Aibu- mum refused to look after my DD

[whatwherewhenwhywho]

Namechanged

will try to give as much info so i'm not drip feeding.

I have 2 Dds. My Mum loves and gets on well with older dd (10) who is from my ex partner. Older dd stays at mums house every friday. Mum lives very close by to me and we are around quite abit (she calls me around if i miss a day ). My brothers and their children live there aswell. Younger Dd is nearly 2 and from current partner (and my partner my mum doesn't really like). Dd (2) has never stayed over at my mums. Ive never asked nor have they offered. DD (2) is very attached to me and wants me around her all time, if not me then her dad. Ive never really been a day without her since she has been born but i'm fine with that.
The other day I went down to mums with both DDs. It was raining so I dropped my Dd (2) to my mums and went to post a letter 2 streets away ( my mums is in middle). I didn't plan to drop her off but when walking past my mums my nephew (who lives there too) was outside and he said he'd take her in as it was raining. I got a call few mins later ringing me to come back asap as dd was crying for me. This annoyed me a bit as I was literally no more than 10 mins and I thought my mum should have tried a little harder to quieten her down instead of ringing me as I told nephew I'd be very quick.
Today I was at mums. Popped into the garden and DD started crying as she thought i'd gone. Mum started saying oh shes a nightmare such hard work etc. I am due DS in sept. I said to my mum I was hoping she would get better with this crying soon as I am wanting her to stay with her (mum) for when I am going to go in for my elective c section. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me (like thats an option). She went on one like I should tell hospital to make an exception (covid rules) and say I have no one to look after. I said thats fine and came home soon after. Didn't tell mum I was upset and kissed her goodbye etc like normal. Ive come home and i'm gutted, I cant stop crying. It's really got to me.

For the record my niece (3) who is my brothers daughter who also lives at my mums, is very attached to my mum. my mum adores her takes her everywhere.My niece is very spoilt and she literally cries at everything, hits my dd, never shares toys etc. so when they get together it IS hard work. But Basically what i'm trying to say is niece is also such hard work but my mum adores her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous for my younger DD.

So my aibu is / aibu to think that mum should have at least tried harder with my DD rather than just refusing. Am i being hormonal? I know mum has every right to say no but I do so much for her I never thought she'd say no.

Thanks if you got to the end x

And there's also the possibility your mother is tired.

Looking after that number of people is a significant amount of work.

Your brothers, their off-spring, your older daughter once a week, you visiting once a day

It's not OP's choice that she visits once a day. If her mother is that tired, she could stop insisting on it.

I can't imagine refusing to look after a grandchild if my daughter was having a C-section.

@Livelovebehappy

God, she sounds like a saint! She seems to do so much for everyone, I feel there must be a bit more of a back story as to why she doesn’t want to help in this situation. Sounds like she doesn’t get a break from all the kids.

And if you'd have bothered to actually read the thread you'd know exactly what the real situation is 🙄

@User57327259 it would take you less time to Google the caste system and see that it’s racist claptrap based on your family of birth, than it would do to write musings about it being based on your financial position.

Honestly, if my mum did this to me then I wouldn’t speak to her again. She is your own mother, after all. Even if she is burnt out from looking after the other kids, it’s unreasonable that she will let you give birth alone simply because she has your brothers kids to look after. He can bloody take the day off or something, your major operation should come first.

Don’t get me started on the fact she won’t have your 2 year old because she’s clingy, aka not your ‘caste’.

Im sorry if it has been said already but can You put DD in to childcare for 1 day a week?
This will help her ivercome her attachment to just you and Dp.
I did this with my Ds as he cried when I left a room, after a month at nursery, he was so much more confident.
This will help when you go for csect too, if DD can go into nursery?

I would also 100% take a step back from your Mum.

I think the biggest thing is the potential difference in treatment between your two DDs. The youngest won’t notice at the moment due to attachment to you.

There needs to be some clear work on the youngest DD’s attachment to you, which is where you can ask for DM’s support. This is a gradual piece of work and not a leave behind for the post box or the c section.

I do think a bit of space will help. Maybe it’s a case of working towards alternating the Friday sleepover between DDs?

A screaming clingy child is really hard work. Maybe DM thinks you’ve contributed to this and maybe she thinks the eldest is left out? There may be more from DM’s perspective. Can you talk to her? She clearly loves you all in wishing to see you regularly. Maybe she knows she sees your siblings’ children more.

The caste- hmmmm. DM asks you to pop around. She does not banish you and youngest. A ten year old, with a relationship establish over 8 more years, is easier to look after than a 2yo!

