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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu- mum refused to look after my DD

147 replies

whatwherewhenwhywho · 06/06/2021 21:46

Namechanged

will try to give as much info so i'm not drip feeding.

I have 2 Dds. My Mum loves and gets on well with older dd (10) who is from my ex partner. Older dd stays at mums house every friday. Mum lives very close by to me and we are around quite abit (she calls me around if i miss a day ). My brothers and their children live there aswell. Younger Dd is nearly 2 and from current partner (and my partner my mum doesn't really like). Dd (2) has never stayed over at my mums. Ive never asked nor have they offered. DD (2) is very attached to me and wants me around her all time, if not me then her dad. Ive never really been a day without her since she has been born but i'm fine with that.
The other day I went down to mums with both DDs. It was raining so I dropped my Dd (2) to my mums and went to post a letter 2 streets away ( my mums is in middle). I didn't plan to drop her off but when walking past my mums my nephew (who lives there too) was outside and he said he'd take her in as it was raining. I got a call few mins later ringing me to come back asap as dd was crying for me. This annoyed me a bit as I was literally no more than 10 mins and I thought my mum should have tried a little harder to quieten her down instead of ringing me as I told nephew I'd be very quick.
Today I was at mums. Popped into the garden and DD started crying as she thought i'd gone. Mum started saying oh shes a nightmare such hard work etc. I am due DS in sept. I said to my mum I was hoping she would get better with this crying soon as I am wanting her to stay with her (mum) for when I am going to go in for my elective c section. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me (like thats an option). She went on one like I should tell hospital to make an exception (covid rules) and say I have no one to look after. I said thats fine and came home soon after. Didn't tell mum I was upset and kissed her goodbye etc like normal. Ive come home and i'm gutted, I cant stop crying. It's really got to me.

For the record my niece (3) who is my brothers daughter who also lives at my mums, is very attached to my mum. my mum adores her takes her everywhere.My niece is very spoilt and she literally cries at everything, hits my dd, never shares toys etc. so when they get together it IS hard work. But Basically what i'm trying to say is niece is also such hard work but my mum adores her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous for my younger DD.

So my aibu is / aibu to think that mum should have at least tried harder with my DD rather than just refusing. Am i being hormonal? I know mum has every right to say no but I do so much for her I never thought she'd say no.

Thanks if you got to the end x

OP posts:

malificent7 · 07/06/2021 05:30

I couldn't cope with the caste system bollocks snd would prob have to go low/ no contact. Sorry your mum is so unsupportive op.

sashh · 07/06/2021 05:50

I think you should have ASKED your mum, that's just being polite. To be honest if someone assumed I was going to do something instead of asking I would probably say no just to make the point.

You mention your brothers so your DD has at least 2 uncles and some cousins. Is it possible one of your brothers could come to your house and look after your little girl?

As it is a scheduled C-section even if they are working one could ask for a day off. Do your brothers have partners?

DeathStare · 07/06/2021 05:51

. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me

Your mum knows full well that you can't take a two year old into an operating theatre. She is using this to try to create obstacles in your family life with your DP and to try to stop him being there for the birth.

eattolive · 07/06/2021 07:09

Another who thinks that you should put some distance between your dm and both dds. It will be damaging for your younger dd to be treated so differently to her elder sister.

When I was a child my step gm told me that my older brother was her favourite and always brought him presents, but nothing for me. I was only 4 years old. It really upset me and left me thinking I had done something wrong, for her to treat me like this. The truth was that she was just a nasty, spiteful bitch, but I didn’t realise that at the time, I thought that there was something wrong with me. I have never forgotten how bad that made me feel, please don’t let that happen with your younger dd.

diddl · 07/06/2021 08:56

The cycle of prejudice needs to be broken & unfortunately keeping your family in your lives won't do that.

Will your oldest reject you, your partner & her half siblings as lesser than her at some point?

