The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

I selected YABU and you are, to live like this. LTB.

Bloody hell, you've got to stop this right now! So what if he becomes grumpy - let him! Vile.

Surely you must be sore/get recurrent thrush/cystitis on a purely physical level?
And as you are discovering, you cannot continue this level of cognitive dissonance between what is happening to your body and what is happening in your mind.

I must say I'm impressed by Watchingyou2sleezes connections with scaffolders and her suggestion .

Not seriously ,sadly ,as it's no doubt illegal and would cause even more trouble . But I'm liking the solidarity it expresses and the just deserts it conjures up .

One of the enterprises I have a significant interest in is a scaffolding company, depending where you are in the country I could send a few burly blokes that like a punch up around to him to impress upon him the errors of his ways. Pound to a penny says the cowardly bastard would shit his pants

He'll make sure the OP is paid back for that. It's how men like that operate. Violence begets violence.

Op I haven’t read the full thread, but I have read all of your posts and I am horrified that you feel you have to live like this. Your h is happy to coerce you into sex every single day, and your counsellor isn’t much better. This whole situation is wrong.

Reading through the thread I when with the ex used to jump for joy if periods were on birthdays or Christmas I used to think yes best present ever. So I know from that angle please leave you’ll get help in whatever form, my ❤️ goes out to you.

The more I read this, the more horrifying it is and my hear goes out to you and your childre, OP. There is something psychologically wrong with a man who does this to a clearly unwilling partner. It's control and abuse.

*heart!

How can you possibly love, respect or even like him anymore?
You deserve so much more than this.
Ltb, seek proper counseling/freedom course, rediscover your self, your own needs and wants, show your daughter's that life doesn't have to be all about serving a man.
If you can't yet do it for yourself then please do it for the future happiness of your children. X

You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want it. He is using his moods as a way to force you into sex. You deserve so much better than this. It makes me feel so sad to think about what you said about not going the loo in case you wake him up, or wanting to just start the day as you want to. Please don’t put up with this anymore. This isn’t love.

This is appalling, utterly appalling.

Cannot believe a counsellor suggested this as a compromise. Do you children not walk in in a morning? Your life is worth more than this

I can only say how heartbreaking this is to read, I feel a great sadness in you through your words, that you have been worn down and are tolerating this abusive relationship as you are worried that the alternative may be worse & are staying for the sake of the children.
The children are seeing everyday that marriage isn't a happy environment, that their mum is weary & dad overbearing, this honestly isn't a great environment for them, the alternative is seeing their Mum happy & living life, not surviving, but enjoying waking up to birdsong, being free with her children.
You are not freely consenting to sex so actually what you are enduring is daily rape, that is not right & any man who loved you wouldn't want sex when you weren't wanting it!
Please please get out of this relationship, for your sake & the sake of your children!
I wish you the absolute best!

You poor woman.

Harassed by a sex pest husband when your marriage is clearly dead.

He sounds repulsive.

He clearly sees you as meat, nothing more.

I certainly wouldn't feel I owe my children to stay in your marriage.

Not a chance.

I hope you make plans to get away from him.

The sound of him makes my skin crawl.
You poor woman.

Check out @mending.me on tiktok. You do not have to put up with this

Just because separating isn't all rainbows and unicorns doesn't mean it isn't still the right thing to do or that it can't be a much better, happier, healthier life.

This with bells on!

It's an awful way to live. You shouldn't dread sex with your husband and I've no idea how he can enjoy sex with someone who doesn't want it to happen.

Op you have only one life!! You have to try and make it a happy life!! Your children will understand. They would want you to be happy!
This sounds awful. I'm 43 and have young kids so rarely have time or energy to have sex but my husband and I connect in other ways with hugs or kisses or kind words. He must be wishing he had sex more but not once has he pressured me. He sees that I'm tired. We will hopefully have more time and energy once we don't have toddlers!
Please think hard about how you want to spe d the next 40 years!

The thing is OP, I can see how you might have convinced yourself that 8 minutes per morning is an acceptable price to pay for keeping your family together, but you cannot claim that this issue is confined to 8 minutes of the day.

Because those 8 minutes, however horrific, are a physical event that represents the abusiveness of your relationship, the disgusting attitude your husband has towards you, and the effects those things have over the years on your self-esteem and happiness. Those things don't go away after the 8 minutes are over, do they? Would you advise your child to stay in a relationship like this as an adult?

Oh OP... this sounds so awful. I'm sure all the responses you've had are giving you plenty to think about.

Your 'D'H is highly unlikely to have you DCs 50% of the time. My ex wanted DD 50% of the time... but when push comes to shove it's never happened. At one time she hadn't stayed overnight with him for over 16 months...

He says you are controlling his sex life by saying no? Jesus Christ, the man needs to learn about consent FAST. And he needs to learn that it’s not all about him and his needs. How horrible for you OP.

No one has a right to demand sex. It’s a mutual decision. Insisting on sex every single day is sexual slavery. He needs to learn how to live with it when sex doesn’t happen.

I don't know anyone who has that much sex past their 20's! Daily is ridiculous. It should be part of a loving relationship, and yes kissing is part of it. Whilst his expectations are unrealistic, your attitude is also odd. You need to speak with a specialist therapist again including on your own to talk about intimacy etc which despite allowing him sex daily you clearly don't have. Divorce is certainly preferable to the current circumstances

This was in my mind today and I just thought 'but he chose to marry and have children!'. If he wanted to pursue a life of perpetual sexual extravagance and experimentation, he could have done that. People do that. He didn't. He chose a family life.

He needs to accept the compromises that brings. He also needs to contribute the love and care it requires to thrive.

Oh and also, your crappy counsellor must have come from the Victorian school of believing that women don't really have sexual appetites or experience sexual pleasure and only 'do sex' as a service to men. Otherwise they'd have though about discussing what you wanted and needed. Like affection, consideration and respect.

The power dynamics in your relationship are toxic, op. Why not buy him a blow-up doll and see if he is happy with that? (Seriously)