The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

You got free. A hard fought for freedom, but the only kind worth having.

You are an inspiration.

I remember your thread from last year OP, it really stayed with me. Thanks for updating with your great news and best of luck for your future.

And ignore Marmite17

I didn’t see your thread last year, but read your OP (not realising it was old) and then your update. Beyond relieved this is no longer your life. Congratulations for getting free and I hope other women read this and take inspiration from you.

I am delighted to read this update, the thought of what you were going through every day made me want to harm him and rescue you! You sounded like you’d come to an end, anyway, back then. I hope you’re happy and are able to doze in the morning without that feeling of dread.

Well done, OP - and thank you for coming back a year later to update

Well done OP, you should be so proud of yourself and I'm sure this will inspire other women who are in a similar position. I read this whole thing full of dread today and the update is chef's kiss

I can't believe what I'm reading - he's abusing you every day.

Rtft @newbiename

Fantastic update op. An inspiration to anyone else in a similar situation. Hope they gain strength from you.

Fantastic news OP I'm so pleased for you.

Congratulations OP; I remember your thread distinctly and I hope you are enjoyng your mornings now x

Oh op,I’ve never been so happy to read an update, it gave me goose bumps!

I'm sure it’s not been easy, but my God, you’re amazing 🤍

OP a life to be proud of. You demonstrated to your children the art of owning your decisions. Whilst it must have undoubtedly been a struggle, I applaud your tenacity and wish you and your family every happiness moving forward

Awww, amazing!!! Well done you, I bet you feel amazing now don't you. Hope you're absolutely loving your peaceful life 💐

Bottom line is you sound as though you no longer fancy your husband

Anybody that fancies this rapey, coercive, sex pest must have a fucking screw loose. How dare you try to shame the op, have you even read all her posts ?

www.coercive-control.com/post-separation.html

apommerenk.medium.com/the-first-50-days-away-from-the-narcissistic-ex-partner-ead6c246c94

These are 2 websites that have been a huge help to me if there is anyone facing similar situations and self doubt.

Counselling has been fundamental and still is.

A solicitor I can ill afford is helping with the financial mess of it all.

But I have brilliant friends, kids and my future back all of which are priceless.

Thanks all for your good wishes x

@Chillionice I am SO glad to read your updates. I haven't actually seen your thread before today, and reading through your posts I felt so sad for you.

Congratulations, and here's to the rest of your life!

You brave darling well done

🥳🥳🥳
So people might read@

Dear OP - your experience closely mirrors my own; my husband wanted sex every single night, from day 1 of our marriage, and for decades thereafter. At first I obliged, but once I was juggling motherhood with working full time, and feeling exhausted at bedtime, I just couldn’t be arsed with it. This led to arguments and him getting angry and sulking. We compromised: he would leave me alone every other night. The years went by, and he became more and more emotionally detached - although unfortunately this didn’t dampen his sexual appetite. He’d get into bed and just get straight into it - he may have barely spoken to me all day, but once he wanted sex, suddenly I existed. Someone else has used the word ‘receptacle, and that is exactly what it felt like - like I was nothing more than a slight upgrade from a wank. Towards the end of our marriage I had become repulsed by his predictable touch, so I would refuse his ‘advances’ - he moved into the spare room after one such argument, and never slept in the marital bed again. I suspected he was getting sex somewhere else (I later found out he’d been carrying on with someone for several years), but by then I didn’t care. Anyway, after 35 years of marriage, I divorced him. I never shed a tear and have absolutely no regrets. What made me bite the bullet was the thought of decades more of bickering about sex, and all the festering resentment. Life’s too short. If you possibly can, draw a line under this, and strike out alone. xx

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if I've missed anything. The anger I felt reading your post 🤬 so basically he pressures you into sex every single morning just so he can get his jollys on for 5 minutes. He doesn't give a fuck about you I'm sorry to say. Where's the intimacy? Understanding? Tenderness? No wonder you don't want to have sex!! Get rid OP. THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER!

Stupid me, I’m not very savvy with Mumsnet - didn’t notice this was from last year and that you’ve since taken the plunge🤦🏻‍♀️

Well done, and it must be a huge weight off your shoulders 😊

Wow so it seems I should of read the whole thread, apologies! Well I hope you're in a better place now OP 💐

Good for you OP I read the first few posts in horror before realising it was an update. Your children will recognise the steps you took to safeguard your happiness and theirs, if not now then in the future. 💐

I didn't notice either @Kimkimminy 🤣