@Cocomarine I have now googled and it appears to me that it is nearer a class system than a racist system.

It seems quite rigid but OP would have known about that when she took up with DP. Being DP rather than DH might also be a problem for OP's family. It has been going on for thousands of years.
It seems that parents/family are expected to love their children's partners or husbands or wives but that does not always work out. Your children will always be your children but their partners are not your children.

I personally feel really sorry for the OP. It's very hard asking for help or advice when you're in a position that the OP is in, she asked for advice, and if people thought it was UR for her Mother to look after her DD whilst she went into Hospital for a CS, the ignorance of some of these replies is just astounding. Why bother to comment if you have no no intention of reading the thread. OP I knew from your OP what the situation was, just from the family set-up and your eldest DD staying with your Mum. You shouldn't have had to give information to explain further, especially as it had nothing to do with your OP. Unless people have lived the life you lead, they make little sense. You'll still have people commenting with out the faintest idea of your updates on page 15 if this thread gets that far.
I hope some of the more sensible advice from people has helped, it isn't nice what you're mum is doing, but you love her and she's your Mum I know. When you've been ostracized by your family, it's tough, and when you get access back in it feels like you should almost feel privileged to be back, you're Mum wanting to see you lays lighter on your heart. Sadly you can't help who you fall in love with, and castes don't come into it when the heart wants.
I really hope you manage to find care for your DD. If you want to drop me a message if only for support. It's not nice being upset with nobody to talk to. I wouldn't discuss any more of yours/ families business on these boards, it's nobody elses business, and to be honest you can do without the nastiness and the ignorance, especially when upset and pregnant. All the best xx

Poor you OP, honestly stay away. When she calls asking why you haven’t been round, simply reply ‘ because I can't stand to see
You treat DD different to all your other grandkids anymore, I need to go, bye’ if it’s too hard to say in words, text her and tell her DS1 will no longer be staying there once a week because soon DS2 is going to start noticing how differently she is treated to her sister. That as her daughter, you asked for help ONE DAY and now will be having surgery alone because of her actions. Let that be that, awful situation for you, good luck xx

Hi OP, before I read your comment revealing the caste issue, I had a feeling it could be something like this. Your mother doesn't want to look after your second daughter simply because she doesn't like your partner or the situation of you being with a second partner. It's nothing to do with entitlement, tiredness, your expectations of your family or anything like that. I am from a similar background and I know full well what can go on in our shared cultures. Your mother is punishing you by being extra loving to your first child and disliking the second. My niece is nearly 2, she is currently very clingy with her mum, but mum can't be there all the time so I try to help and manage to distract her, play with her etc for the short time that I am asked. Your mum frankly can't be bothered. I also used to babysit my nephew once a week for a year. So those who say it's entitlement etc, no, it's not. I got a lot of joy out of it - haven't you heard the phrase, 'it takes a village to raise a child'?

I'm sorry your family is unwilling to help you while you give birth, is there no other friend that can help? Blood isn't always thicker than water but is sometimes used to drown us. You are not being unreasonable. You are just going to have to withdraw from the family for your own sanity. And I also had a grandmother like that who so clearly favoured her other grandchildren. Not something you forget.

Aside from everything else, is your little one clingy due to the pandemic. I assume she has barely seen anyone for a year, so everyone will almost be a stranger again. IF you did want to resolve things with your mum would she not pop by yours so little one is not with the 3 yr old and in her own surroundings, may help? Otherwise I would be saying to your mum, I realise that you have a lot on and too many at yours so I won't be sending DD round on a Friday but if you want to come here for a coffee you are welcome

Sounds like your dm is a narcissist playing the whole family to her fiddle.

I used to have to go over my mums every day too for dinner, I desperately wanted independence but if ever I didn't go I would get a guilt trip and if I did go I would be made to feel like a burden.

She also loved my first dd and showered her with love but she couldn't give a crap about my dc2... she didn't like his name and made zero effort for him. She also hates his father

We fell out over something when I finally stood up to her and she went for half custody of my dc1 and actually said in court that she doesn't want to see dc2 because there's no bond there

Move away and reduce contact.

She won't accept your partner or any of your younger children and you run the risk of your oldest child picking up on the discrimination and copying it. You also can't trust that the discrimination won't be continued by your siblings, nieces and nephews and your mother is unlikely to stop it.

@itsnotnormalisit

Sounds like your dm is a narcissist playing the whole family to her fiddle.

I used to have to go over my mums every day too for dinner, I desperately wanted independence but if ever I didn't go I would get a guilt trip and if I did go I would be made to feel like a burden.

