The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Pleased to hear this OP.

Well done OP.
Please contact Women's Aid for support and any practical advice they can offer.

He is a terrorist in the home.

You deserve better.

Thinking about you today OP. I truly hope this morning was better and there wasn’t too much fall out from your decision. You’ve said you’ve made steps on three previous occasions and not followed through. Sounds like it’s time to take the final step, for your own happiness and your children’s x

@Chillionice you are incredible. I hope this is the beginning of a wonderful new time for you

Well done, chillionice .
I hope you can get away from him altogether, before long. He is no partner to you.

@Chillionice

It’s been a long day in many ways but I wanted to reply to these last few posts to reassure you that tonight has secured a better morning for me tomorrow. There is obvs a lot of backstory to my present situation which I’d like to share but it’s too long to go into here. In short, over the last 7 years I have negotiated separation at least 3 times. I have openly discussed our problems with one of his sisters in particular who are all to aware of his behaviours. My family are not local so cannot offer any temporary home. Tonight I have put a stop to the daily sex expectation. I know enough from past experience & counselling to now expect shocked acceptance followed by raging anger in a few days and weeks of passive aggression. I can’t deal with this now on top of bloody lockdown & self isolating children but will not lay down & roll over in the hope it will all go away for a while. I’ll listen to the birds in the morning. And the day after. And the one after that.

👏👏👏👏👏

Delighted to read this. Well done you.

Every day even when you don't fancy it? That sound disgustingly awful. Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both otherwise it's just a chore. I'd have already left tbh. I'm not a hole.

We’ll done op very proud of you, hugs.

Well done for stopping the demands!!

Well done, Chillonice. Hopefully this is a first step in taking back control, recognising your own worth and eventually getting away from this horrible excuse for a husband.

Thinking of you listening to the birds this morning OP

So pleased to read your update Challionice.You've made my day .

Sad that you've been unsuccesful in the past in separating - but I believe you'll get there .

sending love and strength xx

I wish you the very best of luck @Chillionice. Sounds like you've made a huge step. As you say - there will be fall out but hopefully taking back some control will help you weather the storm from him. I would also recommend looking up "grey rock" technique and "coming out the FOG". It may be of some help. I remember when I made the conscious decision to stop "servicing" my husbands needs and it was empowering!

So happy to read this OP. I think you are very brave, I just hope you get brave enough to start a new life without him

Well done from me to. Stick to your guns and do not weaken. This is the first step to freedom.

Got my first morning.

Yay. Enjoy.

@Chillionice

Got my first morning.

How does it feel?

Awful.

This is not okay. You are not his sex object.

Fuck that shit.

Don't back down OP.
This could be the start of a better life for you.

@Chillionice we’re cheering you on! Enjoy the birdsong 💐

So happy for you.

@BreakingtheIce

You don’t say what he’s like generally though. Is he kind and considerate, a good father generally? What is the rest of your relationship like?

A man who sees their mother as nothing but a hole is not a good father.

I'm so glad, I have been thinking of you every morning

Well done OP. I thought of you when I first opened my eyes this morning, and hoped the hundreds of messages on this thread had helped you see you needed to say no.