Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

OP - wouldn't you be due back at work in a few months if you have a 9 mth old- what will you be doing then so you don't risk your health?

Op would be feeding am and pm Once back at work

So wouidnt be 2days no feeding /massive sore boobs etx

Yeh, so she'd be missing just two feeds? Also, if she can pump she will be able to combat that issue anyway... which I presume she will be doing if she is returning to work soon and wants the baby to remain solely on breastmilk?

@surreygirl1987

Yeh, so she'd be missing just two feeds? Also, if she can pump she will be able to combat that issue anyway... which I presume she will be doing if she is returning to work soon and wants the baby to remain solely on breastmilk?

Sorry, have I missed the post where she says she’s going back to work soon?

OP, I wouldn’t leave my children overnight with someone other than husband at that age so don’t feel bad about it.

The bride has made demands which have backed you into a corner. You have to go with the only option left which is right for you.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken she has been asked that more than once
and she hasn't answered that question. But she has referred to having done a series of KIT days, so she is currently employed - so if the baby is currently 9 months old, then yes she will be returning to work soon won't she, even if she has chosen extended maternity leave - unless she has planned to quit her job, which she hasn't mentioned.

@surreygirl1987

Yeh, so she'd be missing just two feeds? Also, if she can pump she will be able to combat that issue anyway... which I presume she will be doing if she is returning to work soon and wants the baby to remain solely on breastmilk?

The OP has said more than once pumping doesn't work for her.

If the couple is justified in prioritising a child-free (but not really, as some children will be in attendance) wedding, I'd say any guest or member of the wedding party is every bit as justified in prioritising their own needs and wishes.

When people make it difficult for friends to attend a wedding (no children, no easy way to keep her child nearby), they shouldn't be surprised if there comes a point where the difficulties outweigh the desire to be there for the bride and groom.

So many people are so precious about their Special Day. Fine, but don't be angry when someone decides there are too many rules to make it worth attending.

[quote surreygirl1987]@nelly I'm starting to agree, despite being initially sympathetic with the OP. The 'risking my health' but does seem incredibly overdramatic and for her husband to refuse to attend too if the toddler doesn't go i feel is a bit spiteful. I think many people (myself included) are forgetting this is not a young baby but a toddler who will be crawling, maybe even walking.[/quote]
Oh my god not walking how could the bride ever cope!

@RampantIvy

Doing one night only is also difficult as MoH has duties before, during and after the wedding

What exactly does a MOH do? I don't understand what is so onerous being a MOH or bridesmaid, unless the bride is particularly demanding.

My sister was my bridesmaid. She walked down the aisle behind me carrying a bouquet of flowers and was in the photos. I didn't need anything doing.

There's serious fawning to be done.

@surreygirl1987

Yeh, so she'd be missing just two feeds? Also, if she can pump she will be able to combat that issue anyway... which I presume she will be doing if she is returning to work soon and wants the baby to remain solely on breastmilk?

No, not necessarily. Reverse cycling is pretty common in breastfed babies when their mothers return to work, particularly if the baby won't take a bottle and/or the mum can't or doesn't want to express. There's a variety of potential return to work feeding solutions that don't involve a bottle. Not every 12 month old is only having one or two breastfeeds a day and not every mother finds expressing easy. Even when I was tandem feeding and had a vast supply of milk I struggled to express anything. The only way that I could get a half reasonable amount was to express off one breast whilst feeding a baby from the other.Had I been in the same situation as the OP I would probably have spent several hours of the wedding sat in a bedroom getting stressed out struggling to express so may as well not have bothered being there anyway. People are different. Just because some breastfeeding mothers would find this scenario easy to manage doesn't mean that the OP will. And given that she's mentioned that her KIT days didn't go particularly well, with her developing mastitis it's not surprising that she doesn't want to repeat that experience is it? She may well be also very worried about how she is going to manage when she goes back to work, but this isn't a thread on that subject - its about this particular wedding. And most of us don't have a huge amount of choice as to whether we go back to work whereas weddings are entirely optional, so the two circumstances aren't really comparable. For what its worth ai don't think the bride is wrong to want a child free wedding, but nor is the OP wrong not to want to leave her baby. The sensible thing is for her to step down as MoH and both women to accept the situation and move on.

it was clear from the first post that OP wanted to make a drama out of it. Just don’t go. ‘Risking my health’ and ‘re-considering our friendship’ . I’d be glad to be rid of you.

@Tistheseason17

OP - wouldn't you be due back at work in a few months if you have a 9 mth old- what will you be doing then so you don't risk your health?

Not everyone works, or works full days.

If OP does work full time, she would be missing a feed or two but still feeding before and after work and probably at night - breastfed babies tend to "catch up" missed feeds later on. Totally different to missing 2 whole days and nights.

@RampantIvy and @surreygirl1987

When I've been MoH (admittedly only twice so I might have a skewed sample!) the brides wanted me and the other maids staying with them the night before (mostly calming them down and making sure any last minute issues were sorted), getting ready together on the morning (with photographer), and also being the backstop for any "emergencies" that arose (broken zipper etc!). Then during the ceremony being on hand for the bride, holding her bouquet, making sure her train was fanned out for photos, carrying bride's touchup make up, applying touch up make up, and making sure hair, veil, makeup, and dress are all keeping as they should, then similar for photos afterwards, then during reception it lightens up a bit but still being the backstop for emergencies/issues that arise. Oh, and accompanying bride to the toilet to hold her dress up off the ground while she ahem does what she needs to do!

