The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

The first time i posted how awful my x was, i think i expected to hear that life was hard, nothing was easy, i was overwhelmed by the pity and i guess i experience that disassociation thing.
I did leave him but i had three threads under my belt before i took action.

So when i read posters saying to people crossly "have you posted about this before?" I feel so frustrated with them.

Denial gets chipped away at a bit at a time.

I'm absolutely horrified by this. He is just using you as a body without feelings, wants or rights.

This is my lovely mum I hate to type this but I heard it most nights as a older child and teenager I couldn't wait to leave it messed with my head still does sadly.
They are still together in seventies now and only last ten years have had separate rooms, I often think of what I heard sometimes my mum saying no stop but it went ahead anyway most of the time she said nothing, I can't say anymore it's making me sad and angry.
Don't be my mum please

The man always says he will go for 50:50 but it never ever happens in reality
And is put money on him having some new woman on his arm within weeks and so then kids will dampen his style. Plus your children aren't that young. They will be having sleepovers etc
You talk about a traumatic split for them...how do you know that?
The split might be traumatic for you and you husband but not them!

He’ll not want them 50% of the time OP - that will all wear off very quickly. They are older now, so even if he did get shared custody the are very quickly coming to an age where they’ll be off doing their own thing anyway.

You may decide to give proper counselling another go and make it clear you’re not going to succumb to a daily rape, but I suspect he’ll make life so unpleasant that you’ll be desperate to see the back of him.

OP - imagine how lovely your life could be not having to start the day with him using you as nothing more than an orifice to wank into. You don’t have to put up with this.

Find your power, OP. You can do this. Your children are getting to the age where the Courts will listen to their wants and desires, and you deserve freedom from this misery. YOU DESERVE IT.

Hello @Chillionice, I hope that you are not finding the responses to your post as too upsetting. It must be throwing up all sorts of questions for you which can't be easy.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my story but hope it may be of some help to you.
5 years ago I was exactly you - I had been married 18 years, 2 kids and over the years my husband had "negotiated" with me his expected sex amount - in my case a minimum 3 times a week. His compromise being that I could get away with giving him a BJ sometimes, for example if I was on my period. Being the person I am I had agreed - and every time we had sex it was totally consensual - he never forced me as such. However - it was total coercion. He would become difficult to live with if I hadn't fulfilled my quota - he would become emotional, stomp around the house and cry even - if I didn't give in and have sex the expected amount.
Over the years I continually told myself that he was my husband - that somehow this was what I "should" be doing in a marriage. Over time I became resentful of course, and became less and less attracted to him - and less and less interested in sex - to the point I didn't want to kiss him and every time he reached out to give me any affection I hated it because I knew it was a prelude to sex. I tried everything to "get me in the mood" I fantasized about other men (both celebrities' and men in real life) trying to imagine I was with them instead of the husband I had come to resent. I tried watching porn thinking it would increase my sex drive - but it just made me feel dirty. I was continuing to have sex with him - like I said - because I thought that was the right thing to do. To put it bluntly I became sore because my body wasn't - erm - responding (sorry if TMI) I got repeated thrush which added to my discomfort.
When you say "It's only 5 minutes of my day", it isn't - because you will be constantly worrying and building up to "deal with" those 5 minutes and the resentment will get to the point you start fantasizing about your husband not coming home one day.

For me it became to much when I realised the coercion my husband was using in the bedroom was expanding to other aspects of our married life. I wanted out and I went though a very messy and difficult divorce. His control spiralled and I finally realised I had been in an abusive relationship most of my adult life.
I finally moved out and got divorced 4 years ago. Initially life was amazing!! I felt more alive than I had for years, I got my own place, made it my own and got used to co-parenting and having my kids 50% of the time. This year my kids have "voted with their feet" and have decided to live most of their time with their Dad. This has hit me hard and I've had periods of deep depression. I never imagined for one minute I would become the "alternate weekend" parent. To say it totally sucks is a massive understatement. On the flipside I've met a fantastic new partner who supports me in ways I previously never experienced and at the grand old age of 50 can say my sex life has literally never been more loving or satisfying.

Only you can decide what to do. I imagine you will have a good idea how your husband may react if you try and speak to him about this. Sleeping in a separate bed may give you some respite - or a trial separation. I would not recommend counselling - your husband is on some level abusive and he may use counselling to exert more control over you. Or you may decide to just keep quiet and keep going as you are. You may benefit from some individual counselling to help you decide what to do.

A poster above made a comment - which also a friend of mine once said and helped me make the decision I did. If your daughter was in this situation in the future with her husband - what would you tell her to do?

Apologies for the long post!

@kissmelittleass

This is my lovely mum I hate to type this but I heard it most nights as a older child and teenager I couldn't wait to leave it messed with my head still does sadly. They are still together in seventies now and only last ten years have had separate rooms, I often think of what I heard sometimes my mum saying no stop but it went ahead anyway most of the time she said nothing, I can't say anymore it's making me sad and angry. Don't be my mum please

I suspect this was my Mum too. Children pick up on these things.

@Applesonthelawn

I also think people weaken this case considerably by using the word rape when you have agreed with this compromise. That said, I think it is one that you should not have felt pressured into agreeing, but people make all sorts of compromises in order to make marriages work - pretty much everyone with a successful marriage has made some compromises along the way so I well understand how you got to that place. This compromise does however seem like a big step too far. It's making you understandably unhappy, and it doesn't sound like further compromises can be made. I think you just have to be open with him (I know you say he doesn't communicate) that it is making you miserable to be used like that and see where it goes.

