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AIBU?

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:
BadGherkin · 07/06/2021 08:45

Who chose the counsellor you saw? Was it your husband? Because no professional, ethical, compassionate and empathetic counsellor would advise as you have reported. Go and see a counsellor yourself - get a referral and recommendations from a doctor or the like - anyone who is not associated with your husband in any way at all.

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:46

No. It was a female and I think she felt she didn’t want to alienate my husband by siding with me against him? Maybe we should find an alpha male counsellor and see what he says.

OP posts:
SengaMac · 07/06/2021 08:46

@Chillionice

Yes. Discussed this with the counsellor years ago. My husband said I was dragging our daughters into a theoretical question that had nothing to do with them. Counsellor agreed that drawing parallels with our daughters was unhelpful.
That is rubbish from both of them.

How is your relationship with your husband, in other ways?

BreakingtheIce · 07/06/2021 08:46

OP you sound like you feel you yourself are inadequate or at fault. No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. He sounds thoroughly selfish and unpleasant. Don’t beat yourself up. He is not even trying to think about your needs. Why should you consider his?

BreakingtheIce · 07/06/2021 08:48

I second what people are saying about finding another counsellor. The one you saw sounds awful. You don’t need an alpha male counsellor, you need someone decent. Look at the BACP website and go alone this time.

Peridot1 · 07/06/2021 08:48

@Chillionice

Don’t know. Most people I know who have separated have swapped one huge sadness for another it seems over time. By their own admission not just my observation.
That is possibly true for some people. But I think your situation will eat away at you over time. It will destroy your self esteem. I know it would mine.

Your H’s sexual expectations are ridiculous. I had a friend whose husband was similar and they went to a counsellor who happened to be male and basically told her husband he was being ridiculous that very few people had sex as much as he wanted it. It nearly ended their marriage.

Your husband has bullied you into a sexually coercive situation where you are a receptacle. His comment about you controlling his sex life is ridiculous. He is controlling yours. Daily. Having to negotiate breaks when you have your period is awful.

Your children will adapt if you split. It may not be easy but long term for your self respect it will be worth it.

Embracelife · 07/06/2021 08:49

@Chillionice

No. It was a female and I think she felt she didn’t want to alienate my husband by siding with me against him? Maybe we should find an alpha male counsellor and see what he says.
Counsellors don't tell you They help you make decisions by asking questions They help you explore why you make certain choices They help you cone up with strategies Maybe the counsellor helped you both come to an arrangement But you don't like it do you? But go see a counsellor on your own to explore why you put up with this
SpnBaby1967 · 07/06/2021 08:50

What kind of man gets his rocks off having sex with a woman who doesnt want it, I'll tell you who, A RAPIST!

You're not giving consent, you're giving in.

Notonthestairs · 07/06/2021 08:50

Struggling to see how somebody not wanting sex is told sex once a day is the appropriate compromise.

Just let him be grumpy.

And then get solo counselling. You sound helpless but you are not (I mean that nicely) - it's time to value yourself more.

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:50

It’s not good. I know that. I understand coercive control and tipping into emotional abuse came up in counselling. I just posted thinking that other women may be in similar situations. The fact this thread shows they are most definitely not is really a bit of an eye opener for me. I need to think. Thank you.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 07/06/2021 08:51

The only time I have ever had sex every day with a partner was in the early, honeymoon rabbit stage ... And even then i generally did not see them.during the week .. so it was only for two or three days at the weekend.

I find his expectations/demands to be very high for a settled long term relationship. Unreasonable in fact.

Perhaps some women might match him but in my experience, the vast vast minority.

But most importantly, he's sexually coercive.

Behind the coercion would appear to be a very high level.of entitlement and sexism. Female partners are there to provide sex on the male's schedule, if they don't the man is entitled to resentment, moods etc.

Quite honestly I'd rather listen to someone wanking next to me than have my body used by someone when I don't really want to have sex. It's still intrusive but a lot less so.

In any case ice encountered one man a bit like this and i found him weird ... All the other men I was involved with were not every day sex-ers or wankers, especially not older. I found him oversexed. And yes he was entitled and would've been coercive if I'd let him, and huffy.itvwaa one if the reasons the relationship ended.

