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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu- mum refused to look after my DD

147 replies

whatwherewhenwhywho · 06/06/2021 21:46

Namechanged

will try to give as much info so i'm not drip feeding.

I have 2 Dds. My Mum loves and gets on well with older dd (10) who is from my ex partner. Older dd stays at mums house every friday. Mum lives very close by to me and we are around quite abit (she calls me around if i miss a day ). My brothers and their children live there aswell. Younger Dd is nearly 2 and from current partner (and my partner my mum doesn't really like). Dd (2) has never stayed over at my mums. Ive never asked nor have they offered. DD (2) is very attached to me and wants me around her all time, if not me then her dad. Ive never really been a day without her since she has been born but i'm fine with that.
The other day I went down to mums with both DDs. It was raining so I dropped my Dd (2) to my mums and went to post a letter 2 streets away ( my mums is in middle). I didn't plan to drop her off but when walking past my mums my nephew (who lives there too) was outside and he said he'd take her in as it was raining. I got a call few mins later ringing me to come back asap as dd was crying for me. This annoyed me a bit as I was literally no more than 10 mins and I thought my mum should have tried a little harder to quieten her down instead of ringing me as I told nephew I'd be very quick.
Today I was at mums. Popped into the garden and DD started crying as she thought i'd gone. Mum started saying oh shes a nightmare such hard work etc. I am due DS in sept. I said to my mum I was hoping she would get better with this crying soon as I am wanting her to stay with her (mum) for when I am going to go in for my elective c section. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me (like thats an option). She went on one like I should tell hospital to make an exception (covid rules) and say I have no one to look after. I said thats fine and came home soon after. Didn't tell mum I was upset and kissed her goodbye etc like normal. Ive come home and i'm gutted, I cant stop crying. It's really got to me.

For the record my niece (3) who is my brothers daughter who also lives at my mums, is very attached to my mum. my mum adores her takes her everywhere.My niece is very spoilt and she literally cries at everything, hits my dd, never shares toys etc. so when they get together it IS hard work. But Basically what i'm trying to say is niece is also such hard work but my mum adores her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous for my younger DD.

So my aibu is / aibu to think that mum should have at least tried harder with my DD rather than just refusing. Am i being hormonal? I know mum has every right to say no but I do so much for her I never thought she'd say no.

Thanks if you got to the end x

OP posts:

NameyNameyNameChangey · 06/06/2021 22:55

My dads family favoured my brother massively over me. Ss your younger child gets older, if this continues she will notice and resent it.

It's not UR of your mum to not want to have your younger DD I suppose. But it's a bit crap really.

Original poster

whatwherewhenwhywho · 06/06/2021 22:56

@Cocomarine

I think this thread is going to have a lot of irrelevant replies - like my first ones - thinking that you are asking too much of your mother.

It’s just pointless to ask your AIBU, unless people are aware of why she won’t. Which is blatantly because she’s a racist. (yes, I know caste isn’t legally a race, but the discrimination is as disgusting)

Thank you coco. I agree. I was actually so upset that I posted with out thinking really. But i have got it off my chest and feel a tinge better already. Thank you everyone for ALL the replies x

OP posts:

Lorw · 06/06/2021 22:57

Wow. this has nothing to do with her being overwhelmed! It has everything to do with your mums prejudice, why are you letting your children be subjected to that? Your little boy is also going to be here in September! It is not okay for them to be treat like that, I certainly wouldn’t let ANY family member (or anyone for that matter but especially family) treat my husband or children like that.

Get out of that toxic situation for the sake of your children OP.

thecatfromjapan · 06/06/2021 22:57

I think Coco's correct.

And I also think the whole situation is going to get worse.

I'm sorry, OP. I suspect you don't want to hear that.

💐💐

NameyNameyNameChangey · 06/06/2021 22:58

Yikes I should have read the updates first.
I'd actually stop your mother having contact with your older daughter, if she's going to consider your younger one a lower caste. That's really damaging, to both children.

thecatfromjapan · 06/06/2021 22:58

☹️

You're a strong, caring woman. I'm sure you are going to fill your life , and the lives of your little family, with enormous amounts of love.

ZenNudist · 06/06/2021 22:59

All sounds very hard. It's good you have a plan for the CS. Sorry but i think you need to distance yourself from your racist mother and tell her that it's come to a head over the lack of support for CS. She either loves all your dc equally or you don't see her. Anything else is damaging to your dc.

me4real · 06/06/2021 23:01

@whatwherewhenwhywho Out of interest, why does your DP not have anything to do with his own family?

User57327259 · 06/06/2021 23:02

Maybe your partner has offended your DM so much that she has taken this attitude. It is not right for your DD2 but sometimes there is more going on between the conduct of partners and the DM.
Are none of your SILs available to look after your DDs at your house away from DM. Or is there are problem with them?

NovemberRain2 · 06/06/2021 23:03

Clingy, crying children are very hard work though. We had this with DH's neice. We have a lovely, close and affectionate relationship with my neices and nephews because they were not raised to be clingy. But my SiL and her partner allowed their daughter to be clingy and demanding. So we never really had much quality time with her. She's less clingy now she is a bit older but it has affected the relationship.