Weaken this case? What do you mean by this? Unwanted sex is rape. Sex which a person agrees to as a response to coercion is not wanted and is not true consent.

Is he lovely to your children? Thoughtful, caring, patient, a good listener? Supportive of them as autonomous people with their own needs, interests and desires for their lives?

Is he ever coercive and controlling with them too? Does he bully them? Does he create a horrible atmosphere in the house when things aren't going his way? Do they tiptoe around him sometimes?

I just wonder what you think they'd be missing out on, if you divorced.

I suspect that you know that your selfish, controlling arsehole of a husband would ramp up his selfishness, control and arseholery during a divorce. That he would actively seek to damage and diminish you (with no thought at all to your DCs' need for a functioning mother). That's what you're scared of and that fear is controlling your life.

You are consenting to being damaged daily, in the early shadows of the day, in an intolerably, quietly destructive way; in order to avoid creating open space for daylight and honesty. A space in which you both say what you actually think of each other - then have to live with the consequences.

You're also effectively taking the beating, to shield your DCs from his harm.

I'd see a lawyer if I were you. Work out what a divorce settlement could look like. What would be the bottom line you could rely upon, that he could not challenge. What else might rely on negotiation. How strong your negotiation position (as managed by a lawyer, not you) might be. Think about the practicalities and how things could be made to work as smoothly as possible for you and the DCs.

He can rant and sulk all he likes. In his own new home. A lawyer is not going to capitulate out of fear of his being 'offended' .

This does sound very peculiar. I believe it's selfish to withhold sex in a marriage bit even o think this is very odd and needs resolving.

@BertramLacey

if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.

So what? Why do you have to have sex you don't want to stop him being grumpy? What happens if you let him grump? Why is it OK for you to spend the day filled with dread and sadness, but not OK for him to be grumpy?

I'm older than you and I don't put up with this shit. I would never advise that this was normal or think anyone else should put up with it. It's not and they shouldn't.

This is easy to say but if you haven't been in a relationship like this where you are punished through sulking and rejection you don't know how miserable it is or what you would do to avoid it. This is no less coercion than any other threat would be.

IamThrough that's pretty awful, how on earth has your awful ex ended up with your kids!!?? I'm so sorry for you

IamThrough Thank you for your openness. I have a family member who lost her son through divorce too. These are the sadnesses I refer to - one can replace another.

What an unbearably sad post. OP, please consider your options.

Hmm, it's never him who's tired from being up in the night with the DCs, yet you think he'll want to look after them half the time? Feed them, clean up after them, do their laundry, be their taxi service - all during the years when they have less and less interest in hanging out with their parents, or complying with their parents' wishes and, in that inimitable teenage way, place their own wishes very much at the centre of the world?

Really?

It's an awful situation but if you really don't want to leave him, then why you don't broach the subject of him wanking daily again?

Just say to him, 'look I find the daily sex sessions too much. I'm not into it and I'm not willing to force myself to comply any more just to keep the peace. You'll need to sort yourself out from now on, until such time as I actually want to have consensual sex'

Heck there are plenty of sex toys that he could use solo!

You simply do not have to put up with this OP.

Op this is so wrong. I can telling you categorically that if dh expected me to have sex and achieved that goal through emotional blackmail and pressure, I would feel he had raped me.

This man isn't your husband, he is your rapist.

I find it very hard to believe that a counselor would would ok this arrangement. Who hired the counselor??

@CasaBonita

It's an awful situation but if you really don't want to leave him, then why you don't broach the subject of him wanking daily again?

Just say to him, 'look I find the daily sex sessions too much. I'm not into it and I'm not willing to force myself to comply any more just to keep the peace. You'll need to sort yourself out from now on, until such time as I actually want to have consensual sex'

Heck there are plenty of sex toys that he could use solo!

You simply do not have to put up with this OP.

And tell him to do it in the shower too. Not lying next to you. Disgusting.

Sadly that’s probably my only option at the present I think. Approaching it is going to cause all sorts of problems - withholding etc. I get up first in the morns anyway and will just have to get used to sorting kids out with breakfast etc whilst he plugs away upstairs. But obvs longer term, I’ll have to do what everyone recommends and start thinking of and funding an exit plan.

@spanielstail
I believe it's selfish to withhold sex in a marriage
What planet are you on???? I have never heard such a stupid and pathetic statement in my life. If you don’t want sex, you don’t want it, you don’t have to have sex with someone as and when they please. It’s called choice not selfish.

Tomorrow morning get out of bed first before he wakes up and get dressed and calmly say that you feel used and are no longer willing to have sex that isnt consensual. If he sulks and is moody, ignore it.

The question is can you ever imagine enjoying sex with him again or has his selfish attitude killed it dead for you ?

My sex drive is not what it was and I have issues from abuse as a child. My DH would love more sex but he would never, ever expect or take it as his right. It's one thing to have sex occasionally even though one of you is more into it than the other but to be used as a sex prop every morning ! You deserve better.

You don’t say what he’s like generally though. Is he kind and considerate, a good father generally? What is the rest of your relationship like?