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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:

1678bfj7 · 07/06/2021 21:05

OP If I was reading this in 1865 I'd have been horrified. To read it in 2021 ... I'm sickened.

Even if you think you can 'put up with it' for the sake of the DC etc, I think this must be very damaging to you, emotionally (potentially also physically, if you're not up for it). What he is doing is wrong, coercive and abusive. And coerced sex isn't sex with consent.

Please, value yourself and your happiness more. You're young and you've plenty of opportunities to enjoy life still, without your daily wifely 'duty'.

No decent man would expect this or emotionally blackmail you into it. When people talk about compromise over sex, it usually means they might do it sometimes when they're a bit tired, but they want to be close with their partner, or when they know it might take a wee while to get in the mood but that they'll get there eventually. Not this...

HotChocolateLover · 07/06/2021 21:12

So he thinks it’s fine to just hop on and pump away until he’s satisfied 🙄 Not cool @Chillionice You need to dump this creep ASAP and get with someone who respects your wishes.

socalledfriend · 07/06/2021 21:12

I get grumpiness and rejection.

So what? Let him get grumpy. Either you feel like shit or he sulks - you need to choose yourself OP.

Do you really think he will want/be able to have the DC half the time given how selfish he clearly is?

This is abuse. Please get out.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 07/06/2021 21:14

Oh gosh how utterly awful I could not bear this at all!
The tolerance some people have!

1678bfj7 · 07/06/2021 21:15

Re: the wanking next to you. Every man I've ever been with would ask first, and would take themselves off to the bathroom and do it in private if you weren't enthusiastic.

And waking up to find someone wanking 'over' you would be deeply disturbing.

Greenmarmalade · 07/06/2021 21:16

Divorce.

Isthisit22 · 07/06/2021 21:22

I feel sick reading this. Sick to my stomach thinking of you being raped every morning. He knows you don't want sex but rapes you every morning anyway. You know he knows this, right?
Please at least move to another bed.
Yes he will be grumpy but surely someone being grumpy is better than being violated daily?
Wish we could help you leave in some way. Be safe 💐

FlippinFedUp21 · 07/06/2021 21:25

Sex isn't a long term verbal contract. You give consent at the time of sex, not 1, 2, 3 days, weeks, months or years down the line. Him sulking and rejecting you if you say no is emotional manipulation and coercion. I'm so sorry OP. I would love for you to turn round and tell him the weird sex contract he's set up for you both is effed up and you no longer accept it. You'll have sex with him if and when you want, on equal terms, not because he thinks he has the right to it.

FlippinFedUp21 · 07/06/2021 21:28

Actually scrap the last bit of my comment. I don't think he deserves to have sex with a woman ever again tbh.

SecretRedhead · 07/06/2021 21:47

What in the ever loving fuck did I just read...

ICanSmellSummerComing · 07/06/2021 21:50

After it first dc I couldn't have sex for at least a year, dh didn't mention it... Didn't put any pressure on me, nothing.

I adore my dh and find him extremely attractive.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 07/06/2021 23:49

Op that's really sad. That doesn't sound ok.

Moanranger · 08/06/2021 00:02

My ex H & I were not sexually compatible & had sex entirely on his terms. As a result I had zero libido in the marriage. We split for other reasons, and my libido returned with a vengeance & I found a wonderful partner with whom I am v sexually compatible.
The lack of sexual connection is a bellwether. You & your H are not compatible. You both will be happier if you part. The children will not be as affected as you think & will benefit from the removal of the tension between you & your partner.
Know that the future can be better - good luck!

musketeersmama · 08/06/2021 09:27

I woke up this morning thinking about you @Chillionice. About how you’d be an unwilling participant in undesired sex before I’d even had a coffee. Soul destroying.
Wishing you strength to make changes in your life - “swop this sadness” - you may find that it’s simply happiness that replaces it.

BreakingtheIce · 08/06/2021 09:36

Maybe the OP has had the courage to say no and start planning her exit.

FrumpyBetty · 08/06/2021 10:01

@musketeersmama

Me too, made for a truly depressing start to the day. God only knows what it is doing to OP.

kissmelittleass · 08/06/2021 11:43

Me too I was thinking about op this morning looking at the time wondering if that pig had taken advantage again horrible thoughts hope you're ok op
Messes with my head as my post in this thread about my poor mum

Trudij123 · 08/06/2021 15:58

I’ve had this post on my mind all day - I really hope you’re ok OP and you’ve realised that it’s really ok to say no, no matter what he thinks

rookiemere · 08/06/2021 16:16

And equally if morning sex did take place- that's ok too.

There's a lot to process and there will be fallout when OP decides to start pushing back. It may not be fitted into a neat time frame of a thread and actually it doesn't have to be.

It would be good to know you're ok OP. We're here for you for the duration.

TheSockMonster · 08/06/2021 16:34

I’m very sorry, I didn’t have time to read the whole thread so this may have been mentioned or be irrelevant…

I wondered whether your DH’s insatiable sex drive might be a result of intimacy problems? People who struggle to be emotionally intimate with someone often seem to turn to sex as a quick-fix substitute. Of course by itself it is never enough, so the need is never sated.

FrankieDettol · 08/06/2021 18:32

I've been in this situation (not daily thank God) but with a partner who got angry, sulked or used emotional blackmail whenever I didn't want sex. I didn't want to jeapordise our DC's future either but one day I woke up to the fact I was in an abusive relationship and I got us the hell out. The relief was enormous and now I'm with a gentle, patient man who gets sex whenever we both want it.
It took me a long time to realise he wasn't going to fall out with me if I ever didn't want to sleep with him. These abusive men really do a number on us and we normalise such shitty behaviour because of them.

Original poster

Chillionice · 08/06/2021 22:44

It’s been a long day in many ways but I wanted to reply to these last few posts to reassure you that tonight has secured a better morning for me tomorrow.
There is obvs a lot of backstory to my present situation which I’d like to share but it’s too long to go into here. In short, over the last 7 years I have negotiated separation at least 3 times. I have openly discussed our problems with one of his sisters in particular who are all to aware of his behaviours. My family are not local so cannot offer any temporary home.
Tonight I have put a stop to the daily sex expectation. I know enough from past experience & counselling to now expect shocked acceptance followed by raging anger in a few days and weeks of passive aggression. I can’t deal with this now on top of bloody lockdown & self isolating children but will not lay down & roll over in the hope it will all go away for a while.
I’ll listen to the birds in the morning. And the day after. And the one after that.

OP posts:

Surfingwaves · 08/06/2021 22:46

Well done. You're brave and strong OP

BonnieDundee · 08/06/2021 23:03

Well done OP. I hope you can enjoy waking up tomorrow morning and feeling free of having to have sex you don't want. Take time to think about the future possibly away from the rages and sulking

vimtosogood · 08/06/2021 23:11

You clearly don't love him so why put up with this pretence?

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