She also loved my first dd and showered her with love but she couldn't give a crap about my dc2... she didn't like his name and made zero effort for him. She also hates his father

We fell out over something when I finally stood up to her and she went for half custody of my dc1 and actually said in court that she doesn't want to see dc2 because there's no bond there

Oh and to add, I was then cast out by her and the whole family who are Also too afraid to upset her. I just thought I'd mention it because your description of your dm sounded so familiar to me.

It's hard but I don't think it's a great idea to raise dd1 and dd2 in that toxic environment and would personally be pulling right back and telling her why.

I'm so sorry, OP, I'm another one who thinks Coco is right.

It's so horrible and so sad that your mum will demand your time but reject your youngest child. She's not entitled to your time if she's going to treat your family like that.

@itsnotnormalisit

Sounds like your dm is a narcissist playing the whole family to her fiddle.

I used to have to go over my mums every day too for dinner, I desperately wanted independence but if ever I didn't go I would get a guilt trip and if I did go I would be made to feel like a burden.

She also loved my first dd and showered her with love but she couldn't give a crap about my dc2... she didn't like his name and made zero effort for him. She also hates his father

We fell out over something when I finally stood up to her and she went for half custody of my dc1 and actually said in court that she doesn't want to see dc2 because there's no bond there

I am so sorry that you went through this. At the same time feel relieved in a sense that you must understand how hard it is. And also that you've managed to get yourself away from the toxic environment. Thank you so much for understanding and sharing x

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have had a chat with partner and he agrees that doula is a good idea. Also we are looking into nursery options. Thanks for your lovely replies to everyone and good night x

@GertietheGherkin
Your response was so lovely, it made me cry. Thank you for your lovely words. I really appreciate it. x

This is a difficult one as I can see both perspectives. 2 years old is such a difficult age, and can be draining. I can see why you're jealous but it seems like your mom has a few children to look after already, I really hope she gives in and looks after her for u tho Xx

I absolutely do not understand how OP feels entitled to DM help with any of the children. These are YOUR DCs, you have to look after them yourself. Your DM is doing you massive favour looking after your DD1 every Friday, and now you want her to look after DD2. She has enough DGCs living with her as it is, it seems.
Although, your DM's refusal to look after your DD2 during your birthing of a 3rd grandchild is a bit heartless.

Your daughter is your responsibility, surely before having more kids you should get to grips with the ones you already got?

I know you've already come to a conclusion, but I just wanted to add that I'm another who doesn't think you're being unreasonable. It's a big deal, having a baby. Most parents would be more than willing to put themselves through a day of extra stress and trouble to make things even a tiny bit easier when their daughter is in hospital to have a child delivered. Of course it's not pleasant taking care of a clingy toddler, but you do things like that for your children.

I'm sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your mother, OP. It won't be easy, but if she continues treating your children differently based on their paternity, it's healthiest to step back from her. That's simply unacceptable and can cause lasting emotional damage, not to mention jealousy between siblings. None of you deserve to be treated that way.

Oh this hit a nerve for me! My mother claims not to be able to look after my twins even for a couple of hours because she is too old and they are too young, but can easily look after my nephew who is more than a year younger than them for a whole day every week.

She also whinges to my sisters that she doesn’t know my kids as well as theirs. Well why would she? She won’t look after them so only sees them if I am there, so sees them less.
Plus when we do see her she is so hard on them compared to my eldest and nieces and nephews. Unnecessarily so. So I don’t invite her to visit/visit her as much as a result…

She has previously looked after my eldest in summer holidays when twins in daycare. Now that the twins are at school I’m going to have to stop her doing that as they will notice (they already get upset that the eldest gets to go but they don’t). I don’t want them to notice they are second class citizens in her book.

It hurts. I don’t know what they did to deserve it other than being born a twin and to her least favourite child (but she likes my eldest?)

I feel awful for you. It certainly seems like your DP being from a different caste is why she’s taking it out on your youngest DD.

Honestly, I’d stop visiting and let her get upset. When she rings you you can explain to her that the last meeting made you felt like DD2 was unwanted by her, and until she can accept DD2 you won’t be going around as it’s unfair on her and your son to be.

She is being a bit of a bitch, here. I’d also ignore any posters saying you’re being unreasonable. Mumsnet is a weird parallel universe where some individuals think it’s “cool” to never expect anything from family members and love to have a big brag about it. You’re going in for a c section, not having a 3 day bender. Of course she should have your child so you can welcome DS into the world with your partner.

Although it is clearly upsetting if your mum doesn’t feel able to after your daughter surly it better she is honest to enable you to find someone else.it’s a lot different looking after a ten year old and a 2 year old.