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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:

LimpLettice · 07/06/2021 09:38

OP, counselling with an abusive man is absolutely not recommended, and say what you will, your husband is abusive. Counselling alone, for you, to examine why you are tolerating this shit, might be an idea but I wouldn't look at counselling with him.

Look. You said it wasn't fair to draw parallels with your children, but you should love you as much as you love them, for their sake if not your own. You think a breakup will hurt them. I'm telling you they are living full time with a man who does not respect women, who worst of all does not respect their mother. They are girls, and they will know, they just will, that you are there for his use. The fact that he even wants sex in these circumstances is gross. Get rid!

SunnyMustard · 07/06/2021 09:41

This reply has been deleted

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C0nstance · 07/06/2021 09:43

This sounds AWFUL you poor thing.

Ending this relationship which sounds more of a sexpectation than a relationship would not be more traumatic than a break up.

Coconuttts · 07/06/2021 09:44

This is a horrible situation. OP, you need to leave this man. Its not right.

me4real · 07/06/2021 09:44

Urgh @Chillionice . I don't need sex anywhere near once a day, and am definitely not a morning person, so I can only imagine.

I really think you'd be happier separating from him. I dumped a lover for being a sex pest a year or so ago, and my life has been so much more relaxing and plesurable for it.

TheABC · 07/06/2021 09:44

OP, depending on the time of the month, I go from wanting no sex to wanting it constantly! DH always has the right to refuse - in which case he gets a light-hearted "no worries" and we kiss or cuddle. He knows I find him attractive and I know there will be another opportunity at a better time in the future. Plus, there's always solo play.

The point is; we respect each other. It does not sound like you have that at all. I winced when I heard you don't even kiss - what is sex without affection?

Abusive.

Bibidy · 07/06/2021 09:46

I can't get my head around how sex every single day is seen as a compromise between someone who wants it and someone who doesn't?????? Particularly by a counsellor!

Surely a compromise is once a week, or something like that?

Every day is just DH getting his own way and you aren't getting anything.

Kissthepastrychef · 07/06/2021 09:48

It's one thing to agree to sex when you really can't be arsed to please your partner but another thing completely to be subjected to this every single day.
I'll be totally honest here, I could quite happily never have sex again at the moment. I am several stone overweight and I hate the way I look. To be honest I can't believe that he wants to have sex with me. But every time I say no he just feels rejected - because miraculously he still fancies me and wants to have sex. So I do do it, out of love for him and understanding that he wants to share intimacy. And once we do it I'm glad we did and think "we should do this much more". I used to have a much higher libido than I do now and really enjoyed sex and when I lost weight we did it much more. Maybe that should be a wake up call for me 🤔

Sorry to derail a bit OP, you're so far from where I am, you don't even appear to have a husband that deserves consideration

fruitbrewhaha · 07/06/2021 09:49

Or he could actually compromise for the sake of his children and realise that forcing you into having sex is rape. How can he enjoy sex under these circumstances? Does he get satisfaction from coercing you OP?

I'm finding this quite chilling.

Lots and loads of people lead a very happy life away from exs. Thy go on to find other partners too. Don't stay for fear of the unknown. You only have one life OP, don't waste it being a vessel for this man.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 07/06/2021 09:49

I have no words OP! Everything you have wrote is just so shocking.
Your husband is abusing you every single day.
Please find the strength to tell him to fuck right off with his abusive sex needs.

therocinante · 07/06/2021 09:52

This is so, so sad.

OP, he is awful. Your children are not benefiting from their unhappy mother being coerced into being a sex doll for a man who emotionally abuses her when she doesn't comply.

DifferentHair · 07/06/2021 09:53

This is so sad. OP you deserve better than this :(

Wegobshite · 07/06/2021 09:53

My husband would like sex every day
Me I’m probably twice - three times a week
However I love him and want him happy so in between he will have a wank 😂 I will talk dirty to him and then ask him to mow the grass or wash my car 😂

I’m not saying that’s what you need to do but a reasonable man will understand that you don’t want to have sex every day and if he is carrying on even though you don’t want it and it’s obvious that you don’t then he’s scum

kidneynewname · 07/06/2021 09:53

Just to add to the masses.... your post sounds so sad and I don't think you truly realise the extent of how bad this is.