If you don't want to end the marriage and he'd ok with wanking ....

He's a wanker though - in the full meaning of the word.

I bet he's got some fucked up, chauvinist views too.

Figgygal · 07/06/2021 08:52

I would accept the incompatibility and leave the marriage you still sound miserable
My husband is lucky if he gets it once or twice a week these days we’ve been together 18 years two children a lot younger than yours
I just can’t be arsed with it anymore

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:52

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I know you are right.

OP posts:
Wannabegreenfingers · 07/06/2021 08:52

I can't believe what I am reading. Leave this horrible excuse of a man. Your children will be better off for it.

rookiemere · 07/06/2021 08:52

I've been listening to a podcast about marriage. Do you know the actual average number of times all married couples have sex per week ? It's actually once, which was a surprise to me.

I think your daily sex sacrifice - whilst grim - would just about stack up if your DH was kind and lovely in every other way ( although if he was I doubt he'd be forcing you to have daily intercourse) .
It doesn't sound like he is though, if you want to keep trying to save the marriage see another counsellor as your first one sounds inept.

PurpleSunrise · 07/06/2021 08:53

This is horrendous reading. Children know when they’re in a family with an unhappy marriage you know, it sets you up for a future of dysfunctional relationships thinking it’s normal (I was one of those children by the way). And they always do know, you can’t hide it even if they don’t know the specific issues.

Do you know why you value yourself so little? What was your parents’ marriage like? (Obviously don’t need to answer if you don’t want to). But if my partner was like your husband is id have told him to fuck off long ago.

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:53

Thanks. Refreshing. You are right.

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 07/06/2021 08:54

I keep my marriage going by wanting to have sex with my husband. If you feel this way ta 7.21a.m. in the morning over 5 minutes of sex, how can he even be enjoying it. Sex is not something that can be negotiated like this imo. You either want sex or you don't.

If you feel this way yoiu should not be in your relationship. Sorry.

Richter235 · 07/06/2021 08:54

Is there a culture difference going on here?

Iwonder08 · 07/06/2021 08:54

OMG, I have commented on a number of posts previously expressing the view of the reasonable expectations of frequent regular sex. What you describe is not sex. It is unpleasant, transactional duty that gives no pleasure to you. The fact that your husband knows you are not enjoying this morning routine and still continues with that on daily basis is simply awful. Please stop. Go back to counselling if needed. You shouldn't go through it.

KeepingTrack · 07/06/2021 08:55

@Chillionice, I can only tell you my experience of doing what you are doing- having sex when you don’t want to/fancy it.

There is no way to make it easier or nicer. It’s just a plaster over the cracks of the relationship

You will only grow more resentful and disgusted by that morning sex. Because you don’t want it. It’s forced. And more importantly it doesn’t address the real issue. The lack of communication. The lack of intimacy.

It sounds like the counselling was crap tbh. The solution can’t be a middle ground where you loose your soul.
My advice would be more counselling but on your own.

RincewindsHat · 07/06/2021 08:56

Your counsellor sounds beyond incompetent.

So many great replies on this thread, I hope you find the courage to do what you really want to do.

MarshmallowAra · 07/06/2021 08:56

A man who has sex with a woman who doesn't really want it .... Does not say good things about him.

A man who nags and manipulates and coerces a woman into sex ... Deeply unattractive.

He has some fucked up values around relationships, marriage, sex .... That's the real issue, alongside his (to me weirdly) high sex drive.

Newkitchen123 · 07/06/2021 08:57

@Chillionice

It’s not good. I know that. I understand coercive control and tipping into emotional abuse came up in counselling. I just posted thinking that other women may be in similar situations. The fact this thread shows they are most definitely not is really a bit of an eye opener for me. I need to think. Thank you.
I'm glad it's opened your eyes The only happy ending I can see here is you leaving It won't be easy You may not be happy straight away But you will be happy You'll be in charge of your own life You're not at the minute. He is
ArrrMeHearties · 07/06/2021 08:58

Oh op Sad you shouldn't have to do anything you don't feel like doing and shouldn't have sex just to placate your dh. He needs to respect that you don't want sex as much as he does