The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

His punishing of you for not submitting, by sulking or arguing with you, is very abusive and controlling. Do you want this for the rest of your life. You are 44, you have time still to make a new start. Please listen to everyone on here - PLEASE!

Let him be offended! His being offended is not a reason for you to do anything at all, except think 'what a tit'.

Your desire to lie in bed at leisure and peacefully contemplate bird song, is just as important as his desire for sex.

Further, why is he not meeting your wish for a morning cup of tea in bed? Why are you not stropping, sulking and controlling him, in response to his failure to provide your perfect morning every day? Because you're not a monomaniacal arsehole, that's why.

You're going to go through the menopause soon. Read about that. More importantly, tell him to read about that.

Unfortunately he won't care about your inevitable loss of sex drive, given he doesn't care about your interest or pleasure anyway. He'll just tell you to take all the drugs, for his benefit.

I think your menopause will coincide with your DCs starting to leave home and at around that point, he'll have an affair.

Therefore the main think I think you need to be focusing on, is getting yourself financially and emotionally prepared to live alone, apart from him at least, from age 50.

(If you think you might want to find someone else and enjoy the remaining few years of your natural sex drive together with them, you need to get your skates on now).

This isn’t normal loving sex, or a happy marriage. It is unpaid prostitution.
You are providing sexual services to a selfish man, who does not consider your pleasure or desire, does not show tenderness or affection, does not woo you or arouse you or care about giving you an orgasm.
I don’t understand why you are still with him.
Is your self esteem so low that you don’t realise you deserve better? Please leave him! Either find a new partner who cares about your pleasure and would never put you through this torment, or live happily celibate if you prefer.

*Bigtruth

A lot of talk about rape considering this sex is mutually agreed.
He's offered to masterbate and OP kicked off so they AGREED between them the current situation. If it no longer suits it needs to be discussed and they can both decide if it's ok and want to stay in the marriage.

Cannot agree more ... people don't throw around the word rape this easily!!*

Mutually agreed,hmm.

No, op's been coerced into this "compromise" by her husband's demands, behaviour if he doesn't get his daily fuck, and fear of the ultimate result if she doesn't (marriage breaks down and in her hire her it's family dismantled).

She feels sufficiently uncomfortable listening to him/feeling him masturbating beside her that she's "chosen" the fast sex instead.

And yes the person who said he's probably trying to make her feel uncomfortable us correct.

He uses her like a flesh light. She should buy him a flesh light and send him to a spare room big they have one.

Thus sex isn't about her, them, anything like that ... It's about his orgasm.

And where the "negotiation" point started of the compromise was sex every fkg day (!) one has to wonder. If wager most couples long-term let alone with families do not have sex every day.

If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc

God I wish women would stop agreeing to stuff they do not want to do.

I do not want to do anal or oral so I do not. If someone is asking something of you that you do not want, walk away. You should not have to put up with this sex pest of a man.

I'd love to know where to find a bloke who wants a daily shag. All the ones I meet are boring old farts.

*in her mind her family is dismantled

Thank you all for posting. Wow. I feel empowered hearing so many (all..?) of you saying how wrong you feel this.
It makes me feel so much better about my daily silent outrage.
Whilst I realise a degree of coercive control and emotional abuse have made appearances in our relationship, I had never made the connection that the sex expectation is exactly that.
I’m not sure what my ‘plan of action’ is yet.
But I’ll be damned to continue like this.
Thank you all for all your time and thought this morning.
You’ll be in my mind tomorrow at 7.15am x

Cannot agree more ... people don't throw around the word rape this easily!!

Coercive sex = rape. You may think men have a right to do this and it’s not rape, but the law disagrees with you, and so do most people here.

OP, so he doesn’t even kiss you and then wonders why you don’t want sex more?! Is he that fucking thick, or is it simply that he doesn’t give a damn if you want it or enjoy it, he thinks it’s your duty to grin and bear it? He’s revolting.

