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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu- mum refused to look after my DD

147 replies

whatwherewhenwhywho · 06/06/2021 21:46

Namechanged

will try to give as much info so i'm not drip feeding.

I have 2 Dds. My Mum loves and gets on well with older dd (10) who is from my ex partner. Older dd stays at mums house every friday. Mum lives very close by to me and we are around quite abit (she calls me around if i miss a day ). My brothers and their children live there aswell. Younger Dd is nearly 2 and from current partner (and my partner my mum doesn't really like). Dd (2) has never stayed over at my mums. Ive never asked nor have they offered. DD (2) is very attached to me and wants me around her all time, if not me then her dad. Ive never really been a day without her since she has been born but i'm fine with that.
The other day I went down to mums with both DDs. It was raining so I dropped my Dd (2) to my mums and went to post a letter 2 streets away ( my mums is in middle). I didn't plan to drop her off but when walking past my mums my nephew (who lives there too) was outside and he said he'd take her in as it was raining. I got a call few mins later ringing me to come back asap as dd was crying for me. This annoyed me a bit as I was literally no more than 10 mins and I thought my mum should have tried a little harder to quieten her down instead of ringing me as I told nephew I'd be very quick.
Today I was at mums. Popped into the garden and DD started crying as she thought i'd gone. Mum started saying oh shes a nightmare such hard work etc. I am due DS in sept. I said to my mum I was hoping she would get better with this crying soon as I am wanting her to stay with her (mum) for when I am going to go in for my elective c section. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me (like thats an option). She went on one like I should tell hospital to make an exception (covid rules) and say I have no one to look after. I said thats fine and came home soon after. Didn't tell mum I was upset and kissed her goodbye etc like normal. Ive come home and i'm gutted, I cant stop crying. It's really got to me.

For the record my niece (3) who is my brothers daughter who also lives at my mums, is very attached to my mum. my mum adores her takes her everywhere.My niece is very spoilt and she literally cries at everything, hits my dd, never shares toys etc. so when they get together it IS hard work. But Basically what i'm trying to say is niece is also such hard work but my mum adores her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous for my younger DD.

So my aibu is / aibu to think that mum should have at least tried harder with my DD rather than just refusing. Am i being hormonal? I know mum has every right to say no but I do so much for her I never thought she'd say no.

Thanks if you got to the end x

OP posts:
MouseInCatsClaws · 06/06/2021 21:49

Yanbu. That's a bit crap of your mother and I would be really hurt.

cansu · 06/06/2021 21:52

This does sound pretty horrible. I think though that 2 yrs is a very hard age to leave your dd with someone she isn't comfortable with. It is the height of clinginess. It is however odd that your mum is not closer to her given that you see her so often. I would be honest with your mum that going in to have a baby means you do need her to step up. Your dd needs to start spending more time with her now little and often to get more used to being with her.

Moonshine11 · 06/06/2021 21:53

YANBU

Yeah that’s shit of her. I think it’s awful she’s said no whilst you go in for your baby!

How are you with your DPs parents? Can they look after her for you?

daisypond · 06/06/2021 21:53

YANBU. Your mum could help. I’d be hurt.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 06/06/2021 21:54

YANBU. I think you need to spell all this out to your mum, all about how you feel about your niece and how you don't think she's being fair. You need to have someone look after your kids for your c-section, she's being ridiculous.

TDogsInHats · 06/06/2021 21:55

Yanbu . You poor thing, how on earth would taking a toddler in to hospital while you're having a C-section work??
I remember asking my mum to please have my three children (aged under four) while I was packing up our house for a house move. She refused, this was decades ago and I'm still able to feel disappointed about it!

princesslarmadrama · 06/06/2021 21:55

Maybe take a step back in going round there everyday. You maybe need some space from one another. I couldn't see my mum everyday.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 06/06/2021 21:57

To not want your DD around routinely is one thing, and probably understandable at this stage. But your mum not being willing to suck it up for a day and make it work when it comes to your c-section?! That is bonkers. I think you’re right to feel upset, though I’m not sure there’s anything you can do about it. Could a friend or neighbour take DD for the day?

Ozanj · 06/06/2021 21:58

I think you need to spell this out to her. She can’t play favourites like this and if she’s going to then remove all of your kids from her influence.

parietal · 06/06/2021 22:00

so can one of your brothers look after your DD? at your house if needed?

And definitely visit your mum less often if she is this negative.

MaMelon · 06/06/2021 22:00

Yeah, that’s pretty crap of your mum. I know 2 year olds can be hard but it doesn’t sound like she’s making any effort at all and is taking out her dislike of your DP on his child. You’re not asking her to take your DD while you go out on the town, you’re asking her for help when you really really need her - I can’t imagine saying no to my adult daughter if she was in your position. I’m so sorry that you’re on the receiving end of this Sad

Just a wee word of warning - this is AIBU and maybe not the best place to post if you’re already feeling a bit bruised.

