Aibu- mum refused to look after my DD

[whatwherewhenwhywho]

Namechanged

will try to give as much info so i'm not drip feeding.

I have 2 Dds. My Mum loves and gets on well with older dd (10) who is from my ex partner. Older dd stays at mums house every friday. Mum lives very close by to me and we are around quite abit (she calls me around if i miss a day ). My brothers and their children live there aswell. Younger Dd is nearly 2 and from current partner (and my partner my mum doesn't really like). Dd (2) has never stayed over at my mums. Ive never asked nor have they offered. DD (2) is very attached to me and wants me around her all time, if not me then her dad. Ive never really been a day without her since she has been born but i'm fine with that.
The other day I went down to mums with both DDs. It was raining so I dropped my Dd (2) to my mums and went to post a letter 2 streets away ( my mums is in middle). I didn't plan to drop her off but when walking past my mums my nephew (who lives there too) was outside and he said he'd take her in as it was raining. I got a call few mins later ringing me to come back asap as dd was crying for me. This annoyed me a bit as I was literally no more than 10 mins and I thought my mum should have tried a little harder to quieten her down instead of ringing me as I told nephew I'd be very quick.
Today I was at mums. Popped into the garden and DD started crying as she thought i'd gone. Mum started saying oh shes a nightmare such hard work etc. I am due DS in sept. I said to my mum I was hoping she would get better with this crying soon as I am wanting her to stay with her (mum) for when I am going to go in for my elective c section. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me (like thats an option). She went on one like I should tell hospital to make an exception (covid rules) and say I have no one to look after. I said thats fine and came home soon after. Didn't tell mum I was upset and kissed her goodbye etc like normal. Ive come home and i'm gutted, I cant stop crying. It's really got to me.

For the record my niece (3) who is my brothers daughter who also lives at my mums, is very attached to my mum. my mum adores her takes her everywhere.My niece is very spoilt and she literally cries at everything, hits my dd, never shares toys etc. so when they get together it IS hard work. But Basically what i'm trying to say is niece is also such hard work but my mum adores her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous for my younger DD.

So my aibu is / aibu to think that mum should have at least tried harder with my DD rather than just refusing. Am i being hormonal? I know mum has every right to say no but I do so much for her I never thought she'd say no.

Thanks if you got to the end x

That's really fucking shit. I just had my friends suspected autistic, not yet speaking toddler for an entire weekend for her new baby's birth. He had never stayed with me before, it was very hard work, it made the weekend a bit crap for my own children; none of that mattered because I love my friend, who needed my support.

I would be hugely upset by this in your position. My family view my children from a distance rather than take an active role, other than my beloved grandad who looked after them once a week before and after school before he was ill, but even they (who, grandad excepted, have never looked after my children for longer than 20 minutes) would happily do this. It's shit and I completely understand your hurt.

Oh but regardless of the day to day issues, your mum is being really horrible to refuse to have DD2 for A day while you have b3.

I hope you have a friend who will have her. If I knew you I'd happily have her, even knowing she'll possibly whinge for you all day. She'll have to be a pretty determined whinge though as I'm a good distraction playmate!! (Especially when it's only one day! But maybe she'll like to come play other days afterwards!!).

My god daughter is due her second any day and I'm so disappointed not to be having her first - she's overseas I'm missing her DD staying over and I'll be missing out on baby cuddles too .

I don't understand your mum at all

I think your younger DD will soon notice that her older sister is the favourite, which seems rather unfair to her. You say you can talk to your mum about anything, why not talk to her about the disparity?

And there's also the possibility your mother is tired.

Looking after that number of people is a significant amount of work.

Your brothers, their off-spring, your older daughter once a week, you visiting once a day ...

I'd be knackered - and the prospect of even just one more child ... I'd sag at the thought.

Agree with previous poster who suggested asking one of these many chaps (father, brothers, your partner) to step in.

It doesn’t sound like you asked her politely to have your daughter (who you already know she doesn’t want to have generally) when you have your CS in September.
Sounds like you told her.
“I am wanting”?
Perhaps that’s clumsy wording here, or local dialect... but it sounds pretty rude and an expectation to me.
It’s not until September - today was really not the time to raise it, given the context.

As your (at least 2) brothers are getting their fill of childcare from your mum, how about one of them takes care of your child for the day?

(and how big is her house that she has two sons and their children still living their?!)

She also has your older child EVERY Friday night? She is more than doing enough for you.

I expect she's exhausted and was a bit surprised to be left with the 2yr old on the hop like that.

I think when you have small children you are used to the crazy they bring but when you're older it can be harder.

Can you ask your brother/another relative/friend?

The favouritism is out of order, but she is under no obligation to look after her single handed. I would ask one of your other family members, or your partner's, or a friend instead. Or failing that, pay someone.

I would be honest with your mum that going in to have a baby means you do need her to step up.

This is a bonkers viewpoint. The op has decided to have a third child - not her mother. It's not up to the mother to "step up". The op can ask politely and be suitably grateful for whatever help comes her way.

@Wolfiefan

You’ve said your daughter will only settle with you or her dad. So I can see why your mum doesn’t want to deal with an upset toddler for hours. I would feel the same.

Seriously? You'd refuse to look after your granddaughter while your daughter has a c section because your granddaughter is a bit clingy to your daughter. Really?

Agree the cat and coco!

So she has one child and not the other but copes with her other gc-sounds like shes punnishing your dd because she doesnt like dp its pathetic really what will happen with the new baby same thing?

@Annasgirl
And I’m amazed that anyone can’t rely on a fit and healthy parent to help in a situation like this. The birth of a new grandchild and a serious operation rolled into 1! We all have different relationships and expectations.
My own mother would be horrified that I’d even consider having to ask anyone else to have my children when needed.
OP given that you seem to have a close and positive relationship with your mother I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected (or at least hoped) that she would help out here.