To be really honest, I don’t believe you are staying for the sake of the kids. Half of marriages end in divorce, that’s a lot of kids who have divorced parents - the world hasn’t crumbled. In fact, I remember feeling relieved when my parents split back in the 80s, sad but relieved. It certainly didn’t mess up my life. I think the real reason is that you’re scared to leave, it’s the unknown. So you’re convincing yourself that this isn’t a big deal instead, telling yourself that most women are unhappy with their sex lives, that their lives are miserable if they divorce etc. It’s not true OP, you need to leave. Imagine waking up in the morning without this rapey, selfish, abusive bastard in the bed next to you, without the fear of waking him and facing his expectations. You can have that life, you just need to find some courage.

@marble11

I'd love to know where to find a bloke who wants a daily shag. All the ones I meet are boring old farts.

Old and hook up sites are chick full of young men who'd fuck a crack in a plate .... Try on there.

Meanwhile, back on the subject of the thread ...

If wager most couples long-term let alone with families do not have sex every day

I did a straw poll of friends lately (30s with kids). 2-3 times a week was the better end if the spectrum. A lot of people having less. Men not pestering at all at that level.

Wow

Please leave this controlling rapist

That is not a good marriage please leave

I am 50. I would be horrified to discover even at my age that my mother had submitted to daily, unwanted sex when I was a child purely to keep the family together.

@Chillionice

Thank you all for posting. Wow. I feel empowered hearing so many (all..?) of you saying how wrong you feel this. It makes me feel so much better about my daily silent outrage. Whilst I realise a degree of coercive control and emotional abuse have made appearances in our relationship, I had never made the connection that the sex expectation is exactly that. I’m not sure what my ‘plan of action’ is yet. But I’ll be damned to continue like this. Thank you all for all your time and thought this morning. You’ll be in my mind tomorrow at 7.15am x

Maybe think about it now and start a conversation when your children are out of the way?

Not sure why waiting until he's ready to demand sex tomorrow is the ideal scenario here.

Hard to believe that you've never made any connection between control and emotional abuse and the sex. Your posts come over as an intelligent and educated woman. You must know this is all wrong.

@JinglingHellsBells - seriously, leave her alone. You’re coming over as very pushy - the OP will do her own thing in her own time.

[quote MaMelon]@JinglingHellsBells - seriously, leave her alone. You’re coming over as very pushy - the OP will do her own thing in her own time.[/quote]
Sorry. Not pushy, just hoping she will maybe work through some kind of plan or maybe try the Freedom support to help herself.

Make today the LAST time you let someone have sex with you that you don’t want OP. Let him sulk, gives you chance to make plans.

This sounds like an absolutely awful way to live. It’s really sad 😞 We don’t have loads of sex but usually once a week or so. If we are in our 50’s. I’m absolutely certain my husband would like it a lot more often but he definitely doesn’t pester for it.

@marble11

I'd love to know where to find a bloke who wants a daily shag. All the ones I meet are boring old farts.

They’re probably put off by how wildly inappropriate and insensitive you are. 🤨

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Chillionice What advice do you want?

You opening post was very eloquent. You described your life in very emotional language.

But your subsequent posts seem in comparison almost light-hearted and on a different level (eg the Tracy Cox comment.)

Do you appreciate the opinions here and how posters are trying to help?

What is your plan of action?[/quote]
This is common in abusive relationships. You tell someone/post on a forum during a particularly low point, then the feedback you get is that your situation is bad, really bad. You go into a dissociative state, deflecting with humour, minimising because suddenly facing up to your reality is overwhelming to do all at once.

OP will get there, but her natural coping strategies are kicking in I think. I've done the same myself.

Thanks yes. I can’t bear the thought of losing half the time with my kids. A split would mean split access to them. A sad 5 minute shag a day used to seem bearable in comparison to every other weekend etc without the kids. But as you can see, self identity struggling with that now.

@Sparklfairy - absolutely agree.

I bet you wont lose the kids 50% of the time. He'll threaten that but no way will he want to end up looking after kids half the week.

Why would a split mean loosing access? With a father like him I don’t expect your kids will be rushing to spend time with him!

This is sickening. I couldn't bear my ex husband touching me in the end.

Don't be a martyr op, you can leave with your children and they'll be just fine.