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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 10/06/2021 08:03

How are you doing op?

Dancingsmile · 10/06/2021 08:05

A huge well done. You have got your body back from him.
Stay strong. Stay very strong.

firstimemamma · 10/06/2021 08:10

"5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance."

I really don't think it works like that op. Your children will know how unhappy you are - they'll just be able to sense it. A break might be hard for them to begin with but for the best in the long run.

AntiSocialDistancer · 10/06/2021 08:10

"Oh no, this isn’t the way it is - you can’t be a dominator"

This is chilling because it tells me that he knows you dont like it, and he enjoys taking sex from you every day. He knows it's abuse.

You have 6 weeks school holiday coming up, time to pack up all your important docs, post them to your family. Get ready to run Flowers

firstimemamma · 10/06/2021 08:11

Just read your update. Well done op

peridito · 10/06/2021 08:27

"Oh no, this isn’t the way it is - you can’t be a dominator"

and that he sees the relationship as a battle where he has to dominate .

But I'm sure this isn't news to you OP .I know you've said that there is a backstory and previous attempts to seperate have failed but can you get help/support to overcome particular hurdles ?

GabriellaMontez · 10/06/2021 08:34

@Chillionice

Don’t know. Most people I know who have separated have swapped one huge sadness for another it seems over time. By their own admission not just my observation.
This isn't my experience or observation. Just saying.

Quite the opposite. Relief. Freedom. Peace. Feature highly.

I'm not saying it wont be difficult but indont know anyone who wishes she'd stayed.

user7891011 · 10/06/2021 09:29

@Chillionice

Quite honestly I can get away with a brush off around once a month and I ‘negotiated’menstrual days off years ago. The other 24/25 days of the month, if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.
This makes me so sad. You're being raped every morning. Please find a way to leave, bless you.
user7891011 · 10/06/2021 09:30

Oh just read update. Well done to you!

Cyberpixie · 10/06/2021 09:39

You need to look for a psychosexual psychotherapist rather than just a counsellor who won't be qualified enough for this. I am one of the former and this counsellor sounds like they are out of their depth.

GabriellaMontez · 10/06/2021 10:53

@Cyberpixie

You need to look for a psychosexual psychotherapist rather than just a counsellor who won't be qualified enough for this. I am one of the former and this counsellor sounds like they are out of their depth.
Fuck this.

You need to look for a lawyer. Your husband coerces you into sex every day.

NeedNewKnees · 10/06/2021 11:09

How was Morning 2?

me4real · 10/06/2021 11:35

You need to look for a psychosexual psychotherapist rather than just a counsellor who won't be qualified enough for this. I am one of the former and this counsellor sounds like they are out of their depth.

The problem with a couple where the man is pressuring the woman into sex everyday seeing a psychosexual psychotherapist is that it implies it's their sex life/her not being keen to shag him that's the problem.

It's not, the problem is he's awful.

You might not be like this, but a lot of psychosexual pschotherapists would be trying to get them to have more sex.

That or even more fulfilling sex is not the goal, because OP just doesn't want so much emphasis on sex in their lives.

She rightly wants him to STFU about it and let her live her life in peace.

BertramLacey · 10/06/2021 12:55

You really don't need to see a psychosexual psychotherapist to tell you it's wrong to coerce someone into sex. Basic human decency would point you in that direction.

Greenmarmalade · 10/06/2021 19:44
  • Cyberpixie

You need to look for a psychosexual psychotherapist rather than just a counsellor who won't be qualified enough for this. I am one of the former and this counsellor sounds like they are out of their depth.

Are you serious? This is insane advice!

Original poster
Chillionice · 08/07/2022 16:51

I doubt anyone will ever look at this thread again but it feels important to say a year later that the reaction I received changed me fundamentally. I read many of the recommendations people made, started counselling, left the relationship and filed for divorce.

OP posts:
HMSSophia · 08/07/2022 16:55

I read it!! Yay that's fabulous and good for you. You can enjoy your mornings to yourself

Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 17:00

Oh my god I love you.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 08/07/2022 17:02

You fucking hero! That's amazing, actually brought a tear to my eye.

VikingLady · 08/07/2022 17:05

Chillionice · 08/07/2022 16:51

I doubt anyone will ever look at this thread again but it feels important to say a year later that the reaction I received changed me fundamentally. I read many of the recommendations people made, started counselling, left the relationship and filed for divorce.

Well done and congratulations! I'm so happy for you!

007DoubleOSeven · 08/07/2022 17:08

You brilliant, brilliant woman!

I didnt see your thread when you first started it but am equally horrified reading what you endured. I'm so glad you found the strength to put an end to it :)

How are you doing?

Stag82 · 08/07/2022 17:09

Chillionice - I love a happy ending! So bloody proud of you. How are you feeling about all the change?

I left my kids dad 5 1/2 years ago. First year was tough but I’ve never been happier!

Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2022 17:11

What a fantastic update. We’ll done OP.

LuvMyBoyz · 08/07/2022 17:11

So glad to hear that you’re in a better place.

ManateeFair · 08/07/2022 17:12

@Chillionice This is the first time I’ve seen this thread and reading it almost made me cry. What a horrible, horrible time you’ve been through. I’m absolutely delighted that you’ve escaped this abuse - you’ve been incredibly strong and I wish you every happiness.