HandfulofDust · 07/06/2021 09:01

YADNBU. She can't handle her for one day while you have c-section? Aside from that I'd be very upset she's made no effort to build a relationship with DD when she obviously has with all her other DGC.

LittleOwl153 · 07/06/2021 09:52

You need to get your eldest out of the clutches of your mother. Stop the visits before she makes your eldest think she is better than the other two if she hasn't already. They are all your kids she should treat them all the same. The while caste crap is so damaging to kids.

QioiioiioQ · 07/06/2021 11:07

'Mediaeval' belief systems are not a good fit for modern life....no wonder you are finding this upsetting OP!

GoldBar · 07/06/2021 11:50

OP, this must be incredibly tough. Yes, grandparents shouldn't be expected to provide regular childcare, but not to care for your DD while you're having a C- section?!!! That's unbelievable.

I'd ask around. Do you know any of your neighbours with children? I've looked after my neighbours' kids (although slightly older) while their mother has gone for hospital appointments and I offered to be back-up childcare for a nursery friend of my DC when his mum was afraid that her parents wouldn't be able to come (they had symptoms and were waiting for Covid test results). I don't even know the mum very well but most people would do this for someone. I'd certainly offer for anyone I knew who needed it, regardless of whether their child was hard work or not.

QioiioiioQ · 07/06/2021 12:32

Remember that in this woman's mind the child is inherently inferior and she is doing the 'right' thing by treating her as less than other children
This may have 'worked' when she was young because everyone else accepted this but it is toxic to behave like this in a modern liberal democracy

RampantIvy · 07/06/2021 12:45

@Livelovebehappy

God, she sounds like a saint! She seems to do so much for everyone, I feel there must be a bit more of a back story as to why she doesn’t want to help in this situation. Sounds like she doesn’t get a break from all the kids.

There is a back story. Read the OP's updates. There is a massive drip feed.

Hesma · 07/06/2021 19:09

YABU your mum finds your needy, clingy daughter too much. You need to accept that and make alternative arrangements instead of presuming your Mum would help without asking her.

Aprilwasverywet · 07/06/2021 19:13

That clingy, needy dc is the op's dm's dgd!! Surely it is her 'duty' to make enough effort the poor dc is comfortable around her?!

RampantIvy · 07/06/2021 20:31

@Hesma

YABU your mum finds your needy, clingy daughter too much. You need to accept that and make alternative arrangements instead of presuming your Mum would help without asking her.

YABU @Hesma Read the OP's updates!

MaMelon · 07/06/2021 21:13

YABU your mum finds your needy, clingy daughter too much

What a dickish thing to write about a small child.

RaspberryCoulis · 07/06/2021 21:17

I think it all sounds like everyone living on top of each other, in and out of each other's houses all the time and living in each other's pockets.

Urgh.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 21:24

Op, I’m not going to add to this pile on, but will only say that her other grand daughter lives there, so it’s slightly different.

Only you know if this is about your daughters perceived caste or if this is about the fact it’s jist really hard work when they are all together.

Good luck 💐

Cocomarine · 07/06/2021 21:56

@Bluntness100 her other granddaughter doesn’t live there. You mean OP’s 10yo? She stays there every Friday night. She doesn’t live there.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/06/2021 22:17

[quote Cocomarine]@Bluntness100 her other granddaughter doesn’t live there. You mean OP’s 10yo? She stays there every Friday night. She doesn’t live there.[/quote]
Bluntness was referring to the three year old, who is also known to be a bit of a whiner, who is the daughter of OP’s brother who lives with the grandmother.

Cocomarine · 07/06/2021 22:20

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken thank you 👍🏻

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/06/2021 22:23

[quote Cocomarine]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken thank you 👍🏻[/quote]
I had the have a little scroll back. There’s a lot of people, children and background to try to remember

RunningFromInsanity · 07/06/2021 22:42

Do you actually know if it’s a caste thing? Or are we just assuming?

Looking after a 10year old and a clingy crying 2 year old is very very different, no matter the colour of their skin.

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