In addition, for one wedding myself and the best man also had the task of running interference on the bride's mother and eldest brother who were trouble makers, but I don't think that's a regular MoH duty!!

As I understand it, that's the whole point of being a MoH, not just a bridesmaid. Actually, not that much honour and a lot of work

[quote surreygirl1987]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken she has been asked that more than once
and she hasn't answered that question. But she has referred to having done a series of KIT days, so she is currently employed - so if the baby is currently 9 months old, then yes she will be returning to work soon won't she, even if she has chosen extended maternity leave - unless she has planned to quit her job, which she hasn't mentioned.[/quote]
Ah ok. So we don’t know the circumstances about work which makes irrelevant really.
She might work within 10 minutes of where her child is being cared so she can pop on her breaks to feed her.
She might only be going back a few hours in the morning.
It’s not relevant to being away from your baby for multiple days.

Step down from your role and attend as a 'normal' guest with babe in arms.
You absolutely cannot leave your baby for two nights if you are breastfeeding. And who would you even leave your baby with if DH is also at wedding anyway?

@SadFace1983

Step down from your role and attend as a 'normal' guest with babe in arms. You absolutely cannot leave your baby for two nights if you are breastfeeding. And who would you even leave your baby with if DH is also at wedding anyway?

The baby is not invited Did you miss that bit? It's kind of the whole point

Oh my god not walking shock how could the bride ever cope!

A newly mobile child is a pain at a wedding (unless they’re set up for children which this one isn’t). You can be sarky all you want, but you’re demonstrating either you don’t respect the bride and groom’s wish to have a wedding day they’ll enjoy, or that you don’t understand the issue with a child who has just turned one being there. It might be fine - but I’ve seen them really disrupt weddings, and it’s absolutely no fun for the parents either.

TBH the brides you were MOH to sound rather high maintenance @BradfordBrontesaurus. I didn't want or need that kind of attention when I got married.

it was clear from the first post that OP wanted to make a drama out of it. Just don’t go. ‘Risking my health’ and ‘re-considering our friendship’ confused. I’d be glad to be rid of you.

Are you the bride @cinammonbuns?

@rampantivy
Same here, my bridesmaids and I had a nice time getting ready then they walked behind me and looked nice in the photos.
Job done

Feckin hell @BradfordBrontesaurus I do less at work! I just wanted my bridesmaids to turn up, be in a couple of photos and enjoy themselves. And my MOH was breastfeeding so her 6 month old was there and was (quite rightly) her priority.

I adore children but also had a child free wedding. I’ve been to enough weddings where people are inconsiderate about not taking their crying/disruptive kids out to not want to risk it at mine. A one year old I can imagine would be very annoying at a wedding.

Given we have been in lockdown for the last year your child is probably less used to other people than most one year olds would be. Even during normal times most one year olds wouldn’t be happy being minded by your friend who they probably don’t know very well whilst you and dh are up front for the service. So it seems unrealistic that someone could mind them for you anyway.

I also imagine that as the bride is late thirties if she allowed children a lot of their peers would have kids and they might not be able to accommodate the numbers. It’s a lot easier to have a blanket ban or just allow close family children.

Perhaps the bride could be more accommodating but she probably doesn’t want to be given the child will be one-ish and not a very wedding friendly age. It’s her prerogative to have her wedding as she wants it. You’ve known for a long time you would be having a baby and would be breast feeding it and should have thought of this before.

I breastfed and remember having to go to an overseas wedding when my first was 5 months old. It took me weeks to get her to accept a bottle of expressed milk but I kept trying and it all worked out. Yes it was uncomfortable for me being away but it was worth it for my friendship with my friend. I also think it’s lovely for grandparents and grandchildren to be able to forge a bond without the parents around.

If you absolutely can’t make it work for you, and I think the onus should be on you to make it work not the bride as it’s her day, then you should gracefully bow out and do it as nicely as you can. For your dh to pull out too is making such a statement and feels dramatic and childish. Don’t be selfish enough to upset her before her wedding day. If you both want to gradually draw back from the friendship later then fine but don’t be mean before the wedding.

I also am intrigued as to where could possibly be 90 minutes to the nearest hotel/Airbnb etc these days. Where is the location of the wedding?

I breastfed and remember having to go to an overseas wedding when my first was 5 months old.

You didn't have to go. You chose to go.

@mrsavocet I think you missed the bit where I said I have a 10 month old who doesn't take a bottle. I'm back at work and my son is in nursery 10 hours a day despite this. It's far from ideal but it works. So I sort of have experience in this... It was tough when I went back to work when he was 6 months old but now he's practically a toddler!

@alltheusernamesarealreadytaken true, but equally it might be full days. A few of us have suggested a compromise of going for just one night (it's a 5 hour drive, but not abroad or anything) and she's claiming a 'risk to her health' which sounds a bit overdramatic to me. As I have mentioned, I'm in the same position with a 10 month old (who won't take a bottle!) But I'm leaving him st home for a night for a wedding next month (and I'm only a normal guest!). It can be done. It just takes effort and compromise. It's up to the OP really if she wants to do that. But not impossible.