You need to teach your dd to behave and be comfortable if left with her grandmother for a short period of time. While I sympathise with your Csection dilemma, it's not your mum's problem to fix.

Original poster

whatwherewhenwhywho · 06/06/2021 23:03

[quote me4real]@whatwherewhenwhywho Out of interest, why does your DP not have anything to do with his own family?[/quote]
It was a financial issue between them they had long before we met. I really don't want to "drip feed" any more than that.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 23:03

@whatwherewhenwhywho huge hugs to you I know it’s very easy for me to mouth off in outrage with my fingers, but you’re the one living it.

Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 23:06

@NovemberRain2 perhaps the toddler is unhappy when left with grandmother for a damn good reason - that she is treated badly when there because of her caste? I’d be clingy for my mother if - as a crying 2yo - my grandmother’s response was to phone my mother to see to me, instead of picking me up, cuddling me, distracting me, chatting to me...

timeisnotaline · 06/06/2021 23:07

I think given the caste element you need to step away from your mum. Please be honest with her- I need to visit less as it seems you are never going to accept and love my daughter, so I need to protect her from knowing her grandma is like that, especially in comparison to my older daughter. If they marry from another caste or divorce I will never ever abandon them, they are my children. You don’t want your 10yo spending much time there either, she will come home one day and treat her sister as lesser as her grandma has taught her she is. Your mum sounds miserable and controlling calling you every day to come round, you don’t have to answer your phone. But she should know why so she can’t pretend it’s something else.

It’s horrific parents can be like this. Abandoning you after your divorce 😮 rationing out ‘love’ based on something like race or caste.

TropicalFairyCake · 06/06/2021 23:07

How are you financially?

We were in similar but different situation and had to stay in hospital after the birth and husband had to look after child.

I really wish we'd paid a childminder to get to know the child over the months with an arramgement for them to be available.

Nursery is okay if you give birth in the middle of the day but its rarely quick and often at night!

NinaMimi · 06/06/2021 23:08

One thing about drip feeding is you can now tell the people who read all the OPs replies as some people are still coming in in support of the mother.

I agree that it’s clearly got something to do with the caste for why she’s taken a dislike to the daughter so while I get you don’t want to talk about that it’s obviously an important issue in the dynamics of relationships.

NovemberRain2 · 06/06/2021 23:09

[quote Cocomarine]@NovemberRain2 perhaps the toddler is unhappy when left with grandmother for a damn good reason - that she is treated badly when there because of her caste? I’d be clingy for my mother if - as a crying 2yo - my grandmother’s response was to phone my mother to see to me, instead of picking me up, cuddling me, distracting me, chatting to me...[/quote]
Maybe. But OP suggested she was clingy.

Livelovebehappy · 06/06/2021 23:17

God, she sounds like a saint! She seems to do so much for everyone, I feel there must be a bit more of a back story as to why she doesn’t want to help in this situation. Sounds like she doesn’t get a break from all the kids.

Sittingonabench · 06/06/2021 23:21

That’s so sad. From your initial posts it seemed as if the distance between you dd and Dom may have been facilitated by you as like you say she had never had her for any period of time away from you but your updates suggest this isn’t due to your attachment but more a prejudice from your DM, u set which circumstances I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her either. Unfortunately with these things the devils in the detail but it certainly doesn’t strike me as hormonal and I understand why your upset on a deeper level.

QioiioiioQ · 06/06/2021 23:22

@stackemhigh

Your mum is discriminating against your DH and younger dd because of your H’s caste.

This means things are going to get very hard for your dd as she grows up, especially as you are so enmeshed.

Time to move away.

Yes it's deliberate discrimination driven by her 'primitive' belief system

Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 23:24

@Livelovebehappy rather than feeling that there might be a backstory, there’s a handy “see all” function for OP posts. HTH.

Nancydrawn · 06/06/2021 23:24

@Livelovebehappy, I think this is one of those times where you really ought to read the entire thread (or at least the OP's posts) before commenting.

Treating your granddaughter badly because she's of a different caste than you is not particularly saintlike

User57327259 · 06/06/2021 23:27

You said the problem between DP and his parents was a financial issue but you did not say which way that was. Did DP borrow and not pay back or did the family borrow and not pay back?

Could it be that there is some unease in your family about how financially stable your partner is?

I am not very knowledgeable about the Caste system. I dont know if it is financially related or something similar to the type of job a person has. Could your family be worried that DP is going to be a financial burden to you or your family?
You really need to totally understand why your family are not happy with your partner. Do you think the family are seeing something you are missing?

Anoisagusaris · 06/06/2021 23:30

Do you work? One of the benefits of having a childminder/creche/nursery is that you have back up childcare. My kids went to creche as normal when I had my 2 elective c sections and we just needed family to mind them for an hour in the morning and a couple of hours in the evening.

GertietheGherkin · 06/06/2021 23:33

[quote me4real]@whatwherewhenwhywho Out of interest, why does your DP not have anything to do with his own family?[/quote]
What's that got to do with you?

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