The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Just reading your comments and what a joy it was to come to the update to find you divorced the arsehole. Massive well done

Well done op, I’m so happy for you. Here’s to you and your children’s happy future ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Good on you, op.
I wish you all the best for a happy future. 🌷

Hope you and your children are doing well OP. ❤💐

Amazing, well done. Your OP was a very sad read. I hope you’re much happier

Well done you!

fantastic update. remember thread well and often thought he won't want children 50%. I hope that is case for you and them

I remember your thread and commented on it when you originally posted. It takes bravery to leave, I'm so happy for you that you found the courage to do so.

I'm so glad you got out, I think your marriage was my future if I'd stayed with the horrific ex I was in the process of leaving when I first read your thread. I am so glad we both got out!

I'm happy for you. No one should have to be woken up to wanking!

Gosh this was a difficult thread to read. I wasn't aware of this last year but my god I am pleased to have read to the end to see you got out. Keep going OP you have 100% done the right thing for you and your children.

Oh dear - so if it’s only 5 minutes does that mean that there is nothing for you? You do not get satisfied. What is you were to agree to go on a date and have a relaxed session later in the evening if the kids were out? Can it be changed? Or is it rigid stick to the agreement?

What a great update, well done OP!!

Jeez, read the full thread.

I was horrified last year by the treatment you were subject to, glad he pissed off.

I wish you well.

Sorry didn’t realise this was a year older. I loved your update. I am glad you broke free. I hope you and the children are happier and feel safe xx

@Chillionice I’m bloody cheering for you, well done! I remember your original post & was chilled & saddened by your situation. I admire your courage 🙌🏼

I missed your thread first time round so have just read it for the first time and I felt so sad for you. I'm so glad you've got yourself and your children out of that situation - life must be so much better now !

My ex used to wank in bed - I hated it but I think he was making a point that if we weren't going to have sex when he wanted it, he was going to enjoy himself anyway. One of the final straws for me was when I was in the middle of a really bad bout of vertigo, feeling sick all the time and really not knowing which way was up. He still decided that having a wank in bed was ok, even though it was so debilitating for me (with BPPV you can literally feel like you're just continually falling into a void, it's not nice) and that was it for me.

Well done !!

Well done OP. I was in your position and it drove me to drink. I had to essentially be blunt and say I didn't want to have sex with him any more and we did divorce, and he was tremendously hurt but I was fed up with the huffs and silences on his part and me trying to weasel out of it in a million different ways. I remember the dread. Yes I don't see my kids some days of the week but I enjoy the space and at their age your children aren't as dependent like smaller children would be. Onwards and upwards. Oh and I've found that I do actually like sex but on my own terms now! Makes such a difference!

Well done OP. I hope your life is much happier now. And how fantastic that your DS stood up for you against him.

I voted you are being unreasonable in that you're consenting to this, just explaining as I'd imagine some others have done the same.
I'd imagine that's like a daily sentence hanging over you and it's totally unacceptable. My friend was once in a hospital ward with a lady whose partner decided that his marital rights would have to be satisfied every day. He was so adamant that he had to have sex, despite the refusal if his wife that he was arrested.They were actually in a gynae ward.

I used to work with a woman who confided in me about her marriage. She had ‘compromised’ to have sex every Wednesday and Saturday evening to appease her husband. She said it was set in stone and it didn’t matter if she was tired, unhappy, didn’t feel well, that was the agreement. It sounded miserable and certainly not a loving act, more a chore she had to do twice a week that she quietly resented her husband for.

Yours also doesn’t sound like a loving act. It’s what my friend referred to as ‘elaborate wank’ because her part in the act didn’t matter so long as her husband got his orgasm.

It’s a miserable way to live.

Just catching up, a huge well done to you.

OP - you did it! Congratulations!

I read the OP and thought, hang on, this is really familiar.

Welcome back OP. I remember you and I am so happy for you. Well done you and well done Mumsnet.

I started reading this today, before I noticed the date. So pleased you are out of that situation, my chin was on the floor in the beginning