I've been married ten years, together 17 and this is not a respectful or loving relationship.

Sending you lots of strength

@JinglingHellsBells If you think she's a troll then report. No need for cryptic comments. And if you think within the space of hours it's reasonable for her to realise the extent of her problems, process them and formulate a plan then you're quite simply mad.

DifferentHair · 07/06/2021 09:54

Who is this fucking counsellor?!? Who would endorse this?

Please find a different counsellor- someone who will read him the riot act!

newtb · 07/06/2021 09:55

Leave

I know it's not easy, but this is soul-destroying.

I used to say 'no' to sex, 'D'H just carried on, so I used to dissociate to the pont where I fell asleep. I was young and stupid. Years later when I questioned this as I just couldn' t understand I was told he was desperate and it was the only way he could make love to me. He accused me of accusing him of being a rapist. I tried the different approach of asking him what his response would be if DD told him the same thing happened to her. His instant response was that it was rape.

Your dc will hear you. What sort of example of a relationship are you giving them? Whether DD or DS it's not good.

Don't go to counselling with him, find someone just for yourself, maybe via an organisation like rape crisis.

But, in a nutshell. Leave he's just treating you like a wank sock.

Whyhello · 07/06/2021 09:55

Sounds like the marriage is as good as over tbh. I can’t believe he actually forces the sex upon you every day, unless you’re a professional actress it must be blatantly obvious you’re not into it and that’s surely a turn off for most men. You shouldn’t be having sex you don’t want to have, that’s the crux of it really. I think you need to separate.

ComingOutOfMyCave · 07/06/2021 09:56

This sounds so awful I’m sorry you’re married to such a horrible person

I really don’t think any child would rather one of their parents was treated like this just so they have a happy home… which is just don’t see it can be?

Applesonthelawn · 07/06/2021 09:56

I also think people weaken this case considerably by using the word rape when you have agreed with this compromise. That said, I think it is one that you should not have felt pressured into agreeing, but people make all sorts of compromises in order to make marriages work - pretty much everyone with a successful marriage has made some compromises along the way so I well understand how you got to that place.
This compromise does however seem like a big step too far. It's making you understandably unhappy, and it doesn't sound like further compromises can be made. I think you just have to be open with him (I know you say he doesn't communicate) that it is making you miserable to be used like that and see where it goes.

MoppaSprings · 07/06/2021 09:57

Tell him that these daily sex sessions do nothing for you. Buy him a flesh light and tell him to fuck off to the bathroom for 5 minutes.
If he is really interested in having sex with you tell him what you need to get in the mood.
His need to ejaculate shouldn’t override you not wanting sex.

You have put up with it for long enough.

ComingOutOfMyCave · 07/06/2021 09:57

I hope your dc don’t grow up to think that sort of relationship is normal because your husband can’t have any respect for you and I can’t imagine treats you kindly

marmiteonmykeyboard · 07/06/2021 09:58

I am so sorry you are living like this. Can only echo the better worded advice of those who advise you to consider leaving this person. Where do you stand financially? Do you work? Could you access support from family or friends? CAB are still open for telephone advice. This situation can only become more distressing. You deserve so much more.

Velvian · 07/06/2021 10:01

Sending you love and strength @Chillionice. I know how hard it is when you finally realise that you are not the problem, that it is not your fault.

You build your life on the on the fact that you are the problem, that you should be ashamed and you learn to cope with it. When it becomes clear that this is not the case, it is extremely difficult to cope with.

You will get there, OP, and you will be stronger.

BertramLacey · 07/06/2021 10:03

if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.

So what? Why do you have to have sex you don't want to stop him being grumpy? What happens if you let him grump? Why is it OK for you to spend the day filled with dread and sadness, but not OK for him to be grumpy?

I'm older than you and I don't put up with this shit. I would never advise that this was normal or think anyone else should put up with it. It's not and they shouldn't.

jellyfrizz · 07/06/2021 10:06

If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc which is just off the agenda for me in light of the weight of this problem in our marriage.

I bet it’s not him getting it up the arse or going down on you though?

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