The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Very very happy for you that you’re making this change.

@Chillionice

Got my first morning.

Great but how sad and awful you feel you have won. You shouldn't have to feel you are in a battle .

@BreakingtheIce

You don’t say what he’s like generally though. Is he kind and considerate, a good father generally? What is the rest of your relationship like?

Though?

Even if he does all the housework, childcare and shopping plus brings home a fortune it does not make up for how he is in the bedroom.

Though! Fucking hell.

You are being very quietly brave OP.

First of a lifetime of free mornings, I hope,@Chillionice!

@SunshineCake

I made it clear above that I was trying to work out why the OP stays. It doesn’t matter what he’s like the rest of the time, no. It’s still inexcusable.

Great news!

Please think about contacting Women's Aid, as a first step to get you and your children away from this man.

This is abusive and the counsellor should have recognised this.

This is not sex, not making love but I'm not sure you're ready to hear what it is.

You are not doing your kids any favours staying in an abusive marriage you're really not. Kids survive breakups and even go on to thrive.

that I am controlling his sex life

Quite the opposite! He is controlling not just your sex life but completely ignoring your bodily autonomy. He has no care or respect for you and I find it incredibly hard to believe that's not the case in front of the children too. You are teaching them a very bad dysfunctional relationship model which they will go on to repeat - do you want your daughters being treated like this?

Couple counselling where there is abuse is NOT recommended EVER

you need individual counselling to get you to a place where you can leave him

While I'm glad you have now put boundaries in place I am concerned you are still tolerating poor treatment generally and I want you to be safe when that anger you speak of surfaces - physically and emotionally

But definitely a step in the right directions

This sounds horrendous, I don't think forced daily sex is a compromise at all. What if you are unwell are you allowed a 'day off' then? I wouldn't want to sleep with an ill person. Where is the emotional connection? You can't possibly go on like this.

I don’t want to rain on what should be a very happy parade, but judging by how your husband treats sex (as a right) and your say in it (as non-existent), I don’t know how deeply you sleep, but please be careful and be on the lookout for if he tries to “start” anything when he thinks you’re asleep. I don’t want to scare you, @Chillionice; I just want you to be prepared and stay safe now that you’re starting your journey to safety (because that’s the harsh truth: you weren’t safe as long as you “had” to have sex with someone who didn’t care about your boundaries, feelings, or opinions).

Well done op. How did he react?

Well done @Chillionice x

I hope this is just the beginning as I don't think they stop being like this. Great work.

No, I agree they don’t stop being like this. The last 24hrs he has oscillated between ‘Why are you being arsey?’ ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ to trying to hug me. ‘Oh no, this isn’t the way it is - you can’t be a dominator’ was also said to me yesterday NOT in regard to sex, prior to that discussion when I began to state my feelings. So, thank you to the person who pointed me towards FOG & grey rock/stone. That has helped me today. I remain calm & firm.

OP getting divorced is not always so bad.

Separation is also an option.

Well done op. I bet the dawn chorus has never sounded so beautiful.

Just be careful op.
Look at cycle of abuse.
He may be playing with you.
Then it will be "I let you off for three days whats wrong with you"
Go talk to someone .

@Chillionice Well done. When you have eventually escaped/got rid of him, you will be able to relax and enjoy a peaceful morning even more. x

I think you are very brave

You are incredibly brave. I hope you can work towards a better life for yourself without This awful predator.

@Newkitchen123

I'm struggling to get my head round the fact that this daily sex which you clearly don't want was discussed in a counselling session and the counsellor thought it was even an option never mind a good idea

Absolutely agree!!

Please stand up for yourself op. Good luck 🤞🏻

@Chillionice

Quite honestly I can get away with a brush off around once a month and I ‘negotiated’menstrual days off years ago. The other 24/25 days of the month, if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.

Well, let him be grumpy 🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure why you’ve put up with this. Who gives a fuck if he’s in a mood because he didn’t get sex. Let him sulk. Sorry OP, but moodiness is one thing I really don’t tolerate. The best way to deal with a sulking moose is to ignore it.

@Chillionice

No, I agree they don’t stop being like this. The last 24hrs he has oscillated between ‘Why are you being arsey?’ ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ to trying to hug me. ‘Oh no, this isn’t the way it is - you can’t be a dominator’ was also said to me yesterday NOT in regard to sex, prior to that discussion when I began to state my feelings. So, thank you to the person who pointed me towards FOG & grey rock/stone. That has helped me today. I remain calm & firm.

You lady are an absolute rockstar. Well done - it can’t be easy.

Stand firm, OP. He is already trying to rattle you into submitting. Don't cave in, definitely grey rock. His mood is his problem.

You have endured cruelty from this person for years.
That takes strength.
You have the strength to stand up to him now.

Well done OP, just here cheering you on !