The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Phew, glad not just me! 😂

You are absolutely amazing and so is everyone who gave you the advice a year ago.

well done.

This is a real story of hope. Thank you x

So good to read this OP and thank you for coming back to update us. You’ve brought a tear to my eye. xx

That is EXACTLY what comes over to me... yes.
The type of religious group that says "women submit to your husband, for he shall rule over you"

Amazing well done and I hope you have an amazing Happy life xxxx

You’re “not even excused” if you’ve been up all night with the kids!! He is only entitled to touch your body when you want him too. As for him being sensitive, he needs to just get over it!

Well done for making the move. You are very brave.

I'm so pleased to read your update. Congratulations for getting rid of him, wishing you and your children a wonderful and happy future.

I remember your first post. I'm so glad to hear things have changed for the better, and I hope you and your children have a wonderful life.

Apologies, I have just seen your update (note to self, check if things have moved on before you post 😳). I’m so glad to read you made changes. All the best for the future 👍

This man was communicating contempt, power, subjugation, abuse, entitlement and controlling / bullying you with the threat of anger and grumpiness if you didn’t oblige

Yes very narcissistic - using you as fuel supply! Well done love - breaking free!

What a great update

Bloody well done, @Chillionice

I just want to say, well done and wish you and your kids all the best.

What a fantastic update x

Personal question. Do you not get very sore day in and out?
But end it somehow. There will be a better life out there for you.

Why would an emotionally healthy man want to have sex with an unenthusiastic partner ? Is it a power trip ? Or is he so damaged that he actually think it’s his right ? I would just say no and let the consequences unfold…surely you can see this is bullying ? Honestly the thought of having to have sex daily makes me feel nauseous.

Thank you for posting those links OP they've made for uncomfortable reading and reflection on my own situation. I hope one day I'll have your strength.

Go you OP! What a tremendous update. I agree it was one of the most appalling threads I'd ever read in years of MN. Daily raping by a heartless enraged bastard. Glad in a way your kids got to see his true colours. Mine did too after a similar set of circs a few years ago.
Side note: I pretty soon discovered I didn't have a missing libido I just didn't fancy him and his selfish loveless bedroom habits. I had 3 years of wanton and delightful promiscuity with online dating blokes and now have settled into a truly content and happy self-sufficient steady state with settled kids who rarely see their dad.

I hope you are well and treating yourself with kindness.

He has an expectation for daily sex and you're giving that to him, but it's just transactional and you are not enjoying it. Are you saying he'd divorce you if he didn't get his daily sex? if that is the case he's not worth keeping and you ought to bow to the inevitable and stop allowing yourself to be used as an unwilling sexual partner. You seem to have fallen into a compromise that isn't really working for you. Did the therapist think this was a good idea - sounds like maybe you were advised poorly. Unless, of course, you enjoy the sex, but I'm sure you wouldn't have posted this if you did.

How is his mental state? Is he depressed? Could you encourage him to go onto an SSRI anti-depressant? Then he will quite quickly lose his interest in sex as affects male libido.

Sorry, posted this before I read the update! Silly me.

How would any partner get any enjoyment or satisfaction from sex knowing that the other dreads and resents the act.
Where is the love, spontaneity, emotion or affection.
How do either of you get anything pleasurable from this daily arrangement it sounds like you both need to re-evaluate what you want from this "relationship" and if it fulfills either of your needs.

I am really glad to hear this OP.

I didn’t realise this was an old thread I was feeling furious on your behalf.

How brave you are!

My ex was like that. Oh the blessed relief when he became my ex! I couldn’t live like that @Chillionice , there’s a much better life out there. 💐

I am really glad to hear this OP.

I didn’t realise this was an old thread I was feeling furious on your behalf.

How brave you are!