The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

fucking fantastic well done op

@Chillionice oh I missed the fact it was a zombie and update - I'm so pleased for you! well done! <3 <3

Well done. Your situation was intolerable.

Well done. Are you safe? I hope he can't hurt you in anger. Have you got friends near that you can have on speed dial? Gather all your important documents now and lock them away, same for the kids. You must feel like a weight has lifted and freedom is almost within reach. Stay safe. And report him for coercive control, emotional and most importantly sexual abuse.

This isn't normal or common at any age.
I'm 50-ish and know only one person my age who's said her husband has behaved like this. She keeps threatening to leave him. We all wish she would as we're so worried that her children are growing up thinking this is normal.
I know a woman aged 70 whose husband was like yours and it was abnormal and considered unreasonable by all her friends even back in the day. She went on sex strike in her early 50s and told him that was it, shop shut. She wishes she'd left him many years ago. Her adult children wish she had, too. They now resent feeling that their parents stayed in such an awful marriage apparently for their sakes.

Oh god, I'm so happy reading your update. It's the first time I've read this thread and felt physically sick for you reading your earlier posts. Well done OP!

That sounds so sad OP. Its not normal and it's not right. In terms of age, length of relationship etc. I'm the same as you. However we probably have sex about 3 times a month. That's how much I want it because I'm just so tired a lot of the time! DH would probably do it more often but even he is happy with less frequent sex (also tired! And just accepts that it's OK not to do it all the time). To do it every day when you don't want to is awful! It must breed so much resentment and a dislike of your husband. Who cares if your husband gets offended?! I feel offended just reading about what you have to endure. My DH would never push for sex if I wasn't in the mood. Your DH is a selfish pig who doesn't care about you at all, only his own needs. Tell him to go and have wank and leave you in peace. I'm so angry reading this.

I'm delighted for you, OP. I read your initial posts and was horrified that you were having to live like that. I'm so pleased to hear you've left him and I hope your life is vastly improved, despite all the pressures of being a single mother to three children.

I hope your story inspired others to do likewise.

Best news ever. I felt you were heading there there from your OP. How has the last year been?

Well done!

well done. I have you have a better life now and can enjoy it with your children and not too much hassle from him in the background

What an update ! I am raising my glass to you this evening, op.

Thank God you're divorcing him. This thread made me feel sick. I'm 60 and my ex was like this. I didn't let him have sex everyday because I couldn't stand it but the sulking and the moods were horrific. I've been single 4 years now and couldn't be happier. I never have sex now because he's put me right off.

Congratulations and well done OP. Hope you’re happier now.

Yes OP! I read your thread at the time and have thought about it many times since. Very happy for you.

Well done OP. I read your original post and thought the only way is leaving.
How did you do it in the end? It might help other people. x

Oh what a fantastic update! I remember reading this at the time and feeling so awful for you OP. I thought when I opened this is would be someone offering advice to a thread that had been abandoned a year ago, so I'm so happy to see your update! I hope you're living a wonderful life, free of that relationship ❤️

I was reading your thread with such sadness and your recent update made my heart leap!
Congratulations OP. I wish you all the best xxx

Good for you! Well done 👏

Hi @Chillionice I have jumped ahead without reading through all posts, just your comments.

Because this statement jumped out for me: ‘3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance’.

i don’t think that your three kids will find the end of the marriage traumatic…at all. You are catastrophising the reasonable end of your marriage & I have little doubt that your miserable excuse of a husband has laid the seeds of this thinking long ago & likely built that upon your own insecurities.

Your unhappiness & oppression is write large & your children know this, yes they do.

I suggest that you go see a family law solicitor in general solicitor practice or Citizens Advice Bureau as soon as you can, share what you have told us & get advice about where you stand. You are not looking for fault based divorce per se, you are looking for how to extricate you & your children safely from the marriage From this information you can build plans for a life that is healthier & secure for you & your children.

I also suggest that you see a dr - preferably female - at your local GP & tell them what is going on. What can the GP do for you? They can listen, assess the impact on your overall emotional, psychological & physical health & wellbeing, & update your notes.

As you make change, it’ll help to have an independent record of your current situation.

I hadn't seen your thread before today, but I can't tell you how pleased I was to read your update. I wish you a very happy future OP with lots of birdsong.

Wow. You are all still out there!

Thank you so much to those who remember this from last summer. Some of you really touched me over those few days.

Yes, I am fine and so are my kids. I am rediscovering and redeveloping my resolve & esteem which have been absent or trampled on for many years now.

Coercive control is such tricky beast. It filters into every aspect of your relationship and become insidious to everything. The final straw came when my husband gaslighted my 14 year old son (who stood up to him and stood up for me!). My husband then ripped our marriage to pieces in front of the children & discarded me in a 2 hour ‘resignation rant/fury’. A suitably disturbing end to it all.

Inhabe

Was so hoping for a positive update and not a zombie resurrection.

Well done OP.

I would love to read details, I love a positive story, but only if you feel like it.

Either way, well done you.👏👏👏

Oh @Chillionice our posts have just crossed.
How good to hear how you are & the progress you are making.
Hang in there.

Bloody well done OP. Amazing update.