The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Also it's an aside, bit of sounds like he doesn't even make the effort to make the sex sensual, affectionate, romantic etc. Which makes it even more shit for you. Dies he care if you climax of even just enjoy it, I'm guessing not (?)

Even if he did though - it's still a lot and he's still coercive.

Oh pet, that is tough

When will it end? You're hardly going to put your foot down aged 50 or 55, are you? What about aged 60 when the kids have long gone?

It is no life..

God this brings back traumatic memories of being extremely miserably married to ex.

Why do you not feel you should have bodily autonomy?
Someone having sex using your body against your will is no way to live. You’re scared to get up in the morning in case he wakes and demands sex. You negotiated days you’re on your period off. There’s no intimacy or love or affection in your marriage you don’t even kiss eachother?

I got divorced eventually, and no there was no sadness in that. The misery was him dragging me to court repeatedly and that eventually ended and in between and especially afterwards life was joyful with just me and my DC.

I got remarried later but I’d never ever be with a man who treated me that way again.

Tell him to sort himself out and not to disturb you whilst he’s doing so.

And seriously think about what you want. How on earth can you live life too scared to get up to pee in the morning in case your husband wakes and demands sex you feel you can’t say no to?

You’re in your forties this could continue for a long time yet.

What’s the worst you fear about leaving him?

Ime nothing is worse than trying to convince yourself you don’t matter that what’s being done to you doesn’t matter. You do, it absolutely does.

@Chillionice

Know from my friends that all marriages have sex issues. Usually no sex or men wanting more sex. Most other people won’t speak openly. Just wondered if others had my problem? Or maybe they are older generation and not on Mumsnet x

Well this 70 year old can tell you your husband is a pig. HTH.

I don't think anyone has suggested yet that he ''does'' it all in the shower/bathroom (alone of course) - never mind if he takes all the hot water!

@Chillionice

No. It was a female and I think she felt she didn’t want to alienate my husband by siding with me against him? Maybe we should find an alpha male counsellor and see what he says.

No, couples counselling is NOT a good idea when there is abuse. Abuse is not a relationship problem.

Please, get individual counselling.

What does he do if you say no to this?

Do you want to be with him? Do you go on dates? Are you doing this because you’re scared if you don’t he might do it with someone else? The fact you don’t kiss is the saddest part about it I think 😕 Hope you can decide what’s best for you and do that

This is one of the most awful things I have ever read on MN.

You are not a hole to be wanked into. Please leave and enjoy listening to the birds.

@MistyFrequencies

This is heartbreaking. You need to leave him. Your children will be better off not seeing such a fucked up role model of a relationship. And you think they don't know because you think it's only sex but in reality, any man who can have daily sex with someone they know doesn't want it is an absolute cunt and that has to be evident in other ways in his daily life too.

Exactly. What sort of person is happy to have sex with someone daily when they know full well you are not enjoying the experience.

Being forced into it daily is counterproductive. Maybe if the pressure was released off you and he worked on re-building a connection it would allow you to actually garner some desire to have sex with him.

If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc
I think in light of this info, your marriage is over. You are absolutely incompatible. Quite frankly he sounds a selfish, revolting dickhead and I wouldn't waste another moment with him.

Trust your instincts. You don't need to go to an alpha male counsellor, not all female counsellors are like the one you went to last time. Try a different one and go alone.

A good counsellor will be on "Team Chillionice" and help you sort your head out. How do you feel about how little he cares your feelings?

Why oh why?

Oh goodness - this is so hard to read; not only because you are being subjected to daily rape, but that you accept it and do not think you are worth better than that.

I found myself in a similar situation - although my OH's persistence was caused by a degenerative brain disease - and it is beyond awful to be under siege from your own partner. At least I knew what was causing this lack of inhibition and normal behaviour - your OH has no such excuse.

You are just a hole to stuff his dick in. It is seriously grim. You must bring this to an end.

I know the idea of leaving is hard, but you have a relationship with no true warmth and intimacy and respect - your children do not know about his sexual abuse, but they definitely are picking up a sorry example of adult relationships and you cannot let this go on - for them and for you.

Until you are able to leave just say no.

@Chillionice

Yes. Discussed this with the counsellor years ago. My husband said I was dragging our daughters into a theoretical question that had nothing to do with them. Counsellor agreed that drawing parallels with our daughters was unhelpful.

You are in an abusive relationship and your counsellor did not recognise this. And in fact agreed with your husband. They were not a good counsellor.

You sound so sad and so worn down. My heart goes out to you. All you fight seems gone. I hope we can help.

Ultimately you need therapy. Alone. Counselling / therapy when in an abusive relationship is never recommended.

Submitting to unwanted and coerced sex daily with someone who is emotionally abusive is literally soul destroying and your children do not need a mother who has had her self esteem and self love worn away to nothing by years of this.

My personal experience of being married to a man with a high sex drive was that it was understood he was always up for it so I would indicate to him if I was too and that's when we would have sex. He would try it on sometimes but always with good humour and would accept it unquestionably if I said no. He wasn't a prince among men either - we are now divorced - but what you are living is so far from normal. Please find a good feminist therapist and go have some sessions on your own.

@Chillionice What would happen if you said no?

@MaMelon

Just a thought...was this counselling delivered by a religious organisation?

Snap! I was just about to post the same.

I agree with 90% of the comments on here but I just wanted to add, you don't need to wait for a counsellor to agree with you before you set boundaries/make decisions in your relationship. You're allowed to draw a line wherever you like, counsellor be damned, because it's your body.

I understand that you're trying to be a good wife and respect his wants, but is he trying to be a good husband and respect yours? Obviously not.

I'm not being flippant when I say that if a counsellor told me I should do something with my body that I don't want to do, I'd be out of there quicker than I could say "malpractice".

I was in this situation with my ex.
Except, it wasn't coerced. It wasn't agreed upon. I was raped daily. I wanted to die. So I won't use the word rape for what is happening here, but it is coerced.

I left finally. As should you.

Why coerced sex is better than him having a wank I have no idea. Just get out of bed in the morning and leave him to masturbate.
Your kids would be horrified at you having coercive sex daily for their 'benefit' (because that is what this apparently is). He has offered to masturbate so clearly there is some leeway.
I am not sure whether he has just emotionally ground you down for so long that you can't see the woods for the trees. But this makes no sense.
No laughing emojis coming from me.

One of the most depressing things I have ever read on here. Think you will be on my mind for the rest of the day.
What was he like during your pregnancies and as a new mother? Was there a grace period even then?

I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
No, you don’t have to just accept it, it’s your body, it doesn’t belong to him to make the decision how it’s used. This is appalling that you see it this way, please just tell him it stops now.

I negotiated’menstrual days off years ago.

You don’t have to negotiate anything!!!

What a sad read.

Hope you find the strength to say no.

3 weeks

It’s just so regimented. Sex should be something spontaneous and not something planned into your diary. It must be miserable for you OP. I would tell him that you are no longer sticking to this ‘rule’ he has imposed on you, and if he sulks and grouches about it I would seriously consider splitting. I know you said it’s just 5 minutes, but it isn’t really, because you probably spend most of the night dreading it.