Annasgirl · 06/06/2021 22:01

I’m always amazed that people expect their parents to help them rear their children. My parents never did this. I never expected it. You probably need to organise someone else - what about friends or siblings?

Yes I understand that you are upset. But you need to make your peace with this and either reduce the time you spend with your mum or accept that she does not like your dd. I would find it hard to accept, so I would probably reduce contact.

But as for your DC - I think it is unfair to expect grandparents to provide childcare.

bowchicawowwow · 06/06/2021 22:04

YANBU I can understand GP's not wanting to be routine childcare but suggesting you take your DD to hospital while you undergo a c-section is ridiculous and very unkind of her.

AlmostSummer21 · 06/06/2021 22:05

@cansu. Blimey which entitled shelf did you fall off?

She should tell her Mum to step up?!

@whatwherewhenwhywho

I can understand that you're hurt on your own behalf and DD2's

Your mum is probably hurt that DD2 cries for you when she's with her and instead of working on her relationship with DD2 she just blames DD2 and says she's hard work.

Does DD2 not settle with DD1 at your mums?

What do you do for your mum?

MintMatchmaker · 06/06/2021 22:06

Is there a reason your Mum doesn’t like your partner?

Yanbu but it does sound odd given the family set up that she’s said no. You all sound very close and so I wonder what’s behind it? Could you ask her?

thecatfromjapan · 06/06/2021 22:06

Is it possible your mother has reached her full capacity of children and grandchildren?

She seems to do an awful lot of child looking-after and adoring. And her living arrangements sound quite full-on. She must have a vast house.

I also wonder how tactfully you put your request for the Caesarian childcare? Responding to her handing your daughter back with, 'Well, you're going to have to do better because you'll be looking after her when I'm in with this one ...' might not have been the best approach.

Where's your partner in all this? You know he can look after the children/arrange childcare? It doesn't have to be your mother.

All of that said, I would find the difference in treatment between the two daughters rather tricky. How has that situation arisen? You probably all need to have a chat about that before your second daughter is old enough to notice there's a difference.

It's lovely that you are all so close but, my goodness, it does also sound quite suffocating. That can sometimes inhibit clear lines of communication.

Good luck with the upcoming birth.

MyMabel · 06/06/2021 22:07

Cut ties until she can treat them equally. Younger DD will grow up seeing the favouritism between her and her sister and it will be upsetting for everyone, younger DD will feel unloved and inadequate and always questioning why she isn’t good enough. (Speaking from experience)

Remove your children from you toxic mother until she learns the error of her ways. You’ll feel a lot better for it too.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/06/2021 22:07

It's a shame your mum won't look after her for you, but you seem to be quite close to all your family - can your father, your partners father, your brother, your partners mother etc etc not have her? Why does it have to be your mum?

Aprilwasverywet · 06/06/2021 22:08

Ime she is punishing you via your dd because she doesn't like your dp.
I didn't see my dm for 10 YEARS after she flounced home when ds was a few months old as she didn't like his df... She was fuming I wasn't taking her opinion on board and dumping him.

ChrissyPlummer · 06/06/2021 22:08

Hmmm...she is U on the face of it. However, I know someone who’s DGD just cried the whole time if she wasn’t being held by her DM. Even if DM was in touching/sight distance, she’d scream her head off. She was SO much hard work for anyone as she just wouldn’t settle, even for other family members.

daisypond · 06/06/2021 22:09

@Annasgirl
The OP is not expecting the grandparents to help rear grandchildren. She has just asked her mum to mind her toddler while she’s in hospital having surgery.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/06/2021 22:09

It sounds like your mum is doing loads. She doesn’t have to look after your kid.

nancy75 · 06/06/2021 22:10

@Annasgirl

I’m always amazed that people expect their parents to help them rear their children. My parents never did this. I never expected it. You probably need to organise someone else - what about friends or siblings?

Yes I understand that you are upset. But you need to make your peace with this and either reduce the time you spend with your mum or accept that she does not like your dd. I would find it hard to accept, so I would probably reduce contact.

But as for your DC - I think it is unfair to expect grandparents to provide childcare.

It’s for one day while the op has a c section, it’s a very long way from raising her child.
UhtredRagnarson · 06/06/2021 22:11

Well I think it might have been a better idea to ask your mum if she will have your DD when you give birth, rather than just assume she would. That’s very presumptuous of you. You’ll need to arrange someone else to have her or else your partner will just have to stay home with her.

Wolfiefan · 06/06/2021 22:12

You’ve said your daughter will only settle with you or her dad. So I can see why your mum doesn’t want to deal with an upset toddler for hours. I would feel the same.