Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

[quote surreygirl1987]@alltheusernamesarealreadytaken true, but equally it might be full days. A few of us have suggested a compromise of going for just one night (it's a 5 hour drive, but not abroad or anything) and she's claiming a 'risk to her health' which sounds a bit overdramatic to me. As I have mentioned, I'm in the same position with a 10 month old (who won't take a bottle!) But I'm leaving him st home for a night for a wedding next month (and I'm only a normal guest!). It can be done. It just takes effort and compromise. It's up to the OP really if she wants to do that. But not impossible.[/quote]
The bride has made it practically impossible for her.
Why should OP go to such extreme lengths when this could be solved by the bride allowing the baby to come like she has allowed the children in her family to attend? Why should the OP comprise so heavily when the bride is not budging an inch?
I wouldn’t leave my child overnight at that age either.

I wouldn't go. People getting married shouldn't expect guests (including the wedding party) to tie themselves in knots trying to be able to attend.

If you put obstacles in the way don't be surprised if people can't go

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken fair points. I guess everyone is different when it comes to kids, and that's fine. I'm leaving my breastfed 10 month old for a night for a wedding but that's my choice, and because I feel it's not that big a deal and I want to go. Just like it's the OP's choice whether she goes or not. But it's not impossible- it is a choice. And she should really let the bride know immediately if she's not going...

To be honest your health is more important as that can make you really ill. You have a baby to look after whilst you are suffering and it can also leave you with lumps once it's past. A friend had a lump removed from mastitis as it can also height her risk of breast cancer (it's in her family). For one day of celebration it's not worth it in my eyes. If she was a true friend, she wouldn't want to risk your health like that.

[quote surreygirl1987]@mrsavocet I think you missed the bit where I said I have a 10 month old who doesn't take a bottle. I'm back at work and my son is in nursery 10 hours a day despite this. It's far from ideal but it works. So I sort of have experience in this... It was tough when I went back to work when he was 6 months old but now he's practically a toddler![/quote]
No, I didn't miss it. The whole point is that whatever has worked for you, or indeed anyone else, will not necessarily be straightforward for the OP.
You have experience in your situation and your baby and you simply can't assume that the same things apply to the OP.
I also found solutions to working away from bottle refusing babies, for rather more than 10 months and on occasion for a lot more than 10 hours, but I know that what was fine for me and my babies wouldn't necessarily be so for others. For a start I had a pretty much bomb proof supply and never had so much as a blocked duct in over a decade, never mind mastitis so didn't need to worry about that. I was also willing to reverse cycle for years which is something not everyone can cope with or just plain wants to do. That was my choice and I wouldn't be critical of anyone who didn't choose the same option. Also the amount of effort and discomfort I was willing to put myself through to keep the mortgage paid and food on the table long term is a bit more than I'd happily undertake to attend a one off social event, so I wouldn't see the 2 situations as particularly comparable.
There's a big difference between "I did it and this is what worked for me, if you're interested" and "Well I did it so there's no reason why you can't too" which seems to be the prevailing attitude from a number of posters on this thread.
There are almost always solutions to problems of course, but not necessarily easy or particularly palatable ones. I can quite understand why the OP might not want to put herself to all the effort and expense of making the necessary arrangements, potentially disrupting her young child's feeding pattern and missing half the wedding anyway because she is either travelling back and forth to the hotel or trying to express for ages. If i had a friend who expected that of me, showed no willingness to compromise and was going to drop the friendship if I didn't comply, then honestly I wouldn't see the friendship as a major loss. Personally I'd just send a polite "thanks but no thanks" and stop worrying about it.

Yeh i had mastitis too. You're lucky you didn't... it is unpleasant. But I stand by what I say that ultimately, it is still a choice. Nothing is impossible. 🤷‍♀️ Fair enough if that's what the OP chooses to do... as I said, it is her decision... but it is still a decision. She has had plenty of examples of people's experiences, opinions and suggestions, but in the end she is the one who must decide what to do, and where the line is for her.

@Livpool exactly - it’s the brides choice to have her wedding however she wants and it’s the guests choice whether to go along with that or not. Sometimes people want a certain type of wedding in a certain location. It’s not always going through suit everyone. That doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have it just that guests should be able to say they can’t make it. Most rational brides will understand, but the guests don’t have to make it personal.

Have you told the bride yet op?

Even with no children she should be able to understand a breast fed baby needs feeding. It is not rocket science. As you have had the agony of mastitis before you definitely don't want that to happen again. If a kit day made it happen it is pretty obvious 2 days away from baby would bring it on. Tell your friend you love her but love your baby more and baby needs feeding. Does she expect your baby to go hungry while she feasts at her wedding? Regrettably you can't do the MoH duty unless baby can attend. Ideally you need someone looking after baby who can drive baby to you for a feed then take it back to hotel. If it is too expensive just tell her so.