I’m always amazed that people expect their parents to help them rear their children. My parents never did this. I never expected it

@Annasgirl sorry but gently, your family are the weird ones here. The fact that you would never have expected it speaks volumes. In the real world, the vast majority of grandparents, if capable, would watch a grandchild whilst their daughter had a c section*

@ChrissyPlummer

Hmmm...she is U on the face of it. However, I know someone who’s DGD just cried the whole time if she wasn’t being held by her DM. Even if DM was in touching/sight distance, she’d scream her head off. She was SO much hard work for anyone as she just wouldn’t settle, even for other family members.

...and?

The OP is going to have a c section, she can't take her, so an adult just needs to cope fir one day, with an upset toddler.

We're talking about an upset toddler, not a pride of pissed off lions.

Presumably you’re also expecting your mum to have your 10yo during this CS?

In your post, you just sound so expectant. If it were me, that would have annoyed me.

It’s one thing asking (ASKING!) a parent to take a difficult child, but a parent who already has your other child, and a house full of two other children’s offspring... just a bit much really.

Where’s your dad in this?
Your boyfriend’s parents?

Maybe, she’s fed up with being everyone’s go to babysitter. Which does my mean she doesn’t love to see you every day, and have some living there and another coming every week. You can love all that - but still be miffed if you feel it’s expected not appreciated, which is exactly how that CS situation comes across.

Thank you to everyone replying. I appreciate all answers on both sides of the argument. I can understand the ones who are saying that mum doesn't have to agree. I wouldn't ask if I didn't need her help. Also I didn't tactically tell her to mind my DD, I asked her. I just said how i would wish DD would lessen with the clinginess.

I really do want to visit my mums less. It's just that when I don't go, she rings me and gets quiet upset. Mum wants all of her children to be there at some point every day. She lives so close so I just think yo myself its fine ill pop over. I know I am wrong here, but we have been bought up like this and I never upset my mum. It is draining at times.

My siblings and my Mum don't get on with my partner. There is no back story apart from partner is a different caste to my family. It's all to do with culture and caste. I divorced my ex and my family took years to "accept" me into the family again. I didn't mention why my my family didn't get on with my partner as I didn't think it was relevant.

My partners parents are also not in the picture. He doesn't speak to them ever. My two best friends have both got newborns and it would be unfair of me to even ask them.
I have decided that I will go in alone for the section and partner will have DD. Its fine, i'm ok with this. So many single mums do this all time. Ill have a doula (if your allowed one for a section). Will discuss with partner when he's back tonight. I have also decided to take a step back from mums. It isn't fair on my young dd and i'm wring for not speaking up, the least I can do is just take a step back.

@Almostsummer21
Most people are willing to help their children especially in special circumstances. In my view your daughter needing a few hours childcare whilst she gives birth comes into that category. I don't really think that is entitled. Obviously, we have differing views about family. I would help an acquaintance in this scenario nevermind my own child.

I expect she's exhausted

In a nutshell, that.

You've evidently got other family so ask them. And maybe stop the 3 year old hitting your dd which isn't going to help her wanting to go there.

@whatwherewhenwhywho your friends babies won't be newborns come September. You could start now to try and get your daughter less clingy. I have 4 and couldn't cope with a clingy toddler, nevermind expecting my mum too.

Is there something you're not telling us about your partner? His family don't speak to him and yours don't like him?

Sounds as if you need to cut contact right back.

They are awful.

Dropping you & picking you up again at will & you do as you are told to keep the peace.

What an awful way to live.

Yikes! That puts a different spin on things!!!

The doula option sounds great.

As for your family's reason for dislike of your new partner - that is tough.

The difference in treatment between first child and other children is going to be an issue going forwards, isn't it? I'd suggest getting a bit tough about it now, while your second child is young and can't really see it.

But - most of all - you need to start putting yourself and your family first. This is all going to put so much strain on you, your nee relationship, your relationship with your children, your children's feelings about themselves ...

Totally take a step back!! Put yourself and your children first.

Your Mum has got enough on her plate. You should have asked first if you could drop your DD off. . I dont blame her for saying no to childminding.

I would take this as an indication that she does not have my back and I would never rely on her ever again I would also distance myself

I really do want to visit my mums less. It's just that when I don't go, she rings me and gets quiet upset. Mum wants all of her children to be there at some point every day

And you want her to he more accepting of your youngest child...but she won't budge, so why should you? If you don't want to go as much then don't go, especially of it makes you feel rubbish, I'd be heartbroken if someone treated my child that way and I wouldn't want to spend time with them either. In your mum rings upset tell her that you're upset about this situation and you need some space to cool off, and just take some time, the last thing you would want is resentment to build and there to be a huge fallout you can't come back from.

I know it's completely beside the point, but if it's elective could you start sending your daughter to nursery now so she can be looked after there for the day?

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@whatwherewhenwhywho your friends babies won't be newborns come September. You could start now to try and get your daughter less clingy. I have 4 and couldn't cope with a clingy toddler, nevermind expecting my mum too.

Is there something you're not telling us about your partner? His family don't speak to him and yours don't like him? [/quote]
I would do anything for her not to be clingy trust me.

There's nothing i'm hiding. Like i said my family didn't/don't like him as he is a different caste from what we are. Its culture/caste thats the reason. DP has not done anything to them, apart from being born into a family that wasn't the same caste as they are.

and?

The OP is going to have a c section, she can't take her, so an adult just needs to cope fir one day, with an upset toddler.

We're talking about an upset toddler, not a pride of pissed off lions.

I understand, but she didn’t want to, just as the OPs DM doesn’t want to. Their decision.