Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

@SarBear2021

DH feels it would be awkward if I have to step down but he still went. Plus we would then be in a situation where we’re spending a load of money and time for a couple who don’t appear to value our friendship as much as we thought (on the assumption that bride cannot be flexible for my child).

Anyway, we could have the conversation and set out our predicament (again) and the bride is more accommodating so everything would be fine.

If the brides repsonse is still “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”, then both DH and I will be rethinking our friendship with the couple.

TBH the thought of having this conversation is making me feel sick. I really feel like it’s going to be the end of our friendship and I’m so sad and disappointed that it’s come to this.

But it's not about whether the bride values your friendship. You're making this too personal. She doesn't want loads of kids at her wedding so she's made a decision on how to manage that. How would it be fair if she let you bring your child and not other friends.

If she kicks off about you not coming then I'd question the friendship but to lose a friend because you can't take your child to her wedding is silly IMO.

Personally OP, it would feel more alienating for them if both you and your DH abstain. Your DH can always attend. Otherwise she will think you are both very angry at her. Personally I hate no babies demands as it's simply not possible but if you already knew about it at the time that you would still be breastfeeding now and still went along then YABU but it's still not a reason not say no now. Just tell her that it's impossible. If she says you will sort it out say there is nothing and keep repeating if needed.

This baby isn't going to be just a few months old though, right? Isn't it going to be a one year old toddler by the wedding? And also didn't the OP mention KIT days or returning to work or am I imagining that? If so, how is the baby going to be fed then..? I must admit I missed the bit where it said 90 mins to nearest hotel- wow! Where on earth is this place?! No airbnb or anything at all within an hour and a half's drive hat?! That does limit options slightly but I would still try to compromise on 1 night... at one year old that really should not be a 'risk to health' - I do think that is somewhat dramatic (and yes i have a 10 month old who refuses a bottle who I breastfeed but will be leaving him for a night to attend a wedding).

I hope your friend sees sense. I really don’t see the difference between family children and the child of you MoH.

I don't understand why family children are ok but one extra from the bridal party isn't?

It almost seems like she wants you to step down.

@MusicWithRocksIn1t Exactly. I can kind of understand drawing a line somewhere (although personally I much prefer weddings where children are included) to save on cost but the MOH is hardly a random cousin you haven't seen in years. By not inviting the distant relatives children you understand distant relative themselves might not come and presumably you don't care that much. You should care if your MOH attends!

@ERFFER

I dislike this “ no babies” at wedding crap. 10s of wild,buzzed up kids I could understand ( although I personally find them enjoying themselves, cute ) Babies are more easy ? My maid of honour had her baby with us ,about 16 months old. She said “ what if the baby cries when she sees me standing ?” I said “ well just go and get her ?pick her up?” What’s the big panic? 2 minutes of focus are lost on yous ? Say , sorry but no.

*also hate wedding that are in middle of nowhere/no where to stay /no coaches provided -I’m not going, soz.

You sound like a rational, kind human being who had a sense of proportion and sanity around your own wedding.

Wish there were more brides like you!

I would still try to compromise on 1 night

It's 5 hours away...

I wouldn’t go

She cannot expect you to leave your child unfed for two days or risk illness yourself. I would explain that you can leave your older children at home but you have to bring the baby or your won't be able to come. Then leave it to her. I assume you have a DP who can be there to look after baby when you are doing MOH duties?

I don't see why Dh can't still go. Seems a bit much that you would both stand down from bridal party roles. Anyway, best tell them asap so they can ask someone else to be MOH and groomsman.

@Localocal

She cannot expect you to leave your child unfed for two days or risk illness yourself. I would explain that you can leave your older children at home but you have to bring the baby or your won't be able to come. Then leave it to her. I assume you have a DP who can be there to look after baby when you are doing MOH duties?

Her Dh is a groomsman which leaves other guests having to look after the baby when they are having photos taken etc - not ideal.

@ERFFER

LeopardHawk I don’t get the whole “ acting like the Queen of Sheba” nonsense. Making everyone jump through hoops etc There’s a difference between getting pushed for certain flowers by the MIL or use your cousins photographer nephew etc lol or just being plain unreasonable. If you love the people you want at your wedding, and to share it with them - you need to make it enjoyable for everyone. Or be very chill when they don’t make it.