But we are talking about what will be a one year old toddler ... who surely won't go hungry while the bride 'feasts' because toddlers eat food 🙈

I quite agree with you @surreygirl1987 it is a choice but some posters are making out that it's just a minor inconvenience and that the OP is some kind of bad person for not being willing to do this for her friend. I don't think that's the case. It might be a minor inconvenience for some mothers with similarly aged babies but it could well be a major issue for others.
The potential solutions for the OP are costly, troublesome and if she is one of those unfortunate women who get recurrent mastitis it could indeed make her ill. It isn't unreasonable to decide you don't want to do that.
The bride also has a choice and if she opts not to allow the young child of (presumably) one of her closest friends into her parents' home on her wedding day, and to tell said friend to "sort something out" then that is of course her prerogative. But its a choice that may have consequences that she doesn't like.

@surreygirl1987

But we are talking about what will be a one year old toddler ... who surely won't go hungry while the bride 'feasts' because toddlers eat food 🙈

The bride is refusing to compromise despite having other children/ babies there. Why should OP and a one year old be the ones making all the compromise? Why does a bride’s wants trump a one year old’s needs?

Hmmm the OP doesn't seem to be compromising at all either. Honestly, they just both need to get in a room and have a proper talk, and BOTH make compromises. The fact that the OP's husband will refuse to attend if the toddler doesn't get to go does strike me as spiteful and unnecessary.

Also... one year old's 'needs'? Really? Can a one year old never miss a feed? If not, I've messed up many a time! 🤦‍♀️

@mrsavocet, oh, no, I think you've misunderstood me - I do think it is a choice, just as it is the bride's choice to not have children there - but I think it's overdramatic to frame the reason for her choice as 'risk to her health'. Never mind though!

The fact that the OP's husband will refuse to attend if the toddler doesn't get to go does strike me as spiteful and unnecessary

Yeah this is petulance and op clearly doesn’t respect the bride and groom’s wishes for their wedding day.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken you say why should OP make “all” the compromise. If the bride says OP can bring baby, what compromise is OP making?

It’s not about the one year old’s needs, OP has said baby would be fine. It’s about OP being unable to pump and being at risk of mastitis I thought.

It’s two nights. That makes it more difficult

Tell her that unfortunately due to your history of mastitis, you won’t be able to come unless you can bring your breastfeeding baby. And then let her make the difficult decisions. Yanbu op.

I wouldn't go sorry she is being completely unreasonable who would leave their nine month old for 2 nights, nobody

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff hence why it has been suggested that she compromises by going for one night instead.

@slipperyDippery I couldn't agree more.

I can’t imagine where parents live to be no hotels inns prem travel lodge etc within 45m

Are they really in the middle of nowhere

I can name think 8 in 10/15mins drive of where I live

You need to talk to bride now

Be totally honest with her. Tell her the logistics won't work and you can bring the baby and that settles things, but you understand if this won't work and she wants to pick someone else as MoH. At least you will never feel bad for just not going - you will always know you gave your friend the option, and it's down to her whether or not she wants to accommodate you. Surely bridal party is on the same wavelength as family for a wedding.

@SlipperyDippery

Oh my god not walking shock how could the bride ever cope!

A newly mobile child is a pain at a wedding (unless they’re set up for children which this one isn’t). You can be sarky all you want, but you’re demonstrating either you don’t respect the bride and groom’s wish to have a wedding day they’ll enjoy, or that you don’t understand the issue with a child who has just turned one being there. It might be fine - but I’ve seen them really disrupt weddings, and it’s absolutely no fun for the parents either.

Oh come on, if they can't enjoy their wedding day because there's a child there (that they don't have to look after) then then there's something wrong. Most people are just happy to be getting married to each other, not complaining about their day being ruined because a child was there. It's so precious.

I suppose that means I fall into the camp that doesn't respect the bride and grooms wishes. Probably because I think weddings are ridiculous now and the demands from couples getting married are a massive pain in the arse. That could be colouring my judgement.

@SlipperyDippery

The fact that the OP's husband will refuse to attend if the toddler doesn't get to go does strike me as spiteful and unnecessary

Yeah this is petulance and op clearly doesn’t respect the bride and groom’s wishes for their wedding day.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken you say why should OP make “all” the compromise. If the bride says OP can bring baby, what compromise is OP making?

It’s not about the one year old’s needs, OP has said baby would be fine. It’s about OP being unable to pump and being at risk of mastitis I thought.

The bride has said that? If the baby can go then there is no issue.