he may regret his choice if he leaves and his mental health problems can be worked on over time - he might find then he regrets leaving in the future but his response is 'he can see the bigger picture' and wants to be at home and wants to 'feel like himself again'. The thing is I don't want to tell him what to do, this needs to be his decision. I just want to guide and offer useful advice.

The prompt for me asking for advice for him was following a massive breakdown he had to me and I know something needs to be done now before it gets out of hand.

OP posts:

name8793 · 07/06/2021 21:56

@21Flora it's impossible to generalise. My own DH was away shortly after the birth of both our kids for weeks/months, I was in lockdown homeschooling alone for months whilst he was deployed and me working full time, and yet none of that, or anything else that has been thrown at us in the last 10 years, has been more difficult than those gruelling months in training, in our experience at least. I'd be very weary of jacking it all in at this stage and really would take the time to reflect on the reasons for joining in the first place.

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 21:58

@21Flora when you say sent away what do you mean? Sent away and not even allowed home in that period? He has just told me now he was under the impression he wouldn't be sent anywhere once training was over and would be at his chosen base and it's unlikely he'd be sent anywhere in his first three years. That's what he was told.

It seems he thought he'd be at his base for 3 years after training without any deployments.

OP posts:

DavidTheDog · 07/06/2021 22:02

@alixxx1 I hear what you’re saying. I just can’t see how leaving the army is going to help with his poorly relative. It also sounds as though the army can offer much better mental health care than he’d have access to outside.

Does he have a partner and children?

BreedingOinkers · 07/06/2021 22:03

[quote alixxx1]@Horehound I am pregnant but this post has nothing to do with me 🙂😂[/quote]
I reckon it has a lot to do with you

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 22:06

@DavidTheDog it seems so far they have been dismissive of his feelings, from what he is telling me anyway. Apparently it was somebody in welfare who told him he has no chance of getting out. I've asked him if anyone at welfare offered to put him in touch with somebody like a counsellor or mental health team and they haven't. I assumed the army would have offered that to him as soon as he mentioned a mental health compliant. I'm not sure whether he's just spoken to somebody absolutely useless but he has decided he will follow up on it again tomorrow. And yes he does.

OP posts:

DavidTheDog · 07/06/2021 22:09

I think him trying again seems the most important next step, looking at what knowledgeable posters have recommended.

What does his partner think? Is s/he supporting him or encouraging him either way?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2021 22:09

It might be unlikely he would be ‘sent’ away but it isn’t impossible.

I was posted two weeks after I got married. So was he. Two different countries. From a unit there was only a small chance of having to move. We both knew it was possible though.

Going to war isn’t impossible either. Involvement there also.

Do you think it is possible he chose to focus on what he wanted to hear and didn’t really take the alternatives on board?

21Flora · 07/06/2021 22:10

@alixxx1 Yes, sent abroad. It depends on the role you do I suppose, some postings don’t include deployments but you can’t guarantee where you will go. You definitely can be sent abroad in the first three years though.

Christmasfairy2020 · 07/06/2021 22:10

Your husband won't come home and look after his mum why would he. She has have carers the hospital sort this out. Or you do.

You need to move into marriage quarters. How old are your children. You can use private schools for boarding etc

GiantToadstool · 07/06/2021 22:11

Are they married? Is the army quite strict on that?

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 22:15

He is not married but apparently the army housing you don't need to be married anymore and it isn't as strict as it was in the past but this isn't an issue for him. He has spouse support.

OP posts:

name8793 · 07/06/2021 22:16

@alixxx1 it's really going to depend on his trade. We have friends who haven't been deployed in the years we've known them, others that go every year (usually shorter terms though) it's very trade specific, it would really help if you could find some wives from the trade he's going into. Same with postings, I know trades that stay put for 5+ years, others that only allow you to stay there 2 years. My DH is only getting his first choice posting now after 10 years of never getting the posting he wanted, but that's specific to his trade.

name8793 · 07/06/2021 22:17

@alixxx1 it's only trial areas that are allowing non married couples to live in MQs currently, the new accommodation model will be rolled out eventually (no idea when) but there is only one base in the army routinely allowing it as part of the trial currently, I assume that would be Catterick but could be wrong.

21Flora · 07/06/2021 22:18

@alixxx1 that isn’t entirely true, there is only housing for non married if there are spare houses. I know on our base there is a massive waiting list with people waiting at least a year.

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 22:21

@name8793
@21Flora

I must have my information wrong on that subject then! Oops. I thought he had said that married quarters were accessible to him if he wanted. However, what I do know is there isn't any strain in terms of spouse relationship so he wouldn't need the marriage quarters anyway x

OP posts:

MiddlesexGirl · 07/06/2021 22:23

Remember that POA which he’ll need for this person can be done online and sent off

You can't get power of attorney for a person that lacks mental capacity. You'd be looking to the Court of Protection to appoint you as a deputy www.gov.uk/courts-tribunals/court-of-protection

Original poster

alixxx1 · 07/06/2021 22:23

@name8793 if you don't mind me asking what trade is your DH please?

OP posts:

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