If all brides were like you, there would be no AIBU wedding threads

@squashminusisshit 5 hours away, yes.why does this mean it's impossible to attend for one night? I've done that before, and so did many of my guests and bridesmaids for my wedding which wasn't much easier than 5 hours for them!

I wouldn't go, even if the breastfeeding wasn't an issue. I wouldn't want to leave such a young baby for more than one night. If she doesn't understand thjs then she is not a very good friend.

OP, totally understand where you're coming from. Breastfeeding is a big deal and people dismissing your concerns about mastitis as an overreaction can take a seat. Doing one night only is also difficult as MoH has duties before, during and after the wedding so that's not fair on you or the bride (and it's five hours away!). I think you're absolutely doing the right thing and it might be a difficult conversation or it might be a really chilled and easy one
Good luck with it and let us know the outcome!

Doing one night only is also difficult as MoH has duties before, during and after the wedding

What exactly does a MOH do? I don't understand what is so onerous being a MOH or bridesmaid, unless the bride is particularly demanding.

My sister was my bridesmaid. She walked down the aisle behind me carrying a bouquet of flowers and was in the photos. I didn't need anything doing.

Have I missed where you’ve said how old your youngest will be at the wedding? 9 months now and a few months away, so just turned one?

To be honest, that is a nightmare age for a wedding. Newly mobile with no sense of danger and wanting to explore everywhere. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice when a fellow bridesmaid was trying to look after a toddler and it was stressful for the bride (not to mention the bridesmaid! But I’m sure you’ve thought of that).

If it were me I would make the exception for you rather than you not attend (I would also be surprised you wouldn’t leave your child of that age given you have childcare, and yes I have children who I breastfed. Your baby your call of course). However, I think you need to acknowledge that a bridesmaid taking a young mobile child is going to have an effect on her day and not take offence if she says no, and if she says yes, do your best to ensure no disruption.

I don’t blame her not wanting a child of 1ish there but I think she has been very dismissive of your situation saying “you’ll sort something out” when she should have said “I’d love to have you there, is there anything we can do to help logistically?” Eg baby in the mother’s house.

If she does say take your toddler, have a conversation about what her expectations are. For example, she wants you to get ready with her in the morning and stuff, who will have your little one given DH is a groomsman? You’ll probably have to sit that part out (which is fine - but I think it’s helpful to thrash this out before the day when tensions re often running high).

If you aren’t going to be moh

You need to let bride know ASAP

So be blunt and say I can be your bm and bring dc

Or

I can’t come as cant sort out something for 2 nights

Then her choice

When are you going to talk to her

@BradfordBrontesaurus yeh I agree with @rampantIvy ... what duties?! My MoH just had to wear a dress and walk down the aisle. Literally cannot think of a single other thing I asked her to do. Have a photo with me I guess? Anyway, this is the compromise I'm talking about - if she only goes for one night, and the bride therefore doesn't expect her to do whatever 'duties' MoH apparently do. Is this really such a huge issue?

Also I just re-read the OP's first post and she definitely mentions KIT days - so is she going back to work soon? If so won't the baby be drinking from a bottle anyway while she's at work? Or did while she was on KIT days at least? I'm very pro breastfeeding (both of mine were ebf and my 10 month old still is and will be past 1) but I can't imagine not attending a very close friend's wedding because of breastfeeding a toddler...

For the love of god don't frame it as "asking me to risk my health"
For the wedding. Most people wouldn't consider a one year old 'babe in arms' at all so it's not massively surprising she's said no at first!
Explain why it won't work and go from there. You seem to be spoiling for a fight from someone who presumably sees you like a best friend

@nelly I'm starting to agree, despite being initially sympathetic with the OP. The 'risking my health' but does seem incredibly overdramatic and for her husband to refuse to attend too if the toddler doesn't go i feel is a bit spiteful. I think many people (myself included) are forgetting this is not a young baby but a toddler who will be crawling, maybe even walking.

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