Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Sorry, OP has said that the baby would be fine to be left with a babysitter (family I think), and that her reason for not attending without the baby is due to her need to breastfeed to avoid getting mastitis. It’s the OP that wouldn’t be fine if she left the baby behind, not the baby.

@JewelGarden I cannot see how it is “precious” not to want a one year old playing up during your vows, but I think we differ more fundamentally. if you don’t agree that people getting married should be able to decide on the kind of celebration that they want on a very important occasion for them, then that’s fine - I disagree completely.

I was replying to this part:

you say why should OP make “all” the compromise. If the bride says OP can bring baby, what compromise is OP making?

Has the bride said they can bring the baby or is the OP (and by default her baby) still expected to make all the compromise?

Mastitis is absolutely the worst affliction I've ever had and I'd never knowingly increase my chances of it. I actually felt like I was going to die. YANBU!!

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I was replying to this part:

you say why should OP make “all” the compromise. If the bride says OP can bring baby, what compromise is OP making?

Has the bride said they can bring the baby or is the OP (and by default her baby) still expected to make all the compromise?

What I meant was this - hypothetically, IF the bride said OP could bring the baby, where’s the compromise?

A compromise is usually meeting someone half way isn’t it? Whereas what the OP wants - to take her baby - she has got, entirely. So it’s not a “compromise”, it’s the OP getting her own way. If baby goes, the bride makes “all the compromise” as far as I can see. What compromise would OP be making if baby goes?

(It’s emotive nonsense to talk about the baby making a compromise by the way. The OP has said she isn’t worried about the baby).

Put more simply, if the bride says OP can take her baby, why is she expected to make all the compromise?

It’s a more important day for her than for the OP, after all.

@SlipperyDippery

Put more simply, if the bride says OP can take her baby, why is she expected to make all the compromise?

It’s a more important day for her than for the OP, after all.

But she hasn’t, hence the predicament. IF the bride said the baby could go, there would be no issue.

And in my opinion, allowing your maid of honour to bring her baby, when you have allowed you family members to bring theirs, is not much of a compromise compared to being expected to leave a BF baby for two days when you have a history of mastitis.

It’s not even a child free wedding!

Yeah I suppose I’m saying you’re not actually suggesting a compromise, where both the bride and the OP meet in the middle. You’re suggesting the bride give in and the OP have it her own way. It’s not a compromise that you’re suggesting.

I already said upthread if it were me I would say bring the toddler, because I think to invite children of the wedding party doesn’t mean the bridge/groom have to invite everyone’s children. But let’s not pretend it won’t affect the day, the MOH having a child of that age in tow. I totally get why the bride and groom don’t want that and I don’t understand people who think it won’t make any difference.

I think people here just see the wishes of child free women as subordinate to those of mothers to be honest.

@SlipperyDippery

Yeah I suppose I’m saying you’re not actually suggesting a compromise, where both the bride and the OP meet in the middle. You’re suggesting the bride give in and the OP have it her own way. It’s not a compromise that you’re suggesting.

I already said upthread if it were me I would say bring the toddler, because I think to invite children of the wedding party doesn’t mean the bridge/groom have to invite everyone’s children. But let’s not pretend it won’t affect the day, the MOH having a child of that age in tow. I totally get why the bride and groom don’t want that and I don’t understand people who think it won’t make any difference.

I think people here just see the wishes of child free women as subordinate to those of mothers to be honest.

The bride doesn’t have to have the baby there. It’s totally her decision. She just can’t be miffed when people with babies don’t go.

I had a child free wedding (it wasn’t a child friendly venue). I accepted that it meant people may not be able to or may not feel comfortable leaving their babies.
My cousin got married (child free wedding) when my BF daughter was 8 months old and I didn’t go. The couple both understood why I was unable to come.

It’s the bride’s wedding. She can do as she pleases but she has to accept that those choices will impact whether her guests can come.

Well in that case we totally agree! Child free (or limited children) wedding is fine as long as the couple accept people might not be able to come

There are other possible compromises here. Maybe the OP's child, and whichever person is supposed to provide the childcare could come to tbe reception but not the ceremony, instead of being expected to sit in a hotel room 45 mins away for the OP to trail back and forth to? Maybe the bride, given it's her family's home, and 5 hours from where the OP lives, could help locate some alternative accommodation which would actually make it more feasible and cheaper for her friend to travel between the wedding and her child? Or maybe the bride could just acknowledge that this is a significant problem for her friend and indicate that she understands and won't take umbrage if she doesn't come? There are surely other more appropriate responses than "I'm sure you'll figure something out"?
As it is, the bride is probably going to have to compromise anyway. She'll get the "I don't want your child there" part of her wish, but not the "I do want you in my bridal party" bit.

@Cakeandcoffeea

I wouldn’t want to do that I’m afraid. And your “friend” is bloody terrible for making you make that decision in the first place 😒

Then @SarBear2021 should of said no when she was asked!

Breastfeeding woman think the world revolves around them, at 12 months baby should be weaned and have top ups, this is not the brides problem so stop making it one.

Breastfeeding woman think the world revolves around them, at 12 months baby should be weaned and have top ups, this is not the brides problem so stop making it one.

That comment says so much about you. The contempt for babies and their normal biological behaviour and needs is really ugly.

I think people here just see the wishes of child free women as subordinate to those of mothers to be honest.

I think people put the needs of babies first. Both parents and childfree people can understand that what babies and young children need often takes priority. I got that before I was a mum, my views haven’t changed at all.

OP your friend isn’t deliberately being unaccommodating. She just doesn’t understand. Why would she? Tbh when I read your OP I thought you were making excuses. You can’t leave your baby at home on the off chance you developed mastitis. To me that was the equivalent of someone saying that they can’t go to work today as it’s raining and they might catch the cold. It’s only by reading the responses that I realise that this is very real. I didn’t even appreciate the engorged breasts, the leaking, the need to pump and so on. I totally get it now.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think people here just see the wishes of child free women as subordinate to those of mothers to be honest.

I think people put the needs of babies first. Both parents and childfree people can understand that what babies and young children need often takes priority. I got that before I was a mum, my views haven’t changed at all.

I agree the welfare of a child should never be compromised - but this issue isn’t about the baby’s welfare (OP not worried about them being left, more her own health). In any case, the baby’s welfare is met if OP doesn’t go to the wedding.

The bride here has been very dismissive as I said upthread, but in principle I think it’s wrong to say children should have to be invited to weddings against the wishes of the bride and groom so that parents don’t have to decline the invitation. It is of course wrong as well for couples to expect parents to attend without their children unless they can make arrangements they’re comfortable with.

@MunroBagger also if she's had mastitis before (and let's be clear, mastitis is not just blocked milk ducts which I've had and it's bloody painful, it's a full blown infection with temperature) then she's at risk of it again.

Maybe bride think op will be looking after her baby all Day , which she will as dh is best man

A compromise is baby comes but stays in a room In house with granny etx and op feeds when needs to

Tho a crawling possibly walking one yr in one room
Isn’t my idea of fun

I think you have to be really clear with your friend that you need your EBF child to come with you to make this doable. If you are close enough to be her MoH then this should be an exception she would make for you.

It’s not a fuss about nothing. Mastitis can be really awful so is trying to use a pump when nothing comes out. It’s painful. If she had access to a room she could get to express to relieve the pressure that would help but there isn’t one according to post and it means exiting the wedding for periods of time.
I remember trying to “phase out “ or cut down breastfeeding in the run up to a wedding too and it’s not easy or guaranteed doing that to an imposed deadline.
It’s clear from her responses that the OP is greeting quite stressed out about this
I hope the Bride can try to be a bit more understanding of OPs decision and not hold it against her.

@SarBear2021 so have you had the chat yet

I’m bm i come and baby come

I step down as bm and attend wedding with baby , tho tbh a year old baby isnt the same as babe in arms - so wrong to ask

I step down from bm and don’t come to wedding as can’t bring 1yr and as feeding my breasts will explode /mastitis after 1.5/2 days of not feeding

I think you need to be blunt with friend and say not coming

If you really want to make it work then sure there must be a b&b /PREM in. Etx something within 45mins of house where someone can stay with 1yr

Who has your older 2?

Don’t go. If your friend really wanted you there she’d accommodate your baby asd your physical needs. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of a family growing- not an excuse for the bride to do whatever she wants no matter how upsetting for others.

What concerns me most is how disinterested she is in you comfort and welfare. I’d never hand a friend a problem like this 😢

So here’s the update

And just to answer the question which I’ve apparently left unanswered about returning to work; when I returned to work I’ll be able to feed the baby before I leave and when I get back so a maximum of 10 hours between feeds, which is a bit different to being away for 3 days and 2 night. Apologies for not clearing that up sooner, but I thought the time difference was relatively obvious.

So anyway...

I spoke to bride and she’s still adamant that the no children rule includes my baby. Although after some talking it became apparent that the underlying reason for this is cost related (they’re having external caterers) and bride feels like if she made an exception for one child then she’d have to make an exception for all children and it would increase the cost significantly.

So I’m pretty pissed off about that. I get that weddings are expensive but bride seems focused on her costs only and isn’t considering the cost to her guests of travel, accommodation, babysitters, etc. etc.

We’ve (DH and I) decided that we will be going and will take grandparents with us and pay extra for their hotel room. Then if necessary DH and I won’t be able to stay until the end but we’ll only mention that if/when we come to leave as at the moment I’m just irritated by the whole thing and don’t want to have any more discussion about it.

DH and I don’t want to let the couple down and will fulfil our duties on the day, but it’s likely that we’ll be cooling the friendship somewhat for a period of time at least after the wedding.

When we got married we did our guest list first and went from there. We did our best to try to make our guests feel relaxed and welcome. I do feel like Bride and Groom have started the other way by deciding what caterers and menu they want, then seeing how many people they can afford to cater for.

I'd ghost and block now and just save YOUR money and spend it haven't a nice little holiday with your family. I really wouldn't